A 98 year old woman wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought It amusing enough to have it published in the Times. Dear Sir, I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presentation of the Cheque, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, like you, I’ll choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/ her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows: 1-- To make an appointment to see me. 2-- To query a missing payment. 3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there. 4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. 5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. 6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home. 7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.) 8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8 9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year. Your Humble Client (Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman; DOESN'T SHE MAKE YOU PROUD!!?)
A man walks into the bar and sees a sign: Handjob: $5 Cheese sandwich: $2 He walks over to the bartender, a big boobied blonde, and asks, “Are you the one giving out handjobs?” “Why yes I am!”, she replied, smiling and sticking out her chest. “Okay,” he said. “Now wash your hands and make me a cheese sandwich!”
The Pope was having a shower. Although he's very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed to exercise the papal wrist, and this happened to be one of those occasions. Just as he reached the Papal climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy semen flying through the air. "Hold on a minute!" said the Pope, You can't do that - you'll destroy the reputation of the Church!". "This is my lottery win", said the photographer, "I'll be financially secure for life with these photos!" So, the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer, and after much negotiation, they eventually settled on a figure of $2,000,000. The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera. Along the vast Vatican hallways, he bumped into his personal housekeeper. Being a bit of a photography buff, she noticed the camera and said, "That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost you?" Not being one to lie, the Pope replied, "Two million Dollars.." "TWO MILLION Dollars!" replied the housekeeper, they must have seen you coming!!!!!
Bill Gates dies and goes to heaven, where Saint Peter gives him a nice, modern six-bedroom house with a pretty garden and a tennis court. Pleased with his lot, Bill quickly settles into the afterlife. One day he is out walking when he bumps into a man wearing a fine tailored suit. "That's really nice," says Bill. "Where did you get it?" "Actually," says the man, "I was given 50 of these, plus two mansions, a yacht, a golf course and four Rolls-Royces." "Wow, were you a pope or a doctor healing the terminally ill?" asks Bill. "No, I was the captain of the Titanic." Bill storms off to see Saint Peter. "How come the captain of a sunken ship gets all that while I, the inventor of the Windows Operating System gets a crummy little house?" he asks. Saint Peter replies, "The Titanic only crashed once."
Eight year old little JOHNNY asked his mother the age-old question: "How did I get here?" His mother told him, "God sent you." "And my cousin Matt ?" "He sent him also" said the mother . "Did God send you, too?" asked little Johnny. "Yes, dear," the mother replied. "Did God send dad, too?" asked little Johnny. "Yes, dear," the mother replied. "What about Grandma and Grandpa?" Johnny persisted. "He sent them also" the mother said. "Did He send their parents, too?" little Johnny asked. "Yes, dear, He did," said the mother patiently. " So you're telling me that there has been NO sex in this family for 200 years? No wonder everyone's so grumpy around here."
I was at my bank today waiting in a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"
An old man takes his grandson fishing in a local pond one day. After 20 minutes of fishing, the old man fires up a cigar. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" The old man asks, "Son, can your d*ck touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Then u can't have a cigar." Another 20 minutes passes, and the old man opens a beer. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" The old man asks, "Son, can your d*ck touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Well, then u can't have a beer." Another 20 minutes passes, and the young boy opens a bag of potato chips. The old man asks, "Son, can I have some of your chips?" The boy asks, "Well, Grandpa, can your d*ck touch your asshole?" The old man says, "It sure can." The boy says, "Well good, then go f*ck yourself, these are my chips."
Mexico doesn't win Olympic medals because all the best runners, jumpers, and swimmers are in America.
I walked into Subway and said to the cashier, “I’ve just bought a sandwich from you, I took one bite and 2 teeth fell out.” “Maybe you bit down too hard?” she replied. I said “They’re not my teeth....”
What would you like?” says the barman. “What would I like?” says Bob. “A bigger house, more money and a more attractive wife.” “No,” says the barman, patiently. “I meant what do you want?” “To win the lottery, for my mother-in-law to die and for my child to be born healthy!” “What’s it to be?” says the barman, less patiently. A boy or a girl, I don’t care. You misunderstand me, says the barman, impatiently, I only asked what you want to drink. Oh, says Bob, I see. Why didn’t you say so? What have you got? .....Nothing at all, says the barman. I’m perfectly healthy.
'Tell me, Ronan, how did you manage to get so very drunk last night?' asked the parish priest