Staff Party! Bill woke up after the annual office Christmas party. He had a pounding headache, was cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. “Samantha" he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?" "Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete **** of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the Chairman of the company, right to his face." "He's an ars*******," Bill said, "I could pi*** on him." "You did," came the reply, “And he fired you." "Well, f*** him then" said Bill. "I did" said Samantha, "You're back at work on Monday. I'm not having you hanging around the house all day.”
An office manager is given the unpleasant news that he must let an employee go. So he has two people in mind. Jack and Jane. but he's not sure which one he should let go. He decides that the first one in late gets the axe. The next day, Jane gets in about 9:30, looking like an alley can. The manager goes up to her and says "I have to lay you or jack off..." Jane says: "Could you jack off then?...I've got a splitting headache."
Women's Revenge 'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. 'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked. 'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'
A few humorous thoughts Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water. If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive. I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you. A recent study has found that woman who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it. Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y? America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish? My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that. I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night. Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments. I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say: here, fill this out? I can't understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named, Sag Harbor. My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me. My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 175 pounds I've gained since then. The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I'm pretty sure she's going to get me something. The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient. I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos. Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch
A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain. Her golf pro-Graham saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, 'Why are you back in so early? What’s wrong?' 'I was stung by a bee', she said. 'Where?', he asked. 'Between the first and second hole', she replied. He nodded knowingly and said, 'Then your feet were too far apart.'
The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town church in Ireland . One day he was walking down the High Street and he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. 'Mrs Fitzgerald,' he said sternly. 'This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?' 'Sure,' she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The pub landlord looked over and said, 'Oi Mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub.' The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, 'But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps.' The landlord nodded and said, 'Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish.'
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain. While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?' The waiter replied, 'Si Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. It's a local delicacy!' The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.' The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry Senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.' The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.' The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.'
A small boy sitting on a wall, along comes a Man and asks for directions to the Post Office. the Lad describes where to go and the Man says, "I am the new Vicar, if You and your Mummy come to Church on Sunday, I will tell you how to get to heaven". The boy started laughing and told him He was taking the Mick. You don't even know where the Post Office is Mister.
Andrew the drover from a huge cattle station in the Australian outback appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing," the drover offered. "Once, on a trip to the back blocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales, I came across a gang of bikers who were threatening a young sheila. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed bikie and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off, or I'll kick the **** out of the lot of ya!" St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?" "A couple of minutes ago!!
Sheila was having a shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband Bruce. "Bruce! Bruce!" she yelled. Bruce came running in. "Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said. "Strewth!" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Bluey" (his mate). They came back and they both tried to pull her up. "No way. We can't do it" Bluey said "Lets try Plan B." "Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that"? "I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her." "Spot on" Bruce said. "While your doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits." "Play with her tits"? Bluey said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate"? "No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive!"
A State Trooper pulled an 87-year-old woman over for speeding.As he looked at her driver's license he was surprised to notice that attached to it was a conceal weapon permit.Taken aback, he couldn't help but ask, “Do you have a gun in your possession?”She replied in her crackly voice, “Indeed, I do. Why I have a 45 automatic in the glove box.”The trooper then asked if she had any other weapons.She replied, “I have a 9 mm Glock in the center console.”The shocked trooper asked, “Is that all the weapons you are transporting?The little old lady held up her purse and replied, "Well, I do keep a 38 special in my purse.” Finally, the astonished trooper asked, "What are you afraid of?”And the little old lady smiled and replied: "Not a Fu*king Thing."
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 30+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went......... My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long. The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night. Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,........... " What's for dinner, Zorro?"
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange postcard today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife handed the card over and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."
As Air Force One arrives at the Heathrow Airport , President Trump strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London , where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards the Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well. Suddenly, the right rear horse lets out the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire . The smell is so atrocious that both the passengers in the carriage, must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but, the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident. The Queen politely turns to President Trump: "Mr President, please, accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control." Trump, always trying to be "Presidential," responded: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."
I was on the last train home last night and the carriage was empty except for me and this sexy brunette sitting opposite. I'd had a few drinks and was feeling a bit confident so I gave her a wink and a smile. She winked back and gave a little giggle. Knowing that I was well in, I leant forwards and gently ran my finger up her leg. She gave me a look of shock, but didn't protest. I caressed her thigh and gave it a gentle squeeze. She furrowed her brow but still no complaint. With that my desire took over. I dived into the vacant seat next to her and grabbed one of her breasts and pulled it out. She squealed as I licked it all over and gave it a cheeky nibble. Then I slowly sat back down in my seat and we exchanged stares. After a minute of silence she looked at me, with a little tear in her eye and said, "You've ruined my fuking KFC