Jesus, Moses, and an old man go golfing. The first one to tee off is Moses. He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green. Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green. Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard. Jesus closes his eyes and prays. The ball skips across the water and lands on the green two feet from the hole. The old man's turn comes and he drives the ball. The ball looks like it is going to drop directly into the water. A fish jumps from the water hazard swallowing the ball, as an eagle drops from the sky, grabbing the fish. As the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, making it drop the fish. As the fish hits the green, it spits out the ball and the ball falls into the hole, making a hole in one. Jesus looks at Moses and says, "I really think I'm leaving Dad at home next time!"
One day, 3 men died and went to heaven. "Religion?" God's secretary asked the first man. "Jewish," the man replied. "Okay, go to room 23, but be very quiet when you go past room 8," the secretary said. "Religion?" he asked the second man. "Muslim." "Go to room 10, but be very quiet when you go past room 8." "Religion?" he asked the third man. "Agnostic." "Go to room 71, but be very quiet when you go past room 8." "Why must I be quiet when I go past room 8?" the man asked. The secretary replied, "Oh, the Catholics are in room 8, and they think that they are they only ones here."
"Two blokes living in the Australian outback saw a couple of jobs advertised by the Queen of England. She was looking for footmen, to walk beside her carriage. They applied and were very happy to be flown to London for an interview with Her Majesty. HM said to them: “Because my footmen must wear long white stockings, I must see your ankles to be sure they are not swollen or misshapen." After they show her their ankles, the Queen said: “It is also important that you don’t have knobby knees, so I need to see your knees too.” Once she has seen their knees, she says: “Now everything appears to be in shape, so I just need to see your testimonials.” Nine years later, when the pair are released from prison, one of the blokes said to the other: ”I reckon, if we’d just had just a bit more education, we would have got that job!”
I had a big lead in a trivia competition at the church social on Wed. night until I got the last question wrong. The question was "where do women have the curliest hair? Apparently, Fiji was the correct answer. My wife said we could never go back to that church.
A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their underpants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.' 'No, love,' he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15"
Joe asked God, "How much is a penny worth in heaven?" God replied, "$1 million." Joe asked, "How long is a minute in heaven?" God said, "One million years." Joe asked for a penny. God said, "Sure, in a minute."
The only cow in a small town in Scotland stopped giving milk. The town folk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite cheaply. They brought the cow from Wales and it was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed. The people were very upset and decided to go the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice. 'Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward,' they said. 'When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side.' 'The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, 'Did you, by chance, buy this cow in Wales?' The people were dumbfounded, since no-one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Wales. 'You are truly a wise Vet,' they said. 'How did you know we got the cow from Wales?' The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, 'My wife is from Wales.'
Written by a third grader ( year 4 - 8/9 years old) about what his grandparents do. After Christmas a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following: We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona . Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are any more. They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on. At their gate there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out and go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks. They just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night - early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center for potluck. My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded some day too. When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.
A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime. She said 'sorry about the wait.' I said, 'don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually.'
This is a little known tale of how God came to give the Jews the Ten Commandments. God first went to the Arabs and asked them if they would like a commandment. "What's a commandment?" they asked. "Well, it's like, THOU SHALT NOT KILL," replied God. The Arabs thought about it and then said, "No way, that would ruin our weekends." So then God went to the Mexicans and asked them if they would like a commandment. They also asked, "What's a commandment?" "Well," said God, "It's like, THOU SHALT NOT STEAL." The Mexicans immediately replied, "No way. That would ruin our economy." So finally God went to the Jews and asked them if they wanted a commandment. They asked, "How much?" God said, "They're free." The Jews said, "Great! We'll take TEN!"
To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity 1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down. 2. On all your cheque stubs, write ' For Marijuana' 3. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face. 4. When The Money Comes Out of the ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!' 5. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Car Park, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!' 6. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.' And last of all : 7. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS. This is .... THERAPY!
Yea, I knew there were a whole bunch, but could not remember the amount. Some can't be practiced because the 2nd Temple was destroyed, some are only practiced in Israel, some are for men, some are for women, some are common sense, etc.
