Harmonica A newlywed sailor is informed by the navy that he�s going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the South Pacific for 2 years. A few weeks after he gets there he really starts to miss his new wife, so he writes her a letter. "My darling," he writes, "it looks like we're going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and we're constantly surrounded by young, attractive native girls. The temptation's terrible. I need some kind of hobby to keep my mind off them." His wife sends him back a harmonica with a note reading, "Why don't you learn to play this?" Eventually his tour of duty comes to an end and he rushes back to his wife. "Darling" he says, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate love!" But she stops him with a wave of her hand. "First, let's see how well you play that harmonica."
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.. (Hardly seems worth it.) If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!) The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out of the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!) A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (O.M.G.!!! Is that why they are always squealing?) A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy) (I'm still not over the pig.) Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Don't try this at home; maybe at work.) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home . What the...?) The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?) The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still can't believe that pig ....quality over quantity.) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.) The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm.......) Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?) Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing.) A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.) An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.) Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that, too.) Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)
Handsome First thing monday morning the english professor asks his class to start the day of with a nice easy warm up exercise. He asks "use the word handsome in a sentence"? The dumb blonde in the back raises her hand and replies "o o o I know, it's just like you told me this weekend if my mouth gets tired I should use my hand some"
Stress Management Technique STRESS MANAGEMENT TECHNIQUE Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does work. 1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream. 2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water. 3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air. 4. No one knows your secret place. 5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world. 6. The soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. 7. The water is so clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.
Peltry Syndrome Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend, "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that." The other student says, "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class." Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?" The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think." The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought... but you are wrong." The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought... but you are wrong." So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?" . . . . . . . The old man said, "I thought it was just gas... but I was wrong!"
Computer Nerds Not Allowed A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door that says, "COMPUTER NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He enters and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says that he smells kind of nerdy. He then asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender serves him a beer and says, "OK, truck drivers aren't nerds." As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that is at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender replied, "Don't worry. The computer nerds are in season because they are overpopulating Silicon Valley. You don't even need a license." So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers. The scavengers are comprised of engineers, accountants and programmers - computer geeks. Each of them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought computer nerds were in season." "Well, sure," says the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em!"
Elderly man stopped by police. An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, “I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, hookers, alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late.” The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?” The man replies, “My wife.”
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are in the desert when their land rover breaks down, so they have to get out. The Englishman takes a bottle of water with him, the Scotsman takes an umbrella and the Irishman takes the l/rover door. The welder says "I know why I've got the water. So we can have a drink when we're thirsty." He says to the Scotsman "I know why you've got the umbrella. To keep the sun off you." "But," he says to the Irishman "why have you got the l/rover door?" The Irishman replies, "If I get hot I can wind the window down."
An Engineer from vehicle manufacturing plant was recently made redundant and could not find a job quickly, so he opens a Clinic with a sign outside that says “Get Treatment For $50, If Not Cured Get Back $100”. A local Doctor sees this and thinks this is a good opportunity to show up the Engineer and earn a quick $100 at the same time. And so he visits the Clinic. Doctor: I have lost my sense of taste. Engineer: Nurse, please bring the medicine from box No 22 and place 3 drops into the patient's mouth. Doctor: Spits out the medicine and says "This is not medicine, it's petrol". Engineer: Congrats mate. You have your taste back. That will be $50 thanks. The Doctor is annoyed by this practice and returns after several days to recover his money and some pride. Doctor: I have lost my memory and can't remember a thing. Engineer: Nurse, please bring the medicine from box No 22 and place 3 drops into the patient’s mouth. Doctor: Hey wait a sec. That medicine is for the sense of taste. Engineer : Congrats mate. Your memory is back. That will be $50 thanks. The Doctor leaves even more peeved off and after several days angrily returns for one last try. Doctor: My eyesight has become weak. Engineer: Well I don't have any medicine for that. Take this $100. Doctor: Oi! This is a $10 note. Engineer: Congratulations mate. Your eyesight has gotten better. That will be $50 thanks.
