A Chinese man moved to Australia after years of living in Shanghai. He bought a small piece of land near Mt Isa. Soon after, his friendly Aussie neighbor decided to go across and welcome the new guy. But on his way up the drive-way, the Aussie saw the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs', he decided to visit the Chinese the next day. The next day, just as he was about to knock on the front door, he saw through the window the Chinese man urinated into a glass and then drank his own urine. Again not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decided to put the welcome on hold for yet another day. A day later the Aussie decided to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he saw the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, paused, and then put his head next to the bull's bum. The Aussie bloke couldn't take it anymore, so he went up to the Chinese and said, 'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighborhood and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's bum.' The Chinese was taken back 'Sorry sir, you no understand. These no Chinese customs. I doing these Australian customs.' 'What do you mean mate' said the Aussie, 'those aren't Australian customs.' 'Yes they are. Man at travel agent tell me' replied the Chinese man. 'He say to become true Australian, you learn to chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull-s**t!"
The tiny cabin A social worker from a big city in Ontario recently transferred to a small community in the northern part of Saskatchewan, was on the first tour of her new territorywhen she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life.. Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door. 'Anybody home?' she asked. 'Yep,' came a kid's voice through the door. 'Is your father there?' asked the social worker.. 'Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in,' said the kid. 'Well, is your mother there?' persisted the social worker. 'Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here,' said the kid. 'But,' protested the social worker, 'are you never together as a family?' 'Sure, but not here,' said the kid through the door....... 'This is the Outhouse!' ( Some Government workers are so smart)
Deserted Island Two Kiwis, two Aussies, two Welshmen and two Irishmen were marooned on a desert island. The two Aussies got together and started a bank; the two Welshmen got together and started a choir; the two Irishmen got together and started a fight; The two Kiwis never spoke to each other - they hadn't been introduced!
I phoned the Hypochondriac's Helpline yesterday, the bloke at the other end said "Can you describe your symptoms"? So, after I had done that, he replied "Do you know, I have those symptoms as well"
As a society we've become pampered and mollycoddled. We now have apples pre-washed and sliced and put into bags, we can buy cheese already grated, potatoes peeled garnished and put into packs. Even my local dealer has got in on the act, he's started to cut his cocaine with slimfast powder and is banging it out as Diet Coke.
Little Johnny Little Johnny catches his parents going at it. He says, "Hey Dad! What are you doing?" His father says, "I'm filling your mother's tank." Little Johnny says, "Yeah? Well, you should get a model that gets better mileage. The milkman filled her this morning."
The British Law states that it is legal to own a firearm at the age of 17. However it is illegal to purchase fireworks if you are below the age of 18. This means you can shoot somebody , but have to wait a year before you can frighten the s**t out of a cat!”
Timberland in Oregon A lady from California purchased a piece of timberland in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her vagina. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry lady demanded, "What took you so long?" The unperturbed doctor replied, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area."
4th Grade Biology A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says. A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered." The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. "Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!" "That must've been scary," said the teacher. "It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," but before she could say 'Fuk!' the Rottweiler ate her!"
I went to see my doctor, I said "I don't understand it - my wife is pregnant but we haven't had sex in a year!" The doctor replies, "Ah, it's what we call a 'grudge pregnancy'... Someone's obviously had it in for you."
An Australian went into a bar and sat next to a kiwi who was chewing gum. The kiwi chewing the gum asked the aussie if they eat bread in Australia, The aussie said "Of course, we eat the inside of the bread and take the outside and recycle it then make cereal with it for kiwis." Then the kiwi chewing on the gum asked if they ate bananas in Australia Then the aussie said, "Well of course we eat the inside and recycle the rest and make smoothies for kiwis." Then the kiwi chewing the gum asked 1 more question "do you have sex in Australia:" The man said yes "we use condoms for sex and when we finish with them we recycle it and make gum for kiwis".
Did you hear about the winner of the New Zealand beauty contest? Me neither. Whats the difference between Cinderella and the New Zealand rugby team? Cinderella wanted to get to the ball. What is a Kiwi's defense in court? "Honest your Honor, I was just helping the sheep over the fence." How do Kiwi's find sheep in long grass? Delightful! Why wasn't Jesus born in New Zealand? He couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
A young apprentice is late for work one morning and the foreman calls him into his office. "Why were you late?' he asks. "Err...well, I had to give my missus a table ender" he replies. "What's a table ender?" asks the foreman. "She insists on it! She lays on her back on the kitchen table and I have to see to her!" "Well, that's no excuse for being late for work!" The next day, the lad's late again and this time the foreman is ready. "Well what's your excuse this morning?" he asks. "Same as yesterday, I'm afraid". says the lad. "Well now, I gave my wife a "table ender" this morning and I wasn't late, was I?" says the foreman, emphatically. The lad frowns and then asks, "No, but is your table on castors?"
Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very nervous. Her mother reassured her; "Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I"ll be making pasta." So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria," says the mother, "all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you." So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he"s got hairy legs!" "Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you." So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!" Her Mama said, "Stay here and stir the pasta."..
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: "Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty... You're crazy to go to Rome... So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking BA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "BA?" exclaimed the hairdresser... " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?" "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste." "I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump." "We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Good luck on this trip of yours. You're going to need it..." A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a £5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!" "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me" "Oh, really! What'd he say ?" He said: "Who the f**k did your hair?"
There is a knock on the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks out, and a man is standing there. Saint Peter is about to begin his interview when the man disappears. A moment later there's another knock. Saint Peter gets the door, sees the man, opens his mouth to speak, but the man disappears once again. "Hey, are you playing games with me?" Saint Peter calls after him, rather annoyed. "No" the man's distant voice replies anxiously. "They are trying to resuscitate me."
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil... Satan: "Why so glum?" Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!" Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?" Guy: "Sure, I love to drink." Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca. We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway." Guy: "Gee that sounds great!" Satan: "You a smoker?" Guy: "You better believe it!" Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?" Guy: "Wow...that's awesome!" Satan: "I bet you like to gamble." Guy: "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do." Satan: "Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps,blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow." Guy: "Cool!" Satan: "What about Drugs?" Guy: "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?" Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great bigbowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine.You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares." Guy: "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!" Satan: "You gay?" Guy: "No..." Satan: "Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough..."