Jokes Jokes Jokes

Discussion in 'Forum Games' started by pedagogy, Jun 2, 2010.

  1. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

    Aug 5, 2015
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  2. zen45

    zen45 MDL Addicted

    Feb 25, 2010
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    How We Get Babies
    A schoolgirl approaches her mother and announces, "Mommy, I know where babies come from!"

    "And where is that?" her mother asks.

    "Well, Mommy and Daddy take their clothes off and Daddy's thingy sort of sticks out and Mommy puts it in her mouth and that's how you get babies," she explains.

    "Oh darling, that's so sweet, but that's not how we get babies," her mother replies, "That's how we get flowers, jewelry, clothes and shoes!"
     
  3. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    I bought my mother-in-law some crotchless panties.

    Yeah, seriously!

    At least she doesn't fall off her broomstick any more.
     
  4. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    At one Catholic Church in Nebraska, they have monthly marriage seminars for husbands. At the last session, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years. Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands. "Well, I've tried to treat her nice, spend d money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for our 5th anniversary!" The priest responded. "Giuseppe, you are an inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?" Giuseppe proudly replied. "I gonna go pick her up "
     
  5. Tosko

    Tosko MDL Novice

    Dec 7, 2016
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    What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
    - Aye, matey

    Why dont you ever shower with a pokémon?
    - he might Pikachu

    I asked a Frenchman if he played video games.
    - he said Wii.

    Which cheese isn’t yours?
    - Nacho cheese

    A horse walks into a bar, the bartender then asks: why the long face?

    A blind man walks into a bar..... a chair.... a table.....
     
  6. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    Three guys are talking in a bar. Two guys discuss how they are the king in their castles and how much their wife's respect them.
    The third guy remains quiet.

    Finally one guy turns to the quite guy and asks “what about you, Do you rule your roost?”

    The quite guys says “ Well, just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees”

    “what happened then?” they asked..

    “She said, ‘Get out from under the bed and fight like a man’
     
  7. Tosko

    Tosko MDL Novice

    Dec 7, 2016
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    Why did the birdie go to the hospital?
    - Because he needed a tweetment

    Did you hear about the mexican train killer?
    - he was a loco-motive

    What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck?
    - Milk and quackers

    How do crazy women get through the forest?
    - They take the psycho-path

    What did Jay Z call his girlfriend before they got married?
    - Fiancé

    What does a robot frog say?
    - "Rib-bot"

    I started a band called "999 megabytes"
    - But we ain't get non Gigs yet

    What do you call a funny mountain?
    - Hill-larious
     
  8. Tosko

    Tosko MDL Novice

    Dec 7, 2016
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    I wrote a song about a tortillia
    - actually.. it's a wrap

    What did ja rule say when he called the homicide detective?
    - "It's murda"

    What did ja rule drink after boiling a kettle of hot water?
    - ashan-tea

    Have you ever heard of a bald rapper with freckles?
    - because it's common

    What did the grape say to the blue berry?
    - "You better breathe before you die"

    Did you hear about the guy named he, who fell down a flight of stairs?
    - he be trippen

    Did you hear about the guy who's left side got chopped off?
    - He's all-right now

    Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
    - Because the P is silent

    Did you hear about the hungry clock?
    - It went back four seconds

    Why did the banana go to the doctor?
    - Because it wasn't peeling well

    What has 4 wheels and flies?
    - A garbage truck

    What did Michael Jackson called his denim store?
    - Billie jeans

    How do billboards talk?
    - Sign language

    What do you call a ghost poop?
    - Boo boo

    Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?
    - He got stuck in a crack

    What's the worst thing that can happen to a NBA basketball player?
    - Two Sprainz

    What did the rasta say to the pirate?
    - Everything arrrie

    How do you call a girl's name who works at this office?
    - Aye dee dee

    I hurt my foot driving the other day. You know who I called?
    - The toe company

    When does a sandwich cook?
    - When it is bakin' lettuce and tomato

    What do mexican clocks say?
    - Tick-Taco

    What does Kim Kardashian use to fix holes?
    - Sex tapes

    What did 50 cent say to his grandma, after she gave him a sweater?
    - G-U-Knit?