A married man is looking for a cheap way to get a check up. He finds an ad in the newspaper that says "Check up...$20.00 Send us a urine specimen." So he sends one in, along with $20.00. Two weeks later, he gets a reply. It says: "You have Tennis Elbow." Feeling like he was scammed, he makes his wife, his daughter, and his dog pee in the jar. To top it off, he masturbates into the jar. So he sends it off with the $20.00 Three weeks later, he gets a reply. It says: "Your wife is cheating on you, your daughter has the clap, your dog has roundworm, and if you don't stop masturbating, you'll never get rid of your tennis elbow."
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian" Passenger: " Who?" Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He was a man who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Brian every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special." Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right." Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then." Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan." Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his bloody widow."
In 1986, a young man named Peter Davies from Chicago was on Holiday in Kenya after his college graduation. During a hike through the bush, he came upon a young bull elephant standing with his right front leg in the air. The elephant was in obvious distress , so Peter apporached the elephant carefully for a better look. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant's foot, and and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it....As carefully as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which, the relieved giant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant looked down upon Peter with what seemed to be a curious expression... It stared at him for several tense moments. Peter knelt before this young giant frozen, thinking only of being trampled to death....Eventually, the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away... Peter would never forget that encounter which would make a lasting impression on him for life.... Twenty years later, Peter was visiting the Chicago zoo with his young son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned toward them and began to approach Peter and his son. The large bull elephant looked down at Peter, lifted it's right front foot off the ground. The elephant did this repeatedly while trumpeting loudly and staring at the pair. Recalling his incredible encounter in 1986, Peter could not help but wonder if it was possible that this was the same young bull he had encountered so many years before.... Peter summoned up his courage, climbed the railing into the enclosure, and walked right up to the bull elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted loudly, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter's legs, and slammed him against the railing killing him instantly.....Probably wasn't the same F@#king elephant....! This is for all of those who send out those heart-warming B.S. stories on email.....
The bartender at a local bar was so sure that he was the strongest man around that he offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and then hand the lemon to the patron. Anyone who could squeeze two more drops would win the money. Many people tried over the years: weightlifters, miners, bikies, dock workers, etc, and nobody was able to do it. One day, this scrawny little fellow wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit came into the bar. He ordered a schooner of draft and started looking around the bar. After reading the sign about the lemon challenge, he said in a small voice: "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said. "Ok" He grabbed a lemon and squeezed the heck out of it. Then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow. And the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the guy his $1000, and then asked the little man: "Do you mind if I ask what do you do for a living? Are you a trucker, a weight-lifter, or what?" The little fellow quietly replied: "I work for Tax Office."
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the winners: 1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time. 2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an arsehole. 3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. 4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. 5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. 6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid 7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. 8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. 9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. 10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit) 11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. 12.Decafalon (n):The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. 13. Glibido: All talk and no action. 14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. 15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. 16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. 17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating. The WashingtonPost has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are: 1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs. 2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained. 3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. 4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk. 5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent. 6. Negligent, adj. Absent mindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown. 7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp. 8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash. 9.Flatulence,n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller. 10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline. 11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam. 12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists. 13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist. 14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms. 15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there. 16. Circumvent, n.An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
An outback grazier named Ted was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture in central Australia when suddenly a brand-spankers 2015 BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young whipper-snapper in a flash suit, expensive shoes, designer sunglasses and bright tie, leaned out the window and asked Ted the grazier, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" Ted the grazier looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie-turd, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?" The yuppie-turd parks his car, whips out his latest fashion computer, connects it to his smart-phone, and surfs to a web page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to a satellite in orbit that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then sends the digital photo to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany… Within seconds, he receives an email on his smart-phone that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a database and, after a few minutes, receives a response from somewhere in India. Finally, he turns to Ted the grazier and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Ted the grazier. He watches the young man select one from the herd and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Ted the grazier says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your profession is, will you give that one back to me and call it square?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" "You're a political advisor from Canberra", says Ted the grazier. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie-turd, “and how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answered Ted the grazier. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know **** about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.” “Now give me back my dog.”
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Queensland. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in Australia and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Queensland. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'" The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?" The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put in on my bumper. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and when he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus. Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this religious experience. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks! Love, Grandma.