Jokes Jokes Jokes

Discussion in 'Forum Games' started by pedagogy, Jun 2, 2010.

  1. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Expert

    Aug 5, 2015
    1,607
    5,920
    60
    A biker walks into a chemist shop and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he spoke to said she was the only pharmacist
    and that she and her sister owned the shop. There were no males employed in the shop. She asked if she could help.
    The biker said it was a matter he would be more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
    The woman assured him that she was completely professional and whatever he wished to discuss she would treat with the highest
    level of professionalism.
    The biker agreed and began by saying this is tough for me to discuss but I have a permanent erection and was wondering if you could
    give me something for it.
    The pharmacist said, just wait a minute, I'll talk to my sister. When she returns she said, we discussed your problem at length and the
    absolute best we can do is:
    1. 1/3 ownership of the shop.
    2. A company car.
    3. 5 home cooked meals a week and
    4. $4,000 a month living expenses.
     
  2. zen45

    zen45 MDL Addicted

    Feb 25, 2010
    740
    1,635
    30
    Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

    The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

    'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.

    'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hand at his groin.

    At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his trousers and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

    'Feels great,' he replied; 'but I still think my thumb's broken!'
     
  3. Michaela Joy

    Michaela Joy MDL Crazy Lady

    Jul 26, 2012
    4,082
    4,654
    150
    @zen45: Were they blonde? :D
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  4. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Expert

    Aug 5, 2015
    1,607
    5,920
    60
    A cop stops a Harley for travelling faster than the posted speed limit, so
    he asks the biker his name.

    'Fred,' he replies.


    'Fred what?' the officer asks.

    'Just Fred,' the man responds.

    The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a
    break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then
    presses him for the last name.

    The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The
    officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell
    me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

    The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred
    Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all
    the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got
    older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college,
    medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was
    Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I
    decided to go back to school.. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through
    school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored
    doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she
    gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA
    found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling,
    MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because
    of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.
    Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred.'

    The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
     
  5. zen45

    zen45 MDL Addicted

    Feb 25, 2010
    740
    1,635
    30
    Buffalo Hunt
    A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come". The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come"? and the Indian replies, "ear sticky".
     
  6. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Expert

    Aug 5, 2015
    1,607
    5,920
    60
    A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

    One woman lost it completely.

    She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,' she cried. Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

    For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then the cowboy from Texas stood up in the rear of the plane.

    He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.

    She gasped...

    Then, he spoke...

    'Iron this -- and then get me a beer.'
     
  7. zen45

    zen45 MDL Addicted

    Feb 25, 2010
    740
    1,635
    30
    Lab Report
    A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
    After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
    The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
    "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
    The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
    The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
    The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
    The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
    The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
    The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
     
  8. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Expert

    Aug 5, 2015
    1,607
    5,920
    60
    A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.'

    The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued and WON! Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous.. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.

    Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

    NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

    After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

    With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
     
  9. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Expert

    Aug 5, 2015
    1,607
    5,920
    60
    A businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back and had nothing left but a quarter, and the second half of his round-trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport, he could get himself home.

    So he went out to the front of the casino where a cab was waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home. He offered him his credit card numbers, his driver's licence number, his address, all to no avail. The cabbie said, “If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab”. So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

    One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his wealth, returned to Vegas, and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well, who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

    The businessman got in the first cab in the line and asked, “How much for a ride to the airport?” “Fifteen bucks”, came the reply. “And how much for you to give me oral sex on the way?” “What”, said the cabbie? “Get the hell out of my cab!”

    The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, “How much for a ride to the airport?” The cabbie replied, “Fifteen bucks”.

    The businessman said, “Okay”, and away they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and a thumbs-up to each driver.
     
  10. zen45

    zen45 MDL Addicted

    Feb 25, 2010
    740
    1,635
    30
    The Monkey
    There were these three farmers that wanted to win the state fair contest for having the largest hog. They decide that they should stick a cork in the pigs ass and feed him for a month before the fair. The only problem was that none of them wanted to be the one to stick the cork in. So they bought a monkey and trained him to stick corks in bottles. After a week or two of this, they stick the monkey in the pen with the pig and a cork, and after a minute, the monkey did what he was supposed to do. The farmers fed the pig for a month and sure enough, they won first prize. Once they got home, they realized they still had to take the cork out. So they trained this same monkey to take corks out of bottles. They stuck the monkey in the pen with the pig, and the farmers woke up three days later in the hospital with a reporter sitting next to them. The reporter asked the first farmer, "What is the last thing you remember?" "Shlt flying everywhere," the farmer replied. The reporter asked the second farmer the same question and got the same response. When she got to the third farmer and asked him what he could remember, he started crying. The reporter asked, "What's the matter?" The farmer replied, "The last thing I remember is the look on the poor monkey's face as he tried to stick the cork back in."
     
  11. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Expert

    Aug 5, 2015
    1,607
    5,920
    60
    Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

    "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said one engineer, "but we don't have a ladder."

    The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, and announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.

    One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

    Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving in the United States Congress.
     
