A man goes to visit a fortune teller. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your wife will die a violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, the man stares at the fortune teller's lined face,then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. He took a few deep breaths to compose himself. He simply had to know. He met the fortune-teller's gaze, steadied his voice, and asked his question: "Will I be found guilty?"
The Irish are a wonderful bunch of people, always willing to help in a pinch. Shortly after take-off on an outbound evening Air Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue: “Ladies and gentlemen, I’m so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don’t know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.” When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, “Anyone who is kind enough to give up his meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight“ Her next announcement came about 2 hours later: “If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available.”
Have you found Jesus? A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The Preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, ‘Are you ready to find Jesus?’ ‘Yes I am’ replies the drunk, So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, ‘Brother, have you found Jesus?’ The drunk replies, ‘No, I haven’t.’ The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, ‘Have you found Jesus, my brother?’ The drunk again answers, ‘No, I have not found Jesus.’ By this time the preacher is at his wits’ end so he Dunks the drunk in the water again, but this Time he holds him down for about 30 seconds. When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, ‘For the love of God, have you found Jesus?’ The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, ‘Are you sure this is where he fell in?
The normal calm of a small town clinic was broken when an elderly lady bursts out of her doctor's office wailing hysterically. The senior doctor in charge runs up and asks her what is wrong. She replies "That young doctor you recently hired just told me I'm pregnant! There has to be a mistake!". The senior doctor takes her into his office, calms her down, and then marches down the hall to confront his young assistant. He asks "What is wrong with you? Mrs. Johnson is 84 years old, has 6 grown children, 10 grandchildren, and 4 great grandchildren. And you just come out and tell her she's pregnant? What the hell were you thinking?". The young physician continues to write his notes, and without even looking looking up at his superior, replies "Does she still have the hiccups?".
Last night I got into bed with my wife and all I wanted to do was go to sleep, but she had other ideas and started to grab hold of me and play with me, I knew she was up for it. So I turned to her and said "Darling go down stairs and bring the cling film up." and she did because she is really a broad minded girl.So I ripped off a large piece and put it between her legs, she look at me and said "Will it make me really really sensitive?" I looked back at her and said "No, but it'll keep you fresh until tomorrow."
JOB OFFER 5 people needed to work in a large event, on the 29th, 30th and 31st of February !!! 8 Hours per day - $700.00 per day. $2,100 cash for the 3 days. Anyone available??????? SERIOUS WORKERS ONLY!!!! Call me
the sad part about that joke is there are going to be people that apply without any thought of the dates looking for a supervisory position on this job ! LOL
I went to an A A meeting the other night. Somehow I managed to find the courage to stand up for the first time and say, "hi, my name is Ed Wallis and I am an alcoholic!"....Everyone there just stared in silence, then Someone said, "I think you're at the wrong meeting, this is the Automobile Association!
Paddy is sat having a quiet drink in the bar when Murphy walks in cradling a lizard. Paddy exclaims "Bejeezus Murph, what the hell have you got there, looks like some mad kind of swivel eyed dinosaur type of thing?" Murphy carefully sets his new pet down on the table and replies "It's a Chameleon." Paddy lowers his head to the table until he's almost nose to nose with the animal and says "Go on then, tell me a joke!....."
A husband and wife are in bed watching "Who Wants to be a Millionaire". The husband asks for sex. The wife says, "No." > Her husband asks, "Is that your final answer?" > She responds, "Yes." He says, "Then, I'd like to call a friend."
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry we don’t serve food here."
I started my new job today. My boss handed me a fiver and said, "First things first, I need you to go down to the shops and buy me a glass hammer, a skirting board ladder and a bubble for a spirit level." I laughed and said, "Do you really think I'm that f**king stupid?" "What do you mean mate?" He sniggered. I said, "That lot is going to cost more than a fiver."