A guy starts talking to two women in a bar, they turn out to be Siamese twins, and they wind up back at his apartment. He'd just shagged one, and then starts to work on the other. He realizes that the first one might get bored watching, so he her asks what she’d like to do. She says, “Is that a trombone in the corner? I’d love to play your trombone.” So she plays it while he shags her sister. A few weeks later, the girls are walking past the guy’s apartment building. One of the girls says, “Let’s stop up and see that guy.” The other girl says, “Gee…do you think he’d remember us?”
The Difference Between 'Potentially' and 'Realistically' A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?" The father thought for a moment, then answered: "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that." So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!" The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?" The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?" The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'? The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially' you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but 'realistically' we're living with two hookers and a future congressman."
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back – eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?” “Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.” “Slower than the speed limit?” she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-Two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. “But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car ok?These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.” the officer asks. “Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”
There's an organisation for women called the Everyday Sexism Project. I thought it sounded like a good idea, so I donated my services ;..I offered to park all their cars whilst they went into the kitchen and made me a sandwich.
A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?" He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?" Again he declines. "No, thanks. It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. "Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take a couple of minutes...?" Once more, he declines. "Again, thanks, but it's this Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite." "Well, then", she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm f**king STARVING!"
Alabama vasectomy After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife did not want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (big firework), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." So the couple drove across the state border into Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. The doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and coun t to 10. Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count '1, 2, 3, 4, 5...' at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
The Angel on the tree When four of Santa's elves got sick and the trainee elves didn't produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule… Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then, when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then, the doorbell rang and an irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa! Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?" And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree…
I gave my grandad some money because he said he badly needed some surgery doing. I walked into his house today and caught him shagging a young blonde woman on the sofa. "Bloody hell, grandad!" I said, "You promised me that you'd spend that money on the surgery that you desperately needed...." "I did," he replied, "doesn't your nan look great!?"
Merry Christmas!! When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves could not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. He went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were ill and two others had jumped the fence and were out to Heaven knows where. When he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground, and all the toys were scattered. Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a glass of cider and a shot of rum. He went to the cupboard and discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the rum. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of it. Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?' And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
A midget with a speech impediment goes to a farmyard to buy a horse, he goes up to the farmer and says 'thcuthe me mithter, i would like to buy a horth', the rarmer says 'certainly, what type' 'a female horth' says the midget. The farmer brings out mare and the midget looks it all over and says 'i'd like to look at itth eyeth', so the farmer pick him up and show him the eyes, then the midget says 'i need to check ith nothe', so the farmer picks him up and hold him near the nose, then the midget says 'i want to see ith earrth' so the farmer picks him up and shows him its ears. Seemingly satisfied the midget says 'I'd like to thee her twot', the farmer picks him up and shoves his face right in the horse snatch for a few seconds, then puts him down. Spitting and coughing and wiping his face the midget says 'let me wephwathe that, i'd like to thee her wun awound'....
Once there were twin brothers by the name of Jones. John Jones was married, and Joe Jones was single. The single brother Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated row boat. It happened that John Jone's wife died the same day that Joe's rowboat filled with water and sank. A few days later, a kindly old lady met Joe and mistaken him for John said; "Oh Mr. Jones, I am sorry to hear of your great loss, you must feel terrible". Joe smiled and said, "Well I am not a bit sorry, she was rather old from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up and she smelled of dead fish. Even the first time I got into her, she made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a bad crack and a pretty big hole in her front, and that hole got bigger every time I used her. It got so I could barely handle her, but if anyone else used her she leaked like anything. The thing that finished her was four guys from the other side of town. They came down looking for a good time and asked if I could lend her to them. I warned them she wasn't so hot, but they could take a crack at her if they liked. Well, the result was the crazy fools tried to get inside her all at once and it was too much for her. She cracked right up the middle". Before he could finish the old lady fainted!
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of the holy season", Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It's a candle", he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates", Saint Peter said. The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates." The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow. The Irishman replied, "These are Carol's."
A man joins an order of Monks. The head Monk says to the man "This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once, every 15 years." The man says "Ok" and so begins his time with the silent order. 15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to the man "It has been fifteen years. What would you like to say, brother?". The man responds, "The porridge could do with a little more sugar." The head monk nods in acknowledgment and walks away. Another 15 years pass and the head monk finds the man in the dormitory and says "Brother, it has been another 15 years. What is it that you wish to say?". "The bed sheets are a bit thin." Replies the man. Again the head monk nods in acknowledgment. Yet another 15 years pass and the head monk sees the man and asks "15 years have passed. Have you anything to say?". "Well actually I've been thinking about it and I'm leaving the order. It's not really for me." says the man. "Yes, yes" sighs the head monk "I think that's for the best. You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. "Well... Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling this s**t, he wouldn't even f**kin' try!"
Bought an old Morris 1100 at a car auction yesterday and immediately set about giving it a good old scrub and polish. I was just giving it a final coat of wax when the police arrived and arrested me on the spot. Apparently I'm being charged with grooming a Minor