A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife suddenly looks across at him and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we have been married for over twenty years, but I want a divorce. The husband says nothing, he keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases his speed to 45mph. The wife speaks again. "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it." She says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he is a far better lover than you are." Again the husband stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55mph. She pushes her luck. "I want the house." She says insistently. Up to 60 mph. "I want the car, too." She continues. 65mph. "And," she says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!" The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes her nervous, so she asks him, "Isn't there anything you want?" The husband at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need, " he says. "Oh, really," she inquires, "so what have you got?" Just before they slam into the wall at 65mph, the husband turns to her and smiles. "The airbag!"
A sign in a shoe repair shop that read We will heel you We will save your sole We will even dye for you . Sign over a Gynecologist's office. Dr Jones at your cervix At an Optometrist's office If you don't see what you are looking for you have come to the right place On a plumbers truck We repair what your husband fixed. On another plumbers truck Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber At a tyre shop Invite us to your next blowout On an electricians truck. Let us remove your shorts On a maternity room door Push, push, push. At a car dealership The best way to get back on your feet miss a car payment. Outside a muffler shop No appointment necessary we here you coming. In a veterinarians waiting room Sit. Stay. At the electric company. We would be delighted if you pay your account on time However if you don't you will be de-lighted In a restaurant window Don't stand there and be hungry come inside and get fed up. In front of a funeral home. Drive carefully, we can wait. In a radiator shop Best place in town to take a leak. And the best one for last. Sign on the back of a septic tank truck. Caution - This truck is full of political promises.
Why would you repeal this? A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously. "Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?" The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture." Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman. As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?" Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan."
Scene of the crime So, while reporting a hit-and-run accident scene, the first policeman says to the second, OK: body on the road, hands on the road, legs on the road, head on the median. His partner writes, stops, thinks for a moment, then asks, How do you spell median? So the first policeman looks around, kicks the head and says, Head on the road.
A guy walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said, "shingles." So she took down his name, address, and medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, "shingles." So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room. A half-hour later, a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "shingles." She gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "shingles." The doctor said, "Where?" He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"
An ugly lady sat on her front porch reflecting on her dull unexciting life. There so depressed she was she wished for luck that will turn her weary dull life into something awesome. So Wanda (--Ms. Ugly) look into high heavens and closed her eyes..When she opened it a Fairy Godmother was standing in front of her. With a dress/gown which flowed so white and sparkling! Oh my dear dear Wanda, how ugly indeed you are but I come and will gift you three wishes. "Well," said Wanda, "I guess I'd like to be rich." POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned her house and all with it in grand fashion almost all were in gold! "And of course I'd like to be a very and beautiful woman." POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned her into an exquisite lady. Sexy, stunning and voluptous. "Your third wish?" asked the Fairy Godmother. "Could you possibly turn my wonderful dog into a macho handsome man. The kind everyone will want but he and I will remain lovers forever..not wanting anybody anymore!" POOF(and Fairy Godmother was no more): There, in front stood the most handsome young man anyone had ever seen. She stared at him in awe, completely smitten. Wanda exclaimed, "Oh my gosh, come here boy and make love to me now!" As he came toward her, her knees weakened. He bent down, brushing his lips across her ear he whispered, "I bet now you'll be sorry you had me neutered huh..." Make love to you huh!
The town elders were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings. A member suggested bringing in a hypnotist. Another suggested to hold a raffle each time they held meeting. Another suggested free food. In the end the elders agreed to the use of a hypnotist in addition to free food. So a couple of elders got in touch with one who agreed for a fee. The others took care of the free food. So it was all set now. A hypnotist was hired, the elders arranged for free food. They got out and spread the word. A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the town's people sat and ate merrily. The hypnotist started by throwing some funny jokes and even singing to the delight of the crowd. Then as the crowd was fascinated the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. The hypnotist began chanting... "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch. The crowd fell into silence...then suddenly the hypnotist accidentally dropped the watch! "s**t" said he said...(quite loudly). And then it happened.... It took three weeks to clean up the town hall.
being old Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?' Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' 'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?' 'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
Two old men were sitting on a park bench and lamenting (as everyone does. ) The first man says: "The worst thing is being constipated. I eat Prunes, Bran cereal and nothing works!" The other man says: "I'm good in that area. Every morning at 5:00AM, I go like gangbusters!" The first man says: "Lucky You!" The other man says: "Not so much...I wake up at 9:00".
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just got married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands, and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers. She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience. You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
Hybrid A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labor is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth. "I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies. "OK Do you have a boyfriend?", asks the Midwife. "No, no boyfriend either." "Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own." After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black". "Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porno movie. The leading man was black". "Oh," says the midwife, "it's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions, but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair". "Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy." "Oh," the midwife repeats, "it's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes". "Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice." At this, the midwife collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank God for that!" "What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked. "Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark!"