Jokes Jokes Jokes

Discussion in 'Forum Games' started by pedagogy, Jun 2, 2010.

  1. John Sutherland

    John Sutherland MDL Addicted

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  2. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    Two University students decide to make an engine that runs on vaseline.
    After a period of time they have accomplished this and decide to test it in a car to see how economical it is.
    They build the car and head out in the country and its going great about 100 miles to a small jar of vaseline.
    Eventually the car stops in the middle of no where around dinner time as they are out of vaseline.
    They both exit the car and are figuring what to do next when one of the students sees a house in the distance on a hill.
    What they don't know is that the people in the house have a rule that after dinner the first person who speak has to wash up.
    The two students arrive at the door and knock but there is no answer although they can hear the TV on.
    They decide to enter the house to check this out and find the entire family (Father, Mother, Daughter) sitting around the TV and not uttering a word.
    One of the students says "We've broken down up the road. Do you mind if we have something to drink !"

    No one says anything so the two students open the fridge and take out two beers and sit on the couch with the family.
    They then request another beer and as no one says anything they have a second beer each.
    One of the students feels a bit amorous and asks the father if he minds if he has sex with his daughter and still gets no reply.
    He has his way with the daughter and she doesn't utter a word.
    The other student thinks that this is ok and asks the father if he can have sex with the wife.
    Still nothing is said and he has his way with the wife and she also does not utter a word.
    They have another beer each and still no word from anyone.
    As they get up to leave one of the students says "By the way does anyone have any vaseline".

    The father jumps up and says "I'll do the washing up!!!".
     
  3. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    NUDE BEACH ....... !!!

    A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a family nude beach...

    As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger

    than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

    She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'

    The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother

    that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

    She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'

    Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play

    Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother:

    'Daddy is talking to the
    silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.
     
  4. zen45

    zen45 MDL Addicted

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    Eating Light Bulbs


    Little Johnny has to write a story about someone in his family that does something amazing. The next day, he returns and tells the class that his father eats light bulbs.

    "How do you know that?" asks his teacher.

    "I heard him say it. He and Mom were in the bedroom and he said: If you turn out the light, I'll eat that thing."
     
  5. John Sutherland

    John Sutherland MDL Addicted

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  6. Mavericks Choice

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    While golfing, a senior gentleman accidentally overturned his golf cart late one afternoon.

    A very attractive, young, female golfer, who lives in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you OK?"
    "I’m OK, thanks," he replied, as he pulled himself out of the twisted cart.
    She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I’ll help you get the cart up later."
    The old guy noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure.
    "That’s mighty nice of you," he answered, "but I don’t think my wife would like it."
    "Oh, come on now!" she insisted. She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive. He was weak.
    "Well, OK," he finally agreed.
    After a couple of Scotch and sodas, he thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I’d better go now."
    "Don’t be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "Stay for a while. Your wife won’t know anything By the way, where is she?"


    He replied, "Still under the cart, I suppose."
     
  7. Mavericks Choice

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    Mike and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years.

    Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they carefully watched their pennies.

    Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

    One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.


    They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

    Mike asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
    Mike looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
    'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled Mike..
    'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'


    Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch.
    'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Mike. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

    Mike looked around and nervously asked Yvonne 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?'

    'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'

    'No gym to work out at all?' said Mike

    'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

    'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'

    'Never again'



    Mike glared at Yvonne and said, 'You and your F**king Bran Flakes. We could have been here years ago!'
     
  8. John Sutherland

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  9. Mavericks Choice

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    Towards the end of a round of golf, Jim hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups.

    Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

    All of a sudden ... POOF!!

    In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

    She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life... better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!'

    Then POOF!... she was gone!

    After James recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?'

    Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.'

    Jim shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred!' FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!!!'
     
  10. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    An avid golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital.

    Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

    "Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"

    "Well, the good news is... I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I can go ahead with the transplant."

    "Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again." The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon."Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

    "Just great," says the golfer. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch, and my putting has really improved."

    "That's great," said the surgeon.

    "Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolours.”

    "That’s unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

    "Well, just two”, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking, and every time I get an erection I also get a headache.”
     
  11. Mavericks Choice

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    A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
    In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.
    'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
    Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '
    'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
    Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... '
    The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '
    By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
    Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded.'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
    Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
    Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'
    'Now wot da fock would you say?'
     
  12. zen45

    zen45 MDL Addicted

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    Sex at 82

    I just took a leaflet out of my letterbox informing me that I can have sex at 82!