The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe 2017 1. “I’m not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change” – Ken Cheng 2. “Trump’s nothing like Hitler. There’s no way he could write a book” – Frankie Boyle 3. “I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions. What’s the point?” – Alexei Sayle 4. “I’m looking for the girl next door type. I’m just gonna keep moving house till I find her” – Lew Fitz 5. “I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the ‘brella’. But he hesitated” – Andy Field 6. “Combine Harvesters. And you’ll have a really big restaurant” – Mark Simmons 7. “I’m rubbish with names. It’s not my fault, it’s a condition. There’s a name for it…” – Jimeoin 8. “I have two boys, 5 and 6. We’re no good at naming things in our house” – Ed Byrne 9. “I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died… which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine” – Olaf Falafel 10. “Whenever someone says, ‘I don’t believe in coincidences.’ I say, ‘Oh my God, me neither!”‘ – Alasdair Beckett-King 11. “A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men’s singles event” – Angela Barnes 12. “As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer” – Adele Cliff 13. “For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don’t want to do it” – Phil Wang 14. “I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark” – Adam Hess 15. “I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act” – Tim Vine The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe 2016 “My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He’s a man after my own heart” – Masai Graham “Why is it old people say “there’s no place like home”, yet when you put them in one…” – Stuart Mitchell “I’ve been happily married for four years – out of a total of 10” – Mark Watson “Apparently 1 in 3 Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit” – Mark Smith “I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn’t much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer… came second” – Will Duggan “Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated” – Tiff Stevenson “I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words” – Gary Delaney “Why is Henry’s wife covered in tooth marks? Because he’s Tudor” – Adele Cliff “Don’t you hate it when people assume you’re rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?” – Annie McGrath “Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask” – Jordan Brookes “Hillary Clinton has shown that any woman can be President, as long as your husband did it first” – Michelle Wolf “I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound” – Roger Swift “Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer” – Arthur Smith “I’ll tell you what’s unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses” – Zoe Lyons “Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word” – Phil Nicol
I have a problem with the Ten Commandments. Here it is: Why are there ten? We don't need that many. I think the list of commandments was deliberately and artificially inflated to get it up to ten. It's clearly a padded list. Here's how it happened: About five thousand years ago, a bunch of religious and political hustlers got together to figure out how they could control people and keep them in line. They knew people were basically stupid and would believe anything they were told, so these guys announced that God— God personally—had given one of them a list of Ten Commandments that he wanted everyone to follow. They claimed the whole thing took place on a mountaintop, when no one else was around. But let me ask you something: When these guys were sittin' around the tent makin' all this up, why did they pick ten? Why ten? Why not nine, or eleven? I'll tell you why. Because ten sounds important. Ten sounds official. They knew if they tried eleven, people wouldn't take them seriously. People would say, "What're you kiddin' me? The Eleven Commandments? Get the f**k outta here!" But ten! Ten sounds important. Ten is the basis for the decimal system; it's a decade. It's a psychologically satisfying number: the top ten; the ten most wanted; the ten best-dressed. So deciding on Ten Commandments was clearly a marketing decision. And it's obviously a bulls**t list. In truth, it's a politic; document, artificially inflated to sell better. I'm going to show you how you can reduce the number of commandments and come up with a list that's a bit more logical and realistic. We'll start with the first three, and I'll use the Roman Catholic version because those are the ones I was fed as a little boy. • I AM THE LORD THY GOD, THOU SHALT NOT HAVE STRANGE GODS BEFORE ME. • THOU SHALT NOT TAKE THE NAME OF THE LORD THY GOD IN VAIN. • THOU SHALT KEEP HOLY THE SABBATH. Okay, right off the bat, the first three commandments—pure bulls**t "Sabbath day," "Lord's name," "strange gods." Spooky language. Spooky language designed to scare and control primitive people. In no way does superstitious mumbo jumbo like this apply to the lives of intelligent, civilized human in the twenty-first century. You throw out the first three commandments, am you're down to seven. •HONOR THY FATHER AND MOTHER. This commandment is about obedience and respect for authority; in other words it's simply a device for controlling people. The truth is, obedience and respect should not be granted automatically. They should be earned. They should be based on the parents' performance. Some parents deserve respect. Most of them don't. Period. We're down to six. Now, in the interest of logic—something religion has a really hard time with—I'm going to skip around the list a little bit: • THOU SHALT NOT STEAL. • THOU SHALT NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS. Stealing and lying. Actually, when you think about it, these two commandments cover the same sort of behavior: dishonesty. Stealing and lying. So we don't need two of them. Instead, we combine these two and call it "Thou shalt not be dishonest." Suddenly we're down to five. And as long as we're combining commandments I have two others that belong together: • THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY. • THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR'S WIFE. Once again, these two prohibit the same sort of behavior; in this case, marital infidelity. The difference between them is that coveting takes place in the mind. And I don't think you should outlaw fantasizing about someone else's wife, otherwise what's a guy gonna think about when he's waxing his carrot? But marital fidelity is a good idea, so I suggest we keep the idea and call this commandment "Thou shalt not be unfaithful." Suddenly we're down to four. And when you think about it further, honesty and fidelity are actually parts of the same overall value. So, in truth, we could combine the two honesty commandments with the two fidelity commandments, and, using positive language instead of negative, call the whole thing "Thou shalt always be honest and faithful." And now we're down to three. •THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR'S GOODS. This one is just plain stupid. Coveting your neighbor's goods is what keeps the economy going: Your neighbor gets a vibrator that plays "O Come All Ye Faithful," you want to get one, too. Coveting creates jobs. Leave it alone. You throw out coveting and you're down to two now: the big, combined honesty/fidelity commandment, and the one we haven't mentioned yet: •THOU SHALT NOT KILL. Murder. The Fifth Commandment. But, if you give it a little thought, you realize that religion has never really had a problem with murder. Not really. More people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason. To cite a few examples, just think about Northern Ireland, the Middle East, the Crusades, the Inquisition, our own abortion-doctor killings and, yes, the World Trade Center to see how seriously religious people take Thou Shalt Not Kill. Apparently, to religious folks—especially the truly devout—murder is negotiable. It just depends on who's doing the killing and who's getting killed. And so, with all of this in mind, folks, I offer you my revised list of the Two Commandments: First: •THOU SHALT ALWAYS BE HONEST AND FAITHFUL, ESPECIALLY TO THE PROVIDER OF THY NOOKIE. And second: •THOU SHALT TRY REAL HARD NOT TO KILL ANYONE, UNLESS, OF COURSE, THEY PRAY TO A DIFFERENT INVISIBLE MAN THAN THE ONE YOU PRAY TO. Two is all you need, folks. Moses could have carried them down the hill in his pocket. And if we had a list like that, I wouldn't mind that brilliant judge in Alabama displaying it prominently in the courthouse wall. As long he included one additional commandment: •THOU SHALT KEEP THY RELIGION TO THYSELF! George Carlin.
A father came in the bedroom to find his 13-year-old daughter smoking a cigarette. "My God! How long have you been smoking?" screams the father. "Since I lost my virginity," replies the girl. "You lost your VIRGINITY!!! When the hell did this happen?" shrieks the father. "I don't remember," says the girl. "I was pissed."