    What's Michael Jackson's favorite painting?
    - Sha-mona lisa

    Who is bruce lee's favorite rapper?
    - Waka Flocka

    What do you call a homosexual reptile?
    - A gaaaatooorrrrrrr

    My dentist is a mean guy...
    - He always hurts my fillings..

    What type of food is good for your feet?
    - Shoe-Shi
     
  9. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

    Aug 5, 2015
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    Let me tell you friends, that one simple spelling mistake--even a typo--can make your life hell. I recently penned a short, romantic note to my wife while I was away on a fishing trip, and I missed one small "e". No problem you might say. Not so. This tiny error has caused me to seek Police protection to enter my own house.

    I wrote, "Hi darling, I'm enjoying and experiencing the best time of my whole life, and I wish you were her!"
     
  10. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

    Aug 5, 2015
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    My grandmother has always been such an inspiration to me.
    She has crippling arthritis making it impossible to turn her neck, she is too weak to lift a mug of tea from a table, has cataracts in both eyes preventing her from seeing her hand in front of her face, suffers from incontinence and is prescribed treatment which induces nausea and dizziness.
    Through all that she turns to me this morning and said 'Always look on the bright side son .... At least I can still drive.'
     
  11. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    Got home from work, was stinking hot and shouted through to the kitchen, "I'm going to grab a shower babe. Join me if you like!"....Three things I've learned from this.
    1. Remember when you've booked a plumber.
    2. Remember the days your wife works late.
    3. Not all plumbers are straight.
     
  12. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    A Mouse and a Lion go into a Bar to have a drink. There’s a Giraffe sitting at the next table. And the Mouse says “Oh my God, I’m in love. That’s the most beautiful creature I’ve ever seen. Look at her Eyelashes”. The Lion says “Well, why don’t you just go right over and buy her a drink?”
    The Mouse says “Oh no. I can’t do that”. Eventually, after another drink the Mouse goes over and buys the Giraffe a drink and, after a while, they disappear. The next night, the Lion is in the Bar drinking, and the Mouse comes in looking terrible. The Lion says “What’s the matter? What happened”?
    The Mouse says “Are you kidding? Between f**king and kissing I think I must have run three thousand miles”.
     
  13. jadinolf

    jadinolf MDL Member

    Jun 1, 2016
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    The Girl Across the Street

    She’s single… She lives right across the street. I can see her place
    from my kitchen window. I watched as she got home from work this evening. I
    was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked
    on the door.

    I opened the door, she looked at me and said, “I just got home, and I have
    this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and get laid
    tonight. Are you doing anything?”

    I quickly replied, “Nope, I’m free!”
    “Great,” she said. “Can you watch my dog?”

    Being a senior citizen really sucks!
     
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  14. jadinolf

    jadinolf MDL Member

    Jun 1, 2016
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    On the first day, God created the dog and said, “sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I will give you a life span of twenty years.”
    The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?”

    And God said that it was good.

    On the second day, God created the monkey and said, “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”
    The monkey said, “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform.
    How about I give you back ten like the dog did?”

    And God again said that it was good

    On the third day, God created the cow and said, “You must go into the field with the farmer
    all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”
    The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?”

    And God agreed it was good.

    On the fourth day, God created humans and said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”
    But the human said, “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”

    “Okay,” said God, “You asked for it”

    So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
    For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
    For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
    And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

    Life has now been explained to you.

    There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I’m doing it as a public service.
    If you are looking for me, I will be on the front porch.
     
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  15. Michaela Joy

    Michaela Joy MDL Crazy Lady

    Jul 26, 2012
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    A teenage girl with a speech impediment finds a guy willing to take her to the fair.

    So, they arrive and he asks her
    "What would you like to do?"

    She says "I want to get weighed."

    So he takes her to the scales and weighs her.

    So he says "What do you want to do now?"
    She says again. "I want to get weighed."

    This goes on for a bit. Figuring she has a screw loose, he takes her home.

    Her mother says "How was your date dear?"

    She says "Wousy!"
     
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  16. jadinolf

    jadinolf MDL Member

    Jun 1, 2016
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    He tweeted her wheely wousy!
     
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