A friend hosted a dinner party for people from work and everyone was encouraged to bring their children. All during the sit-down dinner one co-worker's three-year-old girl stared at the man sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food from staring. The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for him. He asked her, "Excuse me little girl, but why do you keep staring at me?" Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior, and the table went quiet for her response. The little girl said, "I just want to see how you drink like a fish."
SAN FRANCISCO MAN BECOMES FIRST AMERICAN TO GRASP SIGNIFICANCE OF IRONY - Jay Fullmer, 38, yesterday became the first American to get to grips with the concept of irony. "It was weird," Fullmer said. "I was in London and, like, talking to this guy and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, "Great weather, eh?" and I thought "Wait a minute, no way is it great weather." Fullmer then realised that the other man's 'mistake' was in fact deliberate. Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3, plans to use irony himself in future. "I'm, like, using it all the time," he said. "Last weekend I was grilling steaks and I burned them to s**t and I said "Hey, great weather!".
A bloke is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn’t have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud; ‘Jeesh. I wonder what happened to this Parrot?’ The parrot says, ‘I was born this way. I’m a defective parrot’. ‘Holy s**t’, the bloke replies. ‘You actually understood and answered me!’ ‘I got every word’, says the parrot. ‘I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird.’ ‘Oh yeah?’, the bloke asks, ‘Then answer this – how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?’ ‘Well’, the parrot says, ‘this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my cock around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can’t see it because of my feathers.’ ‘Wow’ says the guy, ‘you really can understand and speak English, can’t you!’ ‘Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I’m especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I’d be a great companion.’ The bloke looks at the 200 price tag. ‘Sorry, but I just can’t afford that.’ ‘Pssssssst’ says the parrot, ‘I’m defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don’t have any feet. You can probably get me for 20, just make the guy an offer!’ The bloke offers 20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he’s interesting, he’s a great pal, he understands everything, He sympathises, and he’s insightful. The bloke is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes ‘Psssssssssssst’ and motions him over with one wing. ‘I don’t know if I should tell you this or not, but it’s about your wife and the postman.’ ‘What are you talking about?’ asks the bloke. ‘When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nighty and kissed him passionately.’ ‘WHAT???’ the bloke asks incredulously. ‘THEN what happened?’ ‘Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nighty and began petting her all over’ reported the parrot. ‘My God!’ the bloke exclaims. ‘Then what?’ ‘Then he lifted up the nighty, got down on his knees and began to lick her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down….’ ‘WELL???’ demands the frantic bloke, ‘THEN WHAT HAPPENED?’ ‘F*** knows, I got a hard-on and fell off my perch.
Three drunken women had a very late night drinking. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways. The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was the most drunk the night before. The first girl claimed that she was the drunkest, saying, “I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door I blew chunks for 10 minutes.” The second said, “You think that was drunk? Hell I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don’t even have insurance!” The third proclaimed, “Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!” The room was silent for a moment. Then, the first girl spoke out again, “Listen girls, I don’t think you understand… Chunks is my dog.”
A good friend recently become a feminist and burnt her bra. She asked me if i could see a difference, Yes i said, all the wrinkles on your face have disappeared.
On the same day that Donald Trump led the National Day of Prayer, it was confirmed that he'd paid prostitute Stormy Daniels $130,000. This could put a whole new spin on the 'second coming'.
The thought of trump blowing his load isnt something i care to think about. 130grand? thats an expensive f--k. Waxing your carrot is a lot cheaper.
Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.
Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? A: "We better get some support before someone thinks we're nuts!"
A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you." The man replies, "Boobs!"
For all the guys who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember that's where the knives are kept.
A boy asks his dad, “What’s the difference between potential and realistic?” The dad tells him to go ask the rest of his family if they’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then he’d tell him the answer. The boy goes up to his mom and asks her. She responds, “A million dollars is a lot of money sweetheart. I could send you, your sister, and your brother to great colleges, so sure, I would!” He then goes and asks his sister to which she replies, “Brad Pitt? Hell ya, he’s the hottest guy ever!” Next, the boy asks his brother who replies, “A million dollars? Hell yes I would. I’d be rich!” When the boy excitedly returns to his dad with the family’s responses, the dad says, “Well son, potentially, we have three million dollars. Realistically, we have two sluts and a queer.”
A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"