Jokes Jokes Jokes

Discussion in 'Forum Games' started by pedagogy, Jun 2, 2010.

  1. zen45

    zen45 MDL Addicted

    Feb 25, 2010
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    Word Meaning
    A Teacher asked her class of seven year olds if anyone could explain the meaning of the word contagious.

    Little Shannon put her hand in the air and says "When I was five I had chickenpox and had to stay at home because the doctor told my mother chickenpox was contagious."

    The teacher replied "Yes Shannon that is a very good example well done."

    Then young Seamus put his hand in the air and said "My next door neighbor was painting the outside of her house with a 2 inch paintbrush and my dad said that it will take the contagious!"
     
  2. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

    Aug 5, 2015
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    The seven dwarfs always left to go to work in the mine early each morning.
    As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores.
    As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry it to the mine.
    One day as she arrived at the mine with the lunch,
    she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in.
    Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived.
    'Hello...Hello !' she shouted. 'Can anyone hear me? Hello !'
    For a long while, there was no answer. Losing hope, Snow White again shouted, 'Hello! Is anyone down there?'
    Just as she was about to give up all hope, she heard a faint voice from deep within the mine,
    "VOTE FOR DONALD".
    Snow White fell to her knees and prayed,
    'Oh, thank you, God!
    ...At least Dopey is still alive ....
     
  3. BjourneMun

    BjourneMun MDL Member

    Apr 8, 2015
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  4. BjourneMun

    BjourneMun MDL Member

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  5. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

    Aug 5, 2015
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    I am confused
    I used to think that I was just a regular bloke.
    I was born white, which now, whether I like it or not, makes me a racist.
    My politics is right of centre, which makes me a racist..
    I am heterosexual, according to some gays and lesbians this now makes me homophobic.
    I am non-union which makes me a traitor to the working class, and an ally of big business.
    I am non religious , which now labels me as an islamophobe.
    I am older than forty, which means I have no right to vote according to most students.
    I think I reason, therefore I doubt much that the mainstream media tells me, which must make me a reactionary.
    I am proud of my heritage, and our inclusive British culture, which now makes me a xenophobe.
    I value my safety, and that of my family, and I appreciate the police and the legal system, which makes me a right-wing extremist.
    I believe in hard work, fair play, and fair compensation according to each individuals merits, which makes me an anti-socialist.
    I believe in the defence and protection of the homeland, for and by all citizens, which now makes me a militant.
    Please help me come to terms with the new me... because I'm just not sure who I am anymore.
    I would love to thank my family and friends, for sticking with me through these abrupt new found changes in my life, and my thinking.
    I just can't imagine or understand what's happened to me, and so quickly.
    Funny it's all seemed to have happened to me over the last seven or eight years.
    .
    .
    .
    As if all this wasn't enough to deal with, I'm now afraid to go into either toilet.
     
  6. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    There is a new virus going around with the name 'Work'.

    If you receive 'Work', from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail Or anywhere else, do not touch 'Work' under any Circumstances.

    This virus wipes out your private life completely!

    If you should happen to come in contact with this virus put on your jacket and take two good friends and go straight to the nearest pub.

    Order 3 drinks and after repeating 14 times, you will find that 'Work' has been completely deleted from your brain.

    Forward this virus warning immediately to at least 5 friends.

    Should you realise that you do not have 5 friends, this means that you are already infected by this virus and 'Work' already controls your whole life.
     
  7. jadinolf

    jadinolf MDL Member

    Jun 1, 2016
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    This sounds very serious. Hope ESET is working on it.;)
     
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  8. Michaela Joy

    Michaela Joy MDL Crazy Lady

    Jul 26, 2012
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  9. BjourneMun

    BjourneMun MDL Member

    Apr 8, 2015
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  10. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

    Aug 5, 2015
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    A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.
    After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.
    She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.
    Well, said the clerk, I have a very large bullfrog.
    They say it's been trained to give blow jobs!
    Blow jobs! the woman replied.
    It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month, he said.
    The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and well...what if it's true..
    No more blow jobs for her!
    She bought the frog and took it home.
    When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off!...
    The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.
    In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.
    She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cook books.
    What are you two doing at this hour? she asked.
    The husband replied, If I can teach this frog to cook... you're gone.
     