  12. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Expert

    Aug 5, 2015
    1,607
    5,920
    60
    10 FACTS EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW:
    1. Everyone has rolls when they bend over.
    2. When someone tells you that you're beautiful, believe them. They aren't lying.
    3. Sometimes we all wake up with breath that could kill a goat.
    4. For every woman unhappy with her stretch marks is another woman who wishes she had them.
    5. You should DEFINITELY have more confidence. And if you saw yourself the way that others see you, you would.
    6. Don't look for a man to save you. Be able to save yourself.
    7. It's okay to not love every part of your body...but you should.
    8. We all have that one friend who seems to have it all together. That woman with the seemingly perfect life. Well, you might be that woman to someone else.
    9. You should be a priority. Not an option, a last resort, or a backup plan.
    10. You're a woman. And that alone makes you pretty damn remarkable.
     
  13. jadinolf

    jadinolf MDL Member

    Jun 1, 2016
    127
    279
    10
    The Night Light

    An 80 year old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "George, everything looks great.How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?" George replies, "God and I are tight.He knows I have poor eyesight, so He's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes off "Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. "Ethel," he says,"George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off". "Oh sweet Jesus"exclaims Ethel. "He's peein' in the refrigerator again!
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  14. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Expert

    Aug 5, 2015
    1,607
    5,920
    60
    Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
    Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, "You sign! You sign!"
    Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke. Push off", and shuts the door in his face.
    The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"
    Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Chinese man back, shouting, "Look, push off ! You've got the wrong bloke! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.
    The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinaman thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are two very large trucks full of car parts.
    This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him, "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"
    The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says, "You not Nissan MainDealer?"
     
  15. zen45

    zen45 MDL Addicted

    Feb 25, 2010
    740
    1,635
    30
    Subtle
    A guy met this girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?". Looking back unimpressed at the man she replies, "Okay, but it won't do you any good." A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?"
    "Okay, but it still won't do you any good." He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, "Okay, but it won't do you any good." They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife." She says, "Oh, that's different. Send her in."
     
  16. zen45

    zen45 MDL Addicted

    Feb 25, 2010
    740
    1,635
    30
    From Chicago
    An 85-year old husband and wife decide to take a road trip. She drives because she can see and he rides because he can hear.
    After traveling for a while, they get pulled over by a State Trooper. She rolls down her window and the cop says "I need to see your drivers license and vehicle registration please." The woman turns to her husband and shouts "WHAT DID HE SAY?" The husband replies, "HE WANTS YOUR LICENSE AND REGISTRATION!"
    The woman gives the documents to the officer and after studying her license the cop says, "Oh, you're from Chicago. I've been there. Actually, the worse piece of a$$ I ever had was in Chicago!" The woman turns to her husband and shouts "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
    And the husband replies, "HE SAYS HE KNOWS YOU!"
     
  17. Michaela Joy

    Michaela Joy MDL Crazy Lady

    Jul 26, 2012
    4,082
    4,654
    150
    An Octopus goes into a bar and says:

    "I can play any musical instrument going!"

    Someone gives him a guitar and he starts to play like Jimi Hendrix.

    The bartender motions to the piano, which he sits in front of and promptly starts playing, better than Elton John.

    A Scotsman tosses him a set of Bagpipes. The Octopus fumbles around for a couple of minutes.

    The Scotsman says "what's wrong...can ye' not play it?"

    The Octopus says:

    "Play it!?! I'm gonna' screw her brains out once I figure out how to get her pajamas off!"
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  18. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Expert

    Aug 5, 2015
    1,607
    5,920
    60
    A young monk arrives at the monastery and is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church, by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

    The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

    He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives, in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing. "We missed the 'R'! We missed the 'R'! We missed the bloody 'R'!"

    His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old Abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies,

    "The word was "CELEBRATE"!"
     
  19. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Expert

    Aug 5, 2015
    1,607
    5,920
    60
    Monday morning in school and teacher is asking her class what they got up to over the weekend.
    Little Johnny puts his hand up, "Miss, Miss , I went to look on a farm Miss and I saw loads of animals."
    Teacher replies, "Oh really Johnny, what animals did you see?"
    He answers, "There was chickens Miss, and sheeps, the farmer showed me his pigs and then he took me out to the field and showed me his f**kers Miss."
    Teacher aghast, "Really Johnny that's dreadful language and what on earth are you talking about?"
    Johnny retorts, "Well they looked like cows Miss and the farmer said they was effers but I knew what he meant!"
     
  20. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Expert

    Aug 5, 2015
    1,607
    5,920
    60
    A farmer was sitting on his porch one day when a young man drives in and comes to the door.
    "Sir, I was driving by and noticed you had a lot of milkweed in your pasture. Would you mind if I went out and got some milk?"
    "You don't get milk from milkweed!" the farmer replied.
    "Oh yes" said the young man "I have a degree in Agriculture from Texas A&M, I know all about it".
    "Well, help yourself" said the farmer.
    He soon saw the young man coming back to his car with two buckets full of milk.
    The next day the farmer was again sitting on his porch when the same young man drove up. "Sir, yesterday when I was getting milk, I noticed you had some honeysuckle vine on the fence row. I wondered if you would mind if I got some honey?"
    "You don't get honey from honeysuckle!" said the farmer.
    Again, the young man explained about his degree from A&M, so the farmer agreed to let him collect some honey. Soon the young man came back to his car with two buckets full of honey.
    The next day the same young man drove up to the farmer's house. "Sir, yesterday when I was getting the honey, I noticed you had some pussy willow trees down by the creek".
    The farmer said "Let me get my shoes and I'll go with you!