A man stumbled home after a night partying hard with his mistress. He checked the time on his watch and saw that it was 6.00am. When he got to his front door his very angry wife greeted him. She smelt the alcohol on his breath and saw the lipstick on his cheek. “I assume,” she snarled, “that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o’clock in the morning?” “There is.” the man slurred, “Breakfast.”
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. When he got to the check-out line, the lady got in front of him. “Pardon me,” she said. “I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It’s just that you look just like my son, who died recently.” “I’m very sorry,” replied the young man. “Is there anything I can do for you?” “Yes,” she said. “As I’m leaving, can you say ‘Goodbye, Mother’, it would make me feel so much better.” “Sure,” the young man said. As the woman was leaving, he called out, “Goodbye Mother!” As he stepped up to the check-out counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. “How can that be?” He asked. “I only purchased a few things!” “Your mother said that you would pay for her,” said the clerk.
LOST DOG 3 LEGS BLIND IN LEFT EYE MISSING RIGHT EAR TAIL BROKEN, RECENTLY CASTRATED ANSWERS TO THE NAME "LUCKY"
John and Sue, an old married couple, are sitting on the couch watching television. On the show, the TV hosts are speaking about how to prepare in case of death. Turning to his wife, John says, “Honey, I want you to promise me, that if there ever comes a time that I am dependent on just machines and bottled fluids, that you will make sure to put an end to it.” “No problem,” said Sue. So, she got up, turned off the TV and poured his beer down the sink.
A couple are playing together in the annual golf club championship and everything is riding on an apparently easy putt the wife has to make on the last hole. Worried and under pressure, she spends a lot of time adjusting her stance before gently tapping the ball. Unfortunately, the ball roles far past the hole and the couple lose. As they drive away from the clubhouse, the husband is fuming and the atmosphere is tense. Finally, hands gripped tightly on the steering wheel, he manages to say, “I can’t believe you missed that putt! It was six inches maximum. Honestly, it was no longer than my dick!”. The wife, keeping her cool, looks over at her husband as he drives, and replies,”Yes, dear, but it was so much harder”.
A woman in her 80s was driving with a friend. The friend was thinking how lovely and smooth the trip had been when the 80-year-old went through a red light. The friend did not say anything because she didn’t want to look like a back-seat driver. Then the 80-year-old went through another red light. “Do you realize you just went through two red lights?” the friend said in shock. “Oh,” the 80-year-old said, “was I driving?”
An Australian indigenous bloke was driving along the road when he suddenly noticed that one of his rear tyres had gone flat. With a sigh and a curse he pulled over, got out the car jack and wheel brace and started undoing the nuts on the wheel. Just after he started, a Subaru going along at high speed stopped in front of his car, brakes squealing. Out hops a big Maori carrying a baseball bat. The Maori proceeds to smash the side window of the Aborigine's car. The Aborigine jumps up and starts yelling "what the hell are you doing?" The Maori says, ”Aw come on bro. If you’re taking the wheels, at least let me have the CD player!"
They say women are better multi taskers than men. This isn't necessarily true. My Grandad sneezed, spat his teeth out, farted and pee'd himself, all at the same time last night, whilst eating his dinner.
Have you ever sneezed and farted at the same moment? It really hurts. I think you pull a vacuum somewhere.
Golf Ball A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball... stuck under the cow's tail. "That's when I made my mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor. "Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!"
If you read the bible backwards its about a man sent to earth on a cross who is helped down by some Roman's and told to go on his way. He then travels the world making people blind and giving them leprosy. He even ruins a meal for a huge crowd by turning all their food into 2 fish and 5 loaves. He gets fewer followers as time goes by and in the end he's lying in a stable and 3 old men steal all his presents
My Chinese neighbour knocked on my door just now and said, "Your cat s**t in my garden this morning, so me and my family had it for dinner." "Oh! Right," I said, "I knew you people ate some weird s**t, but I didn't know you liked cat s**t."
On hearing her grandfather had died, Kate went to her grandparents house to comfort her 95 year old grandmother. When she asked her grandfather had died, her grandmother told her , he had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning. Horrified Kate told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. Oh no dear replied the old woman. Years ago we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells were ringing. It was the right rhythm, nice and slow. Just in on the ding and out on the dong. She paused to wipe away a tear. He'd still be alive if mr wippy hadn't come along
Two fags were visiting a zoo, when they found themselves at the gorilla cage. The gorilla was sitting there with a huge erection. Unable to contain himself one of the men reaches in to touch it. As soon as his arm goes into the cage, the gorilla grabs him, and takes him into the cage... slams him to the floor and f**ks him senseless. A few days later in hospital the boyfriend visits and asks his partner if he is hurt... "Hurt... Hurt... You bet I'm hurt. He hasn't phoned, he hasn't written..."
Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. Its in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna f**k around?"
Anna realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said: “That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” the girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister: “My monkey has grown hair.” Her sister smiled and said: “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”
A farmer marries a young blonde woman from the city. Not long after their marriage, the farmer tells her "I have to go to town for some new fencing. The local vet will be showing up to inseminate one of the cows. Just take him to the barn and look for the bright and shiny new nail I drove into the wall above the stall door. The cow I want impregnated is in that stall". About an hour later the vet shows up. He asks for the farmer and the wife informs him she knows which cow it is. He's a bit doubtful about her ability since she's a blonde city girl that's new to farm life, but says nothing and quietly follows her out to the barn. As they walk along the row of stalls she keeps an eye out for the new nail above the stall. She finally spots it and says "Here we are. The cow is in this stall right here". The vet asks "Are you sure this is the cow? You'd better be, since your husband is paying me $500 to do this." She replies "Absolutely. My husband drove that new nail into the wall above the stall to mark it for me." The vet replies "Are you sure about this? Maybe he drove that nail into the wall for some other purpose. Are you sure that's what the nail is there for?" Frustrated with his lack of confidence in her, she turns and starts walking away, then says over her shoulder "Maybe it's there for you to hang your pants on."
Imagine you're in Starbucks, using an Apple laptop and you decide you want the latest Jimmy Carr DVD. You do a Google search and find Amazon have got it - so you order a copy. How much ****ing tax has been avoided on that transaction ? Sean Lock