The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands. The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial - strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on soft surfaces, like a grass path." "Gentlemen, remember you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both." The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand. "Yes?" said the Instructor. "I was just wondering... would it be all right if she carries a golf bag?"
A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger girl at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring. The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something a bit more special.' At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000 the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.' The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By cheque I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.' On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said: 'Sir...There's no money in that account. ''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my amazing weekend.’
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are £20 bills falling out of that bag." "Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer. "Well, now, not so fast," said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me £20, or off it comes.' "Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?" "Not everybody pays."
My wife has just said to me "How about you dress up in that black mask again, pretending you broke into the house and shag me, you know, like you did a few weeks ago?"I have no idea what she's f**king talking about.!!
Recent scientific studies have found that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is ovulating; She is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. And if she is menstruating; She is likely to prefer a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors shoved deep into his temple and a cricket stump jammed up his arse… Further studies are expected.
A parrot was in a pet shop with a string attached to each leg when a man walked in looking to buy a pet. A shopkeeper came over and started to try and sell him a dog when the man noticed the parrot. He asked what the strings were for and the shopkeeper replied, "Well, if you pull the right string the parrot says, 'Polly wanna cracker'. If you pull the left string it says, 'my name's Sam'". The man being of the inquisitive nature tried both and thought it was really neat, but was still curious. So he asked what would happen if he pulled both strings, the parrot piped up, "I'd fall off the perch you bloody idiot!"
. union worker goes to a brothel... A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels nearby. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?" "No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't." "Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $80.00 and the girls get $20.00." Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this IS a Union House." The man asked, "And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80.00 and the house gets $20." "That's more like it!!!" the UAW man said. He handed the Madam $100.00, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. I'd like her for the night." "I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam, then gesturing to an 85 year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has Seniority."
A woman goes to her gynecologist. "What seems to be the problem?" asked her doctor. "Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my Vagina." The doctor had a look, then chuckled before she said, "Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the stickers off the bananas"
A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible. The instructions were that the short story had to contain the following three things: (1) Religion (2) Sexuality (3) Mystery Below is the only A+ paper in the class. "Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who the father is."
In an urban grade school, the teacher told her class to write a sentence with the word "dictate" One young lad (coincidentally named "Leroy") writes: "My mommy likes the way my daddy's dictates.
Little johnny is walking with his dad when they see two dogs shagging. "What are they doing, dad?", asks johnny. "Well the front dog is tired and the other is pushing him all the way home so he can lie down in his basket". Little johnny thinks, then says, "Good thing mum was holding onto the kitchen table yesterday, otherwise the postman would've pushed her all the way to the post office
I am a sailor in the Australian Navy, my parents live in Western Australia and my brother in law is a New Zealander living in Adelaide, South Australia. My father and mother have been busted for drug running and depend on my two sisters, who are prostitutes in Melbourne for a living. My only brother is serving a life sentence in jail on charges of murder. I am in love with an aboriginal prostitute who solicits around the naval dockyard. She says she loves me but knows nothing of my family background. We intend to marry as soon as her illnesses clear up. Me being white doesn't bother her at all. When I get out of the navy we will open a brothel in Brisbane and my two sisters will work there to keep it in the family. My problem is this, I want to marry this girl and bring her into the family, and I want to be completely honest with her. …....Should I tell her about my brother in law being a Kiwi?
When I was 14, I wanted a girlfriend. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I wanted a girl with a zest for life. When I was 19, I found a passionate girl, but she was too emotional, so I wanted a girl with some stability. When I was 25, I found a stable girl, but she was too boring, so I wanted a girl with some excitement. When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but she lacked direction and was too petty, so I wanted a girl with some ambition. When I was 31, I found an ambitious girl, but she was so ambitious that she married me, divorced me, and took everything I owned. Now I am 40, and all I want is a girl with big tits