Jokes Jokes Jokes

Discussion in 'Forum Games' started by pedagogy, Jun 2, 2010.

  1. Michaela Joy

    Michaela Joy MDL Crazy Lady

    Jul 26, 2012
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    :rofl: And don't forget the skyhook with 20 yards of sky line.
     
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  2. dhjohns

    dhjohns MDL Guru

    Sep 5, 2013
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    I really love my 32" left-handed touch monitor!
     
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  3. zen45

    zen45 MDL Addicted

    Feb 25, 2010
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    is that like turn signal fluid for your car ?
     
  4. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.
    Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

    "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds"

    Willing to try anything, I fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

    "How long will this take?" I asked.

    "They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.

    I stopped.

    "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

    Without missing a beat he says: "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

    He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
     
  5. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    A gentleman goes to see the doctor about getting something done about his missing p*nis, which he lost in the war. The doctor asks the man how many males were in his family and the gentleman replied seven.

    The doctor said if they all agreed, he could take an inch off of each male and the gentleman would have an eight inch p*nis.

    The gentleman asked the other males in his family if they would agree to having the surgery and everyone said yes. The next day all eight males went into the hospital to have the surgery.

    After it was all performed the doctor told the gentleman that he had a brand new eight inch p*nis, but to be extremely careful with it and to come back and see him in a week.

    The next week the gentleman goes back to see the doctor and the doctor asked him how his new p*nis was working.

    The gentleman replied, "Great doc, but I only have one question. Who's brilliant idea was it to put grandpa's part in the middle?"
     
  6. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    A bloke met a beautiful blonde sheila and decided he wanted to tie the knot with her right away.
    She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'
    He said, 'That's no worries, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'
    So she consented. They were married and off they went on a honeymoon at a resort.
    One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
    After a few more demonstrations he came back and lay down on the towel.
    She said, 'That was incredible!'
    He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'
    So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps.
    After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.
    He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'
    'No mate,' she replied, 'I was a hooker in Mildura, but I worked both sides of the Murray.
     
  7. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    A guy with a 25-inch p*nis went to a doctor and said, "I can't live with this pe*nis anymore! It's too long."

    The doctor replied, "I can't do anything for you, but if you see the witch doctor in the bayou, she can help you."

    So, he went to the bayou and saw the witch doctor.

    The witch doctor said, "Go into the swamp and find a female frog. Ask her to marry you. She'll say "No", and you'll lose 5 inches off your member!"

    So, he went to the swamp and found the frog and asked her,
    "Will you marry me?"

    "No!", she said. He lost 5 inches off his member!

    The guy liked the results, and thought, 20 inches is just too much.

    So he asked the frog again, "Will you marry me?"

    The frog said, "No!" And the guy lost another 5 inches.

    He thought, Good, 15 inches is great, but 10 inches would just be perfect. So he asked, "Will you marry me?"

    And the frog said, "How many times do I have to tell you......... ..NO! NO! NO!"
     
  8. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up ...

    The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,

    'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

    I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

    "So what do you think about that Doc ?"

    The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

    "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season."

    One day he was setting off to go hunting.

    In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."

    "As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge..

    He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

    Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."

    "Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

    Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.

    The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

    The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
     
  9. zen45

    zen45 MDL Addicted

    Feb 25, 2010
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    The C I A had an opening for an assassin
    The C I A had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

    For the final test, the C I A agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

    "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."

    The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.”

    The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”

    The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife.”

    The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home.“

    Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.

    The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.

    "The gun was loaded with blanks," she said.

    "I had to kill him with the chair.”
     
  10. zen45

    zen45 MDL Addicted

    Feb 25, 2010
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    My daughter and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.
    Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
    She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
    I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back.'
    She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
    I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'
    The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
    Do not confuse the people at MacD's.
    We had to have the garage door repaired.
    The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
    I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
    He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
    I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
    We haven't used that repairman since...
    I live in a semi rural area.
    We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
    The reason: 'Too many deers are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
    IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE.
    My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.
    She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
    He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
    I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
    'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
    To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
    He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
    The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
    I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
    She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
    I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
    Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
    She is a government employee.....
    When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a
    service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
    We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
    As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
    ‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
    His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
    STAY ALERT! these people breed and reproduce !
     
  11. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    A Chinese man had three daughters. He asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.

    "I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest," said the eldest daughter.

    He then asked his second daughter whom she would like to marry.

    "I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest," said the second daughter.

    He finally asked his youngest daughter whom she would like to marry.

    "I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground," said the youngest daughter.
     
  12. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    Three Nuns went to heaven.
    To get in they had to go past St Peter.
    He asked the first Nun.
    Who was the first woman?
    1st Nun said Eve.
    Yes, in you go said St Peter.
    2nd Nun. St Peter asked Where did Eve live??
    2nd Nun said: In the garden of Eden.
    St Peter said: correct, in you go.
    St Peter asked the 3rd Nun. What did Eve say when she met Adam?
    The 3rd Nun said, 'Now that's a hard one '
    St Peter said , yes, in you go!!!
     
  13. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    I've just got home from watching a football match involving 22 patients from a Stroke Rehabilitation Centre.
    Although, I must say, it was one of the most one sided games I've ever seen.
     
  14. zen45

    zen45 MDL Addicted

    Feb 25, 2010
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    This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast and as I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!"
    Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all and I gave her a banging right there on the kitchen table.

    Afterwards, she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

    More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

    She chuckled, "The egg timer's broken."
     
  15. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    The wife and I were in Hawaii a couple of weeks ago when that "incoming missile" alert came up on both of our phones.
    She quickly changed into her naughtiest lingerie and took up a seductive pose on the hotel bed... "We only have 38 minutes to live," said my wife... "So let's make the most of it."
    "Too right," I said, and I promptly buggered off down to the bar.
     
  16. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    A rubbish collector is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor.
    He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit
    of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks. There's no answer.
    Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.
    Eventually a Japanese man comes to the door. "Harro!" says the Japanese man.
    "Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector
    "I bin on toiret," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.
    Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.
    "No ! No ! Mate, Where's your dust bin?"
    "I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man, still perplexed.
    "Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me. I mean, where is your wheelie bin?'"
    "OK, OK. " replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in
    the collector's ear. "I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!"
     
  17. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    This lesbian couple came into my restaurant with a newborn baby in their arms.

    "It's so cute," I said as I tickled its forehead... "Boy or girl ?"

    "'It' will decide for itself once it's 12 years old," they hissed.
     
  18. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to
    her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a
    conversation with your fellow passenger."
    The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
    stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
    " Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no GOD, or no
    Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
    "OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a
    question first.
    A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass.
    Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but
    a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
    The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks
    about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
    To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified
    to discuss why there is no GOD, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after
    death, when you don't know s**t?"
    And then she went back to reading her book.