Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car. Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I tink both his legs are broken.' Operator: 'What is your location sir?' Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street.' Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?' Silence.... and after a minute. Operator: 'Are you there sir?' More silence and another minute later. Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?' This goes on for another few minutes until.... Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?' Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat... I couldn't spell eucalyptus, so I just dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street.'
A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of police officers, an old Sergeant and a younger Constable. The Sergeant says, "Mate, we have some news for you. Unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news." "Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first." The Sergeant says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead." The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is. The Sergeant says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few Really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share." He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it. "Aww thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... so, what's the other possible good news?" "Well," the Sergeant says, "If you fancy a quick trip, young Bill and I get off duty at around 11 o'clock... and we're going to shoot over there and pull her up again".
It's Christmas .... What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic How do you know when Santa's in the room? You can sense his presents. What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Snowballs. The 3 stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn't believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus. What is the best evidence that Microsoft has a monopoly? Santa Claus had to switch from Chimneys to Windows. Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? A: Frostbite. Q: Why does Santa Claus like to go down the chimney? A: Because it soots him!
Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned. She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat. About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament. They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts. Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the hospital emergency room. The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.). Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before." The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them...... I just never saw one mounted and framed."
A BOXING DAY POO. You sit upon the toilet with everything prepared, you're feeling quite excited but a little bloody scared! That huge amount of Christmas nosh has turned into a log and now the fateful time has come to flush it down the bog! But first you must expel the beast and so you start to strain, you bite down on a piece of wood to take away the pain. But oh my god, its bloody huge, its like you're giving birth! You sweat and push and swear and shake and strain for all you're worth. And then the magic moment comes that fills your soul with cheer, a turd the size of King Kongs arm emerges from your rear. And like a bomb it hits the pan thus lightening your mood, and making room inside your guts for lots more christmas food!!
An Elderly Gentleman Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman suffering from Alzheimers. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn't handle him any longer. He would wander about, never knowing where he was or, sometimes, even who he was. She decided to take him to a nursing home. At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man started slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up. A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side. Then he started leaning forward. This time the nurse strapped him into the chair. After completing the paperwork, his wife walked up to him and asked, "So are you sure this place is okay?" "It's okay," he said, "but why won't they let me fart?"
Got let out of prison today. The warden turned and asked "Can you take any positives from your time in here?" I smiled "Yeah actually, the wife can't ever call me a tight arsed bastard again"
Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn’t seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their “Older Person Friendly” policies. One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. “Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome.” “Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it.” “Well good, you are a team player. That’s what I like to hear”.. “Yes sir, I understand your concern and I will try harder”.. Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, “I know you’re retired from the Navy. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning late so often?” The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled. He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin, “They usually saluted and said, Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir”?
A delightful angelic little boy was waiting for his mother outside the ladies room of the petrol station. As he stood there, he was approached by a man who asked, “Young man, can you tell me where the Post Office is?” The little boy replied, “Sure! Just go straight down this street and at the junction turn to your right. It’s on the left.” The man thanked the boy kindly, complimented him on how bright he was and said, “I’m the new vicar. If you and your parents come to church on Sunday, I’ll show you how to get to Heaven.” The little boy replied with a chuckle; “You’re kidding me, right? You can’t even find the bloody Post Office.”
I went to the liquor store yesterday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Rum and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the Rum before I cycled home. It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.
Paddy was driving home one afternoon when he slightly bumped the car in front of him at some traffic lights. As he got out the car to speak to the driver, he glanced at the car and felt sure the person in the back was dead. "What made you think that he was dead?" Asked Mick "He was in a feckin' coffin." Replied Paddy.
A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds. She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a ball. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him. 'You ok?' she says. 'Yes.' he says. 'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says. 'It's best I stay here.' he says. 'Why's that sweetie?' says the blonde. The boy looks at her incredulously and says, "Because I'm the Goalie !"
A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire. "Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said. The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday. After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself." So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?" "No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?" "Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl. The girl finished her bath and went to bed. Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?" "Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours." "Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before." "I know," he said.... "but the Darts Team hadn't!
A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house.... A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and wearing a yarmulke steps out of the car and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli , a condo in Miami , and a $1,000,000 bank account.... "If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a $25,000,000 bank account." "However, if there is a miscarriage , I'm not sure what to do. What do you suggest?" At this point, the mother placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and told him, "You'll f**k her again!"
The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumour had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumour was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.' Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon. About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. 'How's the new wife?', asked the banker. Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.' The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?' Without hesitating, Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.'
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Homeless woman A well-dressed lady was approached by a homeless woman one day on the street. The homeless woman asked for a few dollars for something to eat. The lady pulled a $10 from her purse and then asked the woman, "If I give you this, are you going to buy wine instead of dinner?" "No, I had to give up drinking a long time ago," said the woman. "Well, if I give you this, are you going to go shopping for clothes instead of eating?" "No way. It is all I can do just to stay alive on the streets." "Well, if I give you this, are you going to get your hair done instead of having a meal?" "No, I have not even washed my hair in over a month. Why would I do that, I am just hungry." "Well," said the lady, "I am not going to give you this $10. Instead I am going to take you to dinner with my husband and me tonight." The woman said, "Are you sure you want to do that? I am so dirty and I smell awful." "Oh, that's OK. My husband needs to see what happens to a woman who gives up wine, shopping and having her hair done!"
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate. The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note: Dear Sir, Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part. The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your a*** and go as a toffee apple