My mate accidentally shot himself in the groin with his shotgun...He was rushed into hospital and was in theatre for five hours. When the surgeon came to see him afterwards, he told him "I've manged to remove all the pellets from your scrotum and repair the internal damage okay, so the good news is that your testicles will return to normal, the bad news is that when we removed the pellets from your penis, they have left quit a few holes in it, so I'm going to refer you to my sister" My mate said "Okay,doc is your sister a plastic surgeon then"? The surgeon replied "No, she plays a flute in an orchestra, she's going to show you how to hold it so that you don't piss in your own eye".
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross. A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite." The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said, "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?” She responded, “Why yes I do know you since you were a little boy, and frankly you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think your a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes I know you. The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney? She replied, “Why yes I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem, He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.” The defense attorney nearly died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice said: “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.” LOL! Share this story using the buttons below.
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: 'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her you have to go to the bathroom?' Michael said: 'Excuse me,I need to pee.' The teacher responded: 'That would be quite impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?' Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.' 'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?' Johnny said: 'I would say "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.' The teacher fainted.
Nice Fire Truck A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled inside. The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. “That sure is a nice fire truck”, the firefighter said with admiration. “Thanks”, the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer and noticed the little girl had tied the wagon to the dog’s collar and the cat’s testicles. “Little partner”, the firefighter said, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you tie that rope to the cat’s collar, I think you might go faster.” The little girl replied thoughtfully, “you’re probably right, but then I would not have a siren.”
The Farmers Harley On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best buddies, best pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life. The moral of the story? (Yep. You betcha. There is a moral!) 'When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Harley to pick up chicks!
Two nicely dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the Los Angeles Airport. The first lady was an arrogant Californian woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well-mannered, elderly woman from the South. When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, “When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me.” The lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart.” The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz.” Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart.” The first woman continued, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.” Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, bless your heart.” The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?” "My husband sent me to Charm School," declared the Southern lady. "Charm School?" the first woman said, amazed. "Oh, my God! What on earth for?" The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying, ‘Who gives a s**t?’ I learned to say, ‘Well, bless your heart’!”
An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a lion heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep s**t now!” Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the lion is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious lion! I wonder, if there are any more around here?” Hearing this, the young lion halts his attack in mid-stride, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!," says the lion, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!” Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the lion So, off he goes. The squirrel soon catches up with the lion, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the lion. The young lion is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!” Now, the old Doberman sees the lion coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says……. "Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another lion!” Moral of this story… Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! Bull s**t and brilliance only come with age and experience.
10 Things a woman will never say. 1 Do you think this dress makes me look too slim? 2 You take me out too much. Can't we just stay in? 3 A fake one will do. 4 You look stressed out, let me give you a blow job. 5 Have a night out with your friends, you deserve it. 6 My mother is a real old bitch. 7 No,no. You buy me too much already. 8 Give it me hard up the arse big boy. You know I love it. 9 What headache? 10 Put your money away, let me buy the round.
A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man." "Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy. He woke in the morning with the feel of pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost.”
Cardiologist and the Honda Mechanic. A Honda mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Honda when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working on the Honda . The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I make $24,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work? The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic.... "Try doing it with the engine running."
She hurried to the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside. The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground. She looked at it and said, "I don't know how to use this." She bowed her head and asked God to send her some HELP. Within 5 minutes a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off of his cycle and asked if he could help. She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick. I've locked my keys in my car. I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?" He said, "Sure". He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open. She hugged the man and through tears said, "Thank You, God, for sending me such a very nice man." The man heard her little prayer and replied, "Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of prison yesterday; I was in prison for car theft." The woman hugged the man again, sobbing, "Oh, thank you, God! You even sent me a Professional!" Is GOD Great or What?
It's going to be a cold winter It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught he old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "We're sure it's going to be cold because the Indians are collecting firewood like crazy!"
After 3 months at sea one time, Kev called the missus to say he was on my his way home, "I can't wait to see you again." She told me. "And I've a nice surprise for you, too." When I got there, I opened the living room door to find her lying on the couch, stark naked. "Holy s**t baby, you look amazing!!" I said, jaw hitting the floor. "It looks like you've lost loads of weight and certainly aren't the same fatty you were a few weeks ago. This is a fabulous surprise." "Oh piss off, Kev!" she snapped. "I've bought us a bigger sofa!!
A man in the Aussie Outback wakes up one morning to find a deadly drop bear on his roof. So, he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Macca's Drop Bear Removers." He calls the number and the man says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The drop bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a cricket bat, 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean heavily scarred old pit bull. "What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks. "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and I’ll knock the bastard off the roof with this cricket bat. When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. "If the bugger knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."