Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary. I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind. After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely. Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then." My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak. Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in. I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit. After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing. Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think. Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes. I think they were those Hovis Witnesses. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40. A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt . Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche... Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon. IT’S A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT’S A BOY" And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!!! Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka! In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead. Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan ! He is making land Mines that look like prayer mats! It’s doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!! Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut. A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?' Granny replies, f@@k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?! Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?' Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex. Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement. Dad says, 'So what were you watching?' Billy says, ' Wimbledon .' A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.' He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.' Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?' Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour! An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?' He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
Important fact of the day!........ Did you know that the human body can usually only bear up to 45 del (unit) of pain before fainting or suffering heart failure? But at the time of giving birth, a woman feels up to 57 del (unit) of pain. This is similar to 20 bones being fractured at the same time!! .........Very impressive ladies..... However.... Did you also know that a kick in the PLUMS is around 9000 del (unit) of pain, and is equivalent to giving birth to 160 kids, fracturing 3200 bones at the same time, and enduring 10 minutes of nipple twists from King Kong!........ So there you have it ladies...us blokes are harder than Tarzan's feet in comparison to you impressive, yet limited selves!!... You're welcome.
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you." Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'"
An Italian funeral A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file. The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral, is it?" "My wife's." ''What happened to her?" "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?" “My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also." It was a very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood. Silence passed between the two men. The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?" The Italian man replied, "Get in line."
During a commercial airline flight an experienced Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible. The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "that's a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!" Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her paediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears. The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum..
clerical error This poor bloke went to hospital for a circumcision but, because of a clerical error he ended up having a complete sex change. All the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news. Naturally, the poor bloke went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him. "Shlt!" he moaned. "this means I'll never be able to experience an erection ever again!" "Of course you will," one of the doctors soothed. It'll just have to be someone else's, that's all."
1. I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning! 2. The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 25, and her name's Kathy. 3. Went to our local bar with my wife last night. Locals started shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my wife is 24 and I'm 50 It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary. 4. My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether." 5. The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries. 6. A man calls 000 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" The man says "The sex is about the same, but The ironing is piling up!" 7. I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening." 8. My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to St Vinnies to get all of her clothes back. 9. The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. My wife said we'd love to, but I told them that our garden hose only reaches the driveway.
Redneck daddy is sitting watching TV when his 16 year old daughter comes in and says "Daddy...can I borrow the car?" He says "You know watchu gotta' do" So she gets down and starts performing acts of hooverism. She says "Daddy! Yur johnson tastes like poop!" He says "O dat's right...I loaned yur brother the car."
A husband takes a pair of his pants, throws them at his wife and says "Put these pants on." She says to him. "I can't wear these pants." And he says. "And THAT's the way it's going to be around here!". A week later, she walks up to him, throws a pair of her panties at him and says "Put these panties on." He says "I can't get into these panties!" And She says "And THAT's the way it's going to be until you apologize!"
Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last. On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!" Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too. And since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker." "Oh wow! I see," Ed replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet for a moment. Deep in serious thought, Ed added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
A suicide bomber died and went to Paradise, as foretold. On arrival, he said to Allah that he was ready to claim his 72 virgins, as promised. Out of curiosity, he asked Allah why there were so many virgins in heaven. Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because people like you killed them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. And since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous and, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty. And if you fail, I shall banish you from Paradise. The bomber responded, "I think I can handle that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied?" Allah replied, "Who told you they were women?"
A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it." "When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder. "Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards." "Is that when you swore?" "No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away." "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again. "Well, no. says the nun. You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!" "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun. "No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws" , it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball." "Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient. "No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole." The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the f**king putt, didn't you?"
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, ‘Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know to say one thing’. ‘What do they say?’ the priest asked. They say, ‘Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?’ ‘That’s obscene!’ the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment…… ‘You know,’ he said, ‘I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible… Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we’ll put them in the Cage with Francis and Simon. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying…. that phrase… in no time…’ ‘Thank you,’ the woman responded, ‘this may very well be the solution.’ The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s The house….. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying… Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them… After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?’ There was stunned silence… One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says, ‘Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!
On his 74th birthday, a man received a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation. The medicine man was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, all the time wondering what was to come. The old medicine man slowly and methodically produced a potion, which he handed to the 74 year-old. With a grip on his shoulder, the medicine man warned, " This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3'. When you do that, you will become manlier than you have ever been in your life and you will be able to perform as long as you want." The old man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" the medicine man responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." The old man was very eager to see if the potion worked, so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, " 1-2-3 !" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes… And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition – or one will end up with a dangling participle
Two female co-workers are having a conversation at work. Woman 1: Did you have good sex last night? Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in 4 minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in 2 minutes. How about you? Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home. He took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we took a walk for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. After foreplay we had an hour long session of fantastic sex and then we talked for an hour. It was like in a fairytale! At the same time, their husbands are talking at work. Husband 1: Did you have good sex last night? Husband 2: Yes, it was great! I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. What about you? Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner. They cut the electricity because I didn't pay the bill. So I had to take my wife out to dinner and it was so expensive that we didn't have money for a cab. So we had to walk home for an hour – and since there was no electricity when we got home, I had to light bloody candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't cum for another hour. I finally did and was so mad and aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and had to listen to my wife jabber away for another ####in' hour!