Just for a Laugh

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Huddie, Mar 8, 2013.

  1. Huddie

    Huddie MDL Novice

    Nov 8, 2012

    Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

    Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

    A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversarysubmitted this:

    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked myinterest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a littlesomething extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

    The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long termadverse effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat tosafety...??

    WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... Iloaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! Iwas disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressedit against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc ofelectricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

    AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot ison the face of her microwave.

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that itcouldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting littlesoul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed totry this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

    I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) andthen thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to givethis thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want someassurance that it would work as advertised.

    Am I wrong?

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glassesperched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazerin another.

    The directions said that:

    a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

    a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss ofbodily control; and

    a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the groundlike a fish out of water.

    Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

    All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAAbatteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

    I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side soas to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such atiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a onesecond burst just for heck of it.

    I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...


    I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in therecliner, and then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and overagain. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tearsin my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to befound, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, andtingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heardbefore, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously inan attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the livingroom.

    If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
    one note of caution:

    There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You willnot let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violentthrashing about on the floor!
    A three second burst would be considered conservative!

    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at thatpoint), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed thelandscape.

    My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
    · The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originallywas.
    · My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching..
    · My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lipweighed 88 lbs.
    · I had no control over the drooling.
    · Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, andmy sense of smell was gone.
    · I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
    I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward fortheir safe return!

    PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and nowregularly threatens me with it!

    If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

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  2. maddin_1990

    maddin_1990 MDL Novice

    Feb 5, 2014
    Oh my god this was nice :D:biggrin::biggrin::biggrin::biggrin::biggrin::biggrin:
  3. lomax512

    lomax512 MDL Novice

    Feb 11, 2014
    Very good.
  4. Diadda

    Diadda MDL Novice

    Mar 6, 2014
  5. clairelv

    clairelv MDL Novice

    Sep 8, 2015
    great one ....
    i love this ....