How's this for a Tax Joke. A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says: “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask a few questions.” He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “What is your occupation?” The woman replies, “I’m a whore.” The accountant balks and says, “No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let’s try to rephrase that." The woman says: ” Ok, I’m a prostitute.” The accountant says “No, that is still too crude. Try again.” They both think for a minute, then the woman states, “I’m a chicken farmer.” The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?” The woman says: “Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year.”
Poof goes to see a doctor: "Doctor, doctor, I've got AIDS! Can you do anything for me?". Doctor says: "Certainly," gets out his prescription pad and starts writing, "here's a prescription for some castor oil and heavy-duty liquid laxatives; take half a litre of each, every morning for the next two weeks". Poof asks: "Will this cure me of AIDS?". Doctor: "No, but after this, you'll know what your arse was designed for".
My boss accused me of installing a hidden camera in the women's toilet. "How you know it was me, it could be anyone!" I told him. "I saw you on my camera!" he replied!
This is getting out of hand now. Every morning since Monday, a German Shepherd has come to my garden and had a s**t on the lawn. Guess what happened today...... The cheeky bastard brought his dog with him.
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY: 1. Feed him 2. Sleep with him 3. Leave him with peace 4. Don't check his phone (Msgs) 5. Don't bother him with his movements So what's so hard about that? HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY: It's really not too difficult but... To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be: 1. a friend 2. a companion 3. a lover 4. a brother 5. a father 6. a master 7. a chef 8. an electrician 9. a plumber 10. a mechanic 11. a carpenter 12. a decorator 13. a stylist 14. a sexologist 15. a gynecologist 16. a psychologist 17. a pest exterminator 18. a psychiatrist 19. a healer 20. a good listener 21. an organizer 22. a good father 23. very clean 24. sympathetic 25. athletic 26. warm 27. attentive 28. gallant 29. intelligent 30. funny 31. creative 32. tender 33. strong 34. understanding 35. tolerant 36. prudent 37. ambitious 38. capable 39. courageous 40. determined 41. true 42. dependable 43. passionate WITHOUT FORGETTING TO: 44. give her compliments regularly 45. go shopping with her 46. be honest 47. be very rich 48. not stress her out 49. not look at other girls AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO: 50. give her lots of attention 51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself 52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes BUT MOST OF ALL IT IS VERY IMPORTANT: 53. never forget *birthdays *anniversaries *valentine *arrangements she makes
I went to visit my son not long after he had been sent down to prison. When I saw him, I was shocked to see he now had two "teardrop" tattoos under each of his eyes, and also the word "KILLER" inked in huge letters on his forehead. "I guess the new tattoos are a bit shocking, huh dad," he said to me. "You stupid idiot," I said to him, "You've ruined your life." "Sorry dad," he replied, "If it's about the tattoos, I just wanted to not get bullied in here, and maybe even one day be top dog in prison." "Top dog in prison !" said to him, "You're serving one month for cheating on benefits. How will you get a job now ?"
"A recent study shows that woman with massive breasts are more intelligent than woman with small breasts. Mind you, to be fair, the man conducting the study admits that he was not really listening."
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
Donald Trump and Barack Obama went to the same barbershop for a shave. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. Trump was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, if my wife smells that she will think I've been in a whorehouse,' The second barber turned to Obama and said, 'How about you?' Obama replied, 'Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what a whorehouse smells like.'
My german girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale of 1-10. Last night we tried anal. She kept yelling 9. That's the best I've ever done.
I'm reaching out on behalf of a friend of mine who needs some help! His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection. When he came back he handed her some diet pills. Anyway, he's looking for a place to live. Can you help him?
'Poor families burying relatives in their BACK GARDEN because they cannot afford a funeral, MP claims' - That's what I told the jury ten years ago after my wife committed suicide by stabbing herself in the back seven times.
Stevie Wonder meets up with Tiger Woods “ how’s it going Tiger, asks Stevie “ Great, replies Tiger, “ I’ve been working hard, got the swing back into rhythm and the back is holding up. What about you Stevie” “Yeah good as well, written some great tunes, won a couple of Grammys and been nominated for an Oscar” says Stevie. I’ve also taken up golf and have a handicap of 3” Tiger replies ( with raised eyebrows) “ Really? “Hey how about a game”, Stevie asks “Well the thing is”, Tiger says, “time is so precious these days that I only play for $250,000 a match. “Is that ok? “ Thats fine “ says Stevie “Ok when do you want to play “ asks Tiger ”Pick any night you want”, says Stevie