Rodney wakes up in the morning. He has a massive hangover and can't remember anything he did last night. He picks up his bath robe from the floor and puts it on. He notices there's something in one of the pockets and it turns out to be a bra. He thinks "f**king hell what happened last night??". He walks towards the bathroom and finds a soiled pair of panties in the other pocket of his robe. Again he thinks "what happened last night, what have I done? Must have been a wild party". He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the mirror. He notices a little string hanging out of his mouth and his only thought is "Please, if there's a God, please let this be a teabag."
In one Intensive care unit people always died on the same bed at 11 am on a Sunday morning, regardless of their condition. This puzzled medical staff, so a group of doctors decided to observe the bed in secret and waited for the fateful hour. Some held crosses and prayer books to ward off evil influences, while the less superstitious had video cameras to catch the whole thing on tape. At the 11th hour, the door to the ward slowly opened, then a cleaner came in, disconnected the life support machine and plugged in a vacuum cleaner.
A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?" She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?" He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye. Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?" The farmer said, "Yes," and a tear came from the other eye. Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?" He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying. She asked, "Why on earth are you crying?" Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soybeans, a tornado leveled my barn, I voted for Trump and now I think I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches...
A Muslim a Christian and a Jew are all asked what's the best thing they've read. "That's an easy question to answer," said the Muslim, "The best thing I've read is the Qur'an. What about you?" He asks the Christian. "That's easy for me too," replied the Christian, "The best thing I've ever read is The Bible. What about you?" He asked Jew. "That's an easy one for me too," he replied, "The best thing I've ever read is, 'buy one get one free.
A father goes to the toy shop to buy a barbie doll for his daughter... he gazed upon a few of the barbie sets and the asked the assistant for some help... he then asked the assistant why does the first barbie cost $24.00 the second barbie cost $56.00 and the last barbie cost $150.00... well said the assistant the first barbie is single barbie she is low maintenance and lives happy and free, the second barbie is married barbie is a bit extra because of the higher maintenance ken has to provide and the third barbie is divorced barbie... the man replies.. Divorced barbie... Yes said the assistant you know divorced barbie comes with kens house, kens car, kens boat..
I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM WOOLWORTHS Yesterday I was at my local Woolworths store buying a large bag of My Dog dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Woolworths. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.
A warning to all Be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many sambuca and then went on to stella. Not a good idea! Knowing I was over the limit I decided to leave my bike in town and took a bus home, I passed a police checkpoint where they were pulling over drivers and doing breath tests, Because I was in a bus they just waved me past. I arrived home safely and no accident, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from!!!!! DONT DRINK AND DRIVE
One evening an avid bird watcher stood in his backyard and heard an owl hoot. So he thought he'd give a hoot back. To his surprise and delight the bird hooted again. The next night the same scenario occurred. All Summer, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversations." Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in inter species communication, his wife, had a chat with her next door neighbor."My husband spends his nights calling to owls," the wife commented."That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband." Then it dawned on them...
@Mavericks Choice: That story sounds like something that actually happened... And that's what makes it hilarious.
My wife was sitting on the sofa last night reading a book called, "100 ways to please your man." I said, "Don't bother reading any of that nonsense, you only need to do two things for me and I'll be the happiest bloke ever. She smiled and said, "Aww, what's that then?" I said, "Pack your bags and f**k off."
Pregnant on a Bus A heavily pregnant lady got on a bus one day. She was sitting down when she noticed the man sat across from her was oddly smiling her way. Feeling a little freaked out, she moved to another seat. This time the man’s smile turned in to a full blown grin. So she moved seats again, trying to get away from his creepy presence. Somehow, he seemed even more amused. When she moved for the fourth time, the man burst out with uncontrollable laughter. Afraid and infuriated, the pregnant woman complained to the driver and they had the man arrested. The day of court finally arrived. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself. He replied: “Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, ‘The Double Mint Twins are coming’ and I grinned because I found it funny. Then when she moved and sat under a sign that said, ‘Logan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling,’ and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, ‘William’s Big Stick Did the Trick,’ and I could hardly contain myself. It was too much! But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, ‘Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!’ … I just lost it.” “CASE DISMISSED!!”
Church Organist Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a magnificent cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."
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