  11. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

    Aug 5, 2015
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    After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Cleveland to say hello to his friends.
    Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wassah de treepa?"
    Luigi said, "Everytinga wassah perfecto except for da traina ride down."
    "Whadda you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni."
    Well, we boarda da train at Granna Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she packa bigga basket a food. She broughta vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were looking a forward to da trip.
    Everytinga wassah okey dokey until we getta hungry and open uppa da luncha basket. The conductore comma by, wagga hissa finger at us an say, "no eat in dissa car. Musta use a dining car."
    "So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a bigga luncha and start to open a bottle of nice vino! Conductore walka by again, waga hissa finger and say, "No drinka in dissa car. Musta use a club a car."
    So, we go to club car. "While drinkin vino, I start to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he wagga hissa finger again and say, "No smokin in dissa car. Musta go to smokin car.
    We go to smokin car and I smoka my biga cigar."
    "Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go boomada boomada and the conductore, he walka through da hall shouting at da top of hissa voice, "Nofolka Virginia! Nofolka Virginia!" "Next time, Ima gonna takea da bus!"
     
  12. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
    He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
    After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
    In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
    She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."
    "Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
    "Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree."
    "But, where did you get the tools?"
    "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
    The guy is stunned.
    "Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.
    Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.
    While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."
    "Would you like a drink?" "No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
    "Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"
    Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
    No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
    "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.
    "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months.You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.
    He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
    !
    !
    !
    !
    !
    !
    !
    "You've built a Golf Course too?"
     
  13. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her obstetrician’s office. After the exam, she shyly said “My husband wants me to ask you…” The doctor interrupts “I know… I know…” placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, “I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.” “No, that’s not it…” the woman confessed. “He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.”
     
  14. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

    Aug 5, 2015
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    The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

    Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

    Thought for the day: There is more money being spent
    on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
     
  15. zen45

    zen45 MDL Addicted

    Feb 25, 2010
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    Little Johnny can't sleep

    Little Johnny walked into class every morning with a black eye. After a while his teacher got worried and asked him about it.
    John's answer was: "Our house is very small miss. Me, my mother and my father, we sleep on the same bed. Every night my father asks, 'John, are you sleeping?' When I say 'No,' he slaps my face and gives me a black eye."
    So the teacher says to him, "Tonight when your father asks again, keep dead quiet and don't answer."
    The following morning John comes to school and his eye is fine, so the teacher breathes a sigh of relief. But the day after that John comes back with a severe black eye again.
    "My goodness John, why the black eye again?"
    He tells her, "Mam, Dad asked me again, 'John are you sleeping?' and I shut up and kept dead still. Then my father and my mother started moving, you know, at the same time. Mom was breathing erratically, kicking her legs up frantically, and squealing like a demented hyena on the bed. After a while, my father asks my mother, 'Are you coming?' and my mom answers, 'Yes I'm coming. Are you coming too?' and my dad says, 'Yes.'
    They don't usually go anywhere without me so I said, 'Wait for me.' ... "
     
  16. Michaela Joy

    Michaela Joy MDL Crazy Lady

    Jul 26, 2012
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    The sunday school teacher asks her students a question,
    She says: "What part of your body goes to Heaven first?"

    Young Mary says: "Your hands. Because when you pray, your hands point towards Heaven."

    Little Johnny yells out "Nuh-uh! It's your feet!".

    The teacher says "What makes you think that?"

    Johnny says:
    Last night, I looked in Mom and Dads' bedroom and Mom was yelling "OH GOD I'M COMING!"

    And if My dad wasn't on top of her, holdin' her down, she'd have gone right to heaven.

    :D
     
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