    I'm so very happy because I live at 74...so it's not far to walk home afterwards
     
  13. jadinolf

    jadinolf MDL Member

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  14. Tiger-1

    Tiger-1 MDL Guru

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    @ MC haha realy as say jadinolf I also love it :D
     
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  15. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    1. How many men does it take to open a beer?
    A. None. It should be open when she brings it.
    2. Why is a Laundrette a bad place to pick up women?
    A. Any woman who can't afford a washing machine probably can't afford to keep you.
    3. Why do women have smaller feet than men?
    A. it's one of those evolutionary things that allows them to stand closer to the sink.
    4. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
    A. She starts her sentence with " A man once told me".
    5. How do you fix a womans watch?
    A. You don't. There's one on the cooker.
    6. Why do men fart more than women?
    A. Women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
    7. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
    A. The dog of course. The dog will shut up once you let it in.
    8. What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
    A. A women who won't do as she's told.
    9. I married a Miss right.
    A I just didn't realise her first name was 'Always'
    10. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a women's sex drive by 90%.
    A. It's called wedding cake.
    11. Why do men die before their wives?
    A. Because they want to.
    12. Why will women never be equal to men?
    A. Not until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer belly and think they're still sexy.
    In the beginning God created Earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created woman.
    Since then neither man nor God has rested.
     
  16. Mavericks Choice

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    Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.
    One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

    Titanic: Cost - $29.99
    Clinton : Cost - $29.99

    Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
    Clinton : Over 3 hours to read

    Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
    Clinton : The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

    Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
    Clinton : Bill is a bulls**t artist.

    Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
    Clinton : Ditto for Bill

    Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
    Clinton : Ditto for Monica.

    Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
    Clinton : Let's not go there.

    Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
    Clinton : Monica is forced to return her gifts.

    Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
    Clinton : Clinton doesn't remember anything..

    Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
    Clinton : Monica.. Ooh, let's not go there, either.

    Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
    Clinton : Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same
     
  17. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    Mr. Johnson's wife of 50 years suggested they take a cruise: "We could go somewhere for a week, and make wild love like we did when we were young."
    He thought it over and agreed.
    He went to the pharmacy and bought a bottle of seasick pills and a tube of lubricant.
    Upon returning home, his wife said "I've been thinking, there's no reason we can't go for a month."
    Mr. Johnson went back to the pharmacy and asked for 12 bottles of seasick pills and a tube of lubricant.
    When he returned his wife said, "Since the children are on their own, what's stopping us from cruising the world?"
    He went back and bought 200 bottles of seasick pills and more tubes of lubricant.
    The pharmacist finally had to ask: "You know, Mr. Johnson, I don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why the hell do you do it?"
     
  18. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    THE INTERVIEW WITH SEAN CONNERY

    Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that even though he was 72 he could still have fantastic sex 3 times a night, Cilla Black who was also a guest was intrigued by this.

    After the show, Cilla approached Sean and said " I 'ope I'm not bein too forward but I'd like to take you back to my 'ouse and have sex with yer, we could ave a Lorra fun"
    They went back to Cillas house and got comfortable. After a couple of stiff drinks they went upstairs and had an hour of mad passionate sex.
    Afterwards Sean said "if you think that was good let me shleep for half an hour and we'll have better shex. While I'm shleeping hold me balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand. Cilla looked perplexed but said "okay"
    He sleeps for half an hour, awakens and they have better sex than before.
    Sean says "that was brilliant Cilla, but if you let me shleep for an hour we can have even better Shex, you'll have to....."
    " I know Sean, you want me to hold onto yer bat and balls again, no problem Hun"
    Cilla complies with the routine
    They have mind blowing sex and after Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks "Sean, tell me dis oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in my other, does it really stimulate yer that much??"

    "Not at all Cilla, just the last time I had Shex with a scouser, the bitch stole ma wallet"
     
  19. zen45

    zen45 MDL Addicted

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    Kim and Don
    Kim Jong-Un announced at a news conference that North
    Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!
    A reporter said - "But the sun is too hot. How can your man
    land on the sun?"
    There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react.
    Kim Jong-Un quietly answered "We will land at night".
    The gathering and everyone in North Korea watching on television broke into thunderous applause.
    Back in Washington, Donald Trump and his entourage were
    watching the news conference.
    When Trump heard what Kim said, he sneered - "What an
    idiot. Everybody knows there’s no sun at night."

    His cabinet and everyone working in the White House broke into thunderous applause.