A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well. Inside the closet, the little boy says, “It’s dark in here, isn’t it?” “Yes it is,” the man replies. “You wanna buy a baseball?,” the little boy asks. “No thanks,” the man replies. “I think you do want to buy a baseball,” the little extortionist continues. After considering the position he is in, the man replies “OK. How much?” “Twenty-five dollars,” the little boy replies. “TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!” the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position. The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy. “It’s dark in here, isn’t it?,” the boy starts off. “Yes it is,” replies the man. “Wanna buy a baseball glove? ” the little boy asks. “OK. How much?,” the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage. “Fifty dollars,” the boy replies and the transaction is completed. The next weekend, the little boy’s father says “Hey son, go get your ball and glove and we’ll play some catch.” “I can’t. I sold them,” replies the little boy. “How much did you get for them?,” asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy. “Seventy-five dollars,” the little boy says. “SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That’s thievery! I’m taking you to church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness,” the father explains as he hauls the child away. At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says “It’s dark in here, isn’t it?” “Don’t you start that s**t in here now,” the priest replies.
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes more difficult for them to maintain the same standard of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to shout at them. Some are over-sensitive, and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman. My name is George, let me relate how I handled the situation with my over-sensitive wife Mildred. When I took early retirement last year, it became necessary for Mildred to take on an extra job to generate the extra income that we need. Shortly after she started the job I began to notice how she was showing her age. I now get home from the pub about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she always says she needs to rest for half an hour before making dinner. I don't shout at her, I just tell her to take her time and wake me up when dinner is on the table. I generally have lunch at the pub, so eating out again is unacceptable; I'm ready for home cooking when I get in. She used to do the dishes when we finished eating, but now she leaves them lying around for several hours. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her every few minutes that they won't clean themselves. I know she appreciates this as she usually washes them before bedtime. Another symptom of ageing is complaining. For example she complains that she has not enough time in her lunch hour to do all the shopping. I smile, and suggest that she spreads the shopping over 2 or 3 days, and that it wouldn't do her any harm to skip lunch completely once in a while. Tact is one of my strong points. I know I look like a saint in the way I support Mildred. Showing this much consideration is not easy. Many men will find it difficult - some will find it impossible. However, if you show a little more tact and diplomacy towards your ageing wife as a result of reading this, I will consider writing it was well worthwhile. EDITORS NOTE: George died last week, he was found with a 24 inch Stanley screwdriver stuck up his arse with only 2 inches protruding. His wife Mildred was arrested, but an all female jury accepted her defence that he had accidentally sat on it!!..
I'm now getting to that stage when I have to use a lubricant before having sex with my wife Usually about eight pints !
Flunitrazepam, also known as Rohypnol among other names, is an intermediate acting benzodiazepine used in some countries to treat severe insomnia and in fewer, early in anesthesia. Just as with other hypnotics, flunitrazepam should be strictly used only on a short-term basis or by those with chronic insomnia on an occasional basis. Flunitrazepam has been referred to as a date rape drug even though its incidence is very rare in reported rape cases.
"What do you want for your birthday?" I asked my sweet wife "Ooh if you're feeling generous, I could do with an outfit for work!" So I got her a new apron and some oven gloves.
"What do you want for your birthday?" I asked my sweet wife "Ooh if you're feeling generous, I could do with an outfit for work!" So I got her a new apron and some oven gloves." (common sense and the fear of death keep me from trying something like that LOL )
During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?" He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now." I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense." He replied, "Neither do I, but my thermometer just broke."
An Aussie stock-man and his wife had just got married, and found a quiet hotel for their wedding night. The man approached the front desk and asked for a room. He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good strong bed." 'We have many suites', then the clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?' The drover reflected on this for a moment, and then replied, 'Nah, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.'
The jockey A bloke was having a few drinks by himself at a casino when he met up with a striking but quite short and slim young woman. They got on famously and ended up in bed. The next morning she told him she was a jockey and that if he came to the horse races that day, she'd tip him the winner of each race she was riding in by giving him a sign as she rode out of the saddling paddock. In Race 2, she rode out rubbing both her boobs. The bloke looked through the race book and found 'Two Abreast' on which he placed $100 at 5-1. It won by two lengths. In Race 4 she rode out rubbing her fingers round her eyes. He put the lot on 'Eyes of Blue' at 10-1 and was then $5000 in front. In the last race she came out standing up in the stirrups and rubbing her crotch. He backed nothing. After the races, he met up with her and thanked her for the winners in races 2 and 4. 'What about 'Itchy Mickey' in the sixth?', she asked. 'It paid a fortune? 'Shlt', he said, 'I thought you were telling me the favourite was scratched!'
A man went fishing and hadn't caught a thing in four hours, when all of a sudden the local vicar turned up and cast his rod into the stream and within half an hour his keep net was full! The man is getting quite pissed off at this so decides to ask the vicar how he does it. The vicar kindly tells him "Well my son, go home tonight and rub your hand between your wifes legs, and then rub it in with all your worms and the smell will attract the fish!".The man thinks this is a good idea so he goes home and sees the wife standing by the stove cooking dinner, he goes up to her, sticks his hand up her skirt and starts rubbing away.The wife giggles and says "Oh hello vicar, off fishing again?"
Those new anti-snoring pillows at Aldi are amazing. I held one over the wife's face for 5 minutes and not heard a peep from her since. ...Best nights sleep I've had in years.
One day a 12-year old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the window was wound down. "I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car", said the male driver. "No way, get stuffed", replied the boy. How about a bag of lollies and £10?" asked the driver? "No way", replied the irritated youngster. "What about a bag of lollies and FIFTY quid, eh"? quizzed the driver, still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy. "No, I'm not getting in the car!" answered the boy. "OK, I know what you want - I'll give you £100 and a bag of lollies", the driver offered. "NO," screamed the boy. "What will it take to get you into the car"? asked the driver with a long sigh. The boy replied: "Listen Dad, you bought a Ford - live with it!