A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink. He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once but I didn't like it." So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a cigarette?" But the man said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once but I didn't like it." The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son." The bartender said, "I'm guessing he's an only child
Took the Mrs to subway today, I asked the girl to make me a sandwich, she said yes no problem, i turned to the wife and said "Now, how fukin hard was that?
woooo is we ,WOOOooo is we, I wonder if he's even allowed to sleep under the porch all manner of pestilence has come upon us !!! LOL
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter's Square. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'." Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?" She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, SLIM TALL 36" 24" 36" When she walks into a room, people say, "Jeeeeesssssus!".
A Jehovah's witness knocked on my door last night. I asked him in sat him down and said. Right,what do you want to talk about? He said, fuk knows I've never got this far before !
I'd just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large chips, an ear of corn and a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and told me, 'I've not eaten for two days. 'I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.
A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime. She said 'sorry about the wait'. I said, 'don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually.
Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!
There is a fly hovering over the water and a fish is like "If that fly drops a couple inches I'm gonna get it." There is a bear on the bank saying "If the fly drops a couple inches and the fish goes for that fly I'm swiping for the fish." There is a hunter hiding on the other bank saying "If that fly drops a couple inches and the fish goes gets the fly and the bear goes and gets that fish, I am getting that bear." There is a mouse on the ground that sees the hunter has a sandwich and says "If that fly drops a couple inches, fish goes and gets the fly, bear goes and gets the fish and the hunter shoots for the bear the sandwich will fall and I'll get the sandwich." There is a cat hiding that says "If that fly drops a couple inches, the fish goes and gets the fly, the bear goes and gets the fish, the hunter shoots the bear and the mouse goes for the sandwich I am getting that mouse." Fly drops, fish jumps, bear swipes, hunter shoots, and sandwich falls! As the mouse is going for the sandwich it sees the cat and stops right before the water. The cats misjudges the jump landing in the water. Moral of the story, it only takes a fly to drop a couple inches to get a pussy wet.
An artist asked the gallery manager if anybody asked about his paintings. "Well, there’s good news and there’s bad news," said the owner. "The good one is that a gentleman liked your work and asked if its value would appreciate after your death. When I said yes, he bought all 20 of your paintings." "But that’s fantastic," whooped the artist. "What could possibly be the bad news?" "The gentleman was your doctor."
very cranky old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a her local store. She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer that took her away. She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process. When she appeared before the Magistrate, she was asked what she had stolen from the store. The lady defiantly replied, "Just a stupid can of sliced peaches." The Magistrate then asked why she had done it. She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store." The Magistrate asked how many slices were in the can. She replied in a nasty tone, "Twelve! But why do you care about that?" The Magistrate answered patiently, "Well, madam, because I'm going to give you twelve days in jail -- one day for each slice." As the Magistrate was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long-suffering husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak. The Magistrate said, "Yes sir, what do you have to add?" The husband said meekly, "Your Honour, she also stole a can of peas.
An old physician, Doctor Gordon Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured, get back $1,000." Doctor Digger Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic. Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?" Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth." Dr. Young: ‘'Aaagh! -- This is Gasoline!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500." Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money. Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything." Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't -- that is Gasoline!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500." Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!" Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, "Here's your $1000 back" (giving him a $10 bill). Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500." Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer" Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.