Jokes Jokes Jokes

Discussion in 'Forum Games' started by pedagogy, Jun 2, 2010.

  1. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

    Aug 5, 2015
    2,885
    12,377
    90
    Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex. "It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled.
    "That sounds wonderful," said Jed.
    "Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."
    "Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"
    "Baaaaa..."
     
  2. R29k

    R29k MDL GLaDOS

    Feb 13, 2011
    5,171
    4,811
    180
    :laie: those kiwi sheep bonkers
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  3. jadinolf

    jadinolf MDL Member

    Jun 1, 2016
    129
    282
    10
    Yeah, disgusting.;)
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  4. Michaela Joy

    Michaela Joy MDL Crazy Lady

    Jul 26, 2012
    4,071
    4,651
    150
    Mary had a little sheep...

    And with the sheep she used to sleep.

    The sheep turned out to be a ram...

    And Mary had a little lamb.

    :D
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  5. JFKI

    JFKI MDL Expert

    Oct 25, 2015
    1,098
    374
    60
    Was the little lamb's first word "Daa-a-a-ddy" ?
     
  6. zen45

    zen45 MDL Addicted

    Feb 25, 2010
    918
    2,393
    30
    I think Connie's Dead
    Mike and Dan had just finished the first nine holes in their round of golf, and it was obvious that Mike was having an awful day.

    "Gee Mike, you're just not your old self today. What's the matter?" asked Dan.

    Mike, looking pretty glum, said, "I think Connie's dead."

    "My God! That's terrible," said Dan, "but you said you only think your wife is dead. Aren't you sure?"

    "Well, I just don't know," responded Mike, "the sex is still the same, but the dishes are starting to pile up."
     
  7. John Sutherland

    John Sutherland MDL Addicted

    Oct 15, 2014
    867
    1,388
    30
    #2128 John Sutherland, Oct 3, 2017
    Last edited: Oct 3, 2017
    An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional. "But", said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."

    "Well", said the Englishman, "At my local pub, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

    "Ahhh, that's nothin", said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough to drink, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house." The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. He swears every word is true. "Well", said the Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you?"

    "Not myself personally, no." said the Irishman. "But it did happen to my sister."
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  8. John Sutherland

    John Sutherland MDL Addicted

    Oct 15, 2014
    867
    1,388
    30
    The Italian Virgins:

    Two Italian virgins marry and go on their honeymoon. Unfortunately, neither knows what to do when they get there. The newlyweds call the groom's mother for advice. The mother says that they should sit on the bed together, snuggle, and things should happen from there. The newlyweds do this, but nothing happens. The groom calls his mother back. She says they should take their clothes off, get under the covers, and nature should take its course. The bride and groom take his mother's advice, but still nothing comes to mind. He calls his mother a third time. Getting frustrated with the situation, she says, "Listen, just take the biggest thing you have and stick it in her hairiest spot!" The groom is quiet for a moment and then asks his mother, "I've got my nose in her armpit -- now what?"
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  9. jadinolf

    jadinolf MDL Member

    Jun 1, 2016
    129
    282
    10
    heh heh heh heh heh

    Perfecto!
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  10. John Sutherland

    John Sutherland MDL Addicted

    Oct 15, 2014
    867
    1,388
    30
    #2131 John Sutherland, Oct 3, 2017
    Last edited: Oct 4, 2017
    Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary 's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh me, boys, someone's got to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?" They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

    "Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me." Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500 at a poker game, and he's afraid to come home." "Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife. "Right. I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  11. John Sutherland

    John Sutherland MDL Addicted

    Oct 15, 2014
    867
    1,388
    30
    Q: What do blondes and dog poop have in common?

    A: The older they get, the easier it is to pick them up. :biggrin:
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  12. jadinolf

    jadinolf MDL Member

    Jun 1, 2016
    129
    282
    10
    Chinese Wedding Night



    A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
    On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.


    He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.


    'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting –juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.


    A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.


    She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.' More thoughtful silence from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her....


    'You want....... garlic chicken wif snow peas?
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  13. zen45

    zen45 MDL Addicted

    Feb 25, 2010
    918
    2,393
    30
    A Seat in Church
    A Seat In Church
    A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and chatting among friends. Suddenly, in a flash of light, Satan appeared in front of the congregation!
    Everyone started screaming and running for the exits, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly cowboy who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
    So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
    The old cowboy replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
    'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
    'Nope, sure ain't.' said the cowboy.
    'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
    'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.
    'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.
    'Yep,' was the calm reply.
    'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.
    'Nope,' said the old cowboy.
    More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'
    The old cowboy calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'
     
  14. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

    Aug 5, 2015
    2,885
    12,377
    90
    A big city doctor visits an Indian tribe full of men, he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?" "Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey. Then a man in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc?" "We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."
     
  15. Michaela Joy

    Michaela Joy MDL Crazy Lady

    Jul 26, 2012
    4,071
    4,651
    150
    An Italian family comes to America. The mother, her older daughter Angelina, and her son Tony.

    One day, Tony comes home from school. His mother says: "Hiya Tony. How wuzza you day at school? And whata you learn today?"

    Tony says: "It was great Mom, they taught us about sex in school."

    The mother says: "Shame on you! Git uppastairz an go to you room!"

    Tony goes upstairs.

    Angelina comes in the house and says: "Hi Mom! Where's Tony?"

    She says: "I sent him uppastairz to his room."

    Angelina says: "What did He do!?"

    Mom says: "Heza talka dirty to his mother. He sez he learned about sex ina school."

    Angelina says: "No mom. They really do teach sex education!"

    Mom says "mannaggia! I better go upastairz an tell him it's alright".

    She gets upstairs, peeks in the room, and sees Tony whacking his carrot.

    She quietly goes downstairs.

    Angelina asks her: "Did you tell him it's alright?"

    Mom says: "It's okay. He'sa doin his Homework"
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  16. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

    Aug 5, 2015
    2,885
    12,377
    90
    "If you win the lottery, the first thing I want you to get me is a face lift and a boob job," said my 43year old wife as I was checking my ticket.

    "Well, actually, the first thing I would buy is a reconditioned engine and a respray for my Mondeo," I replied."Why would you waste your money tarting that old thing up, you might as well get yourself a new one," she said.............."My point exactly."
     
  17. John Sutherland

    John Sutherland MDL Addicted

    Oct 15, 2014
    867
    1,388
    30
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  18. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

    Aug 5, 2015
    2,885
    12,377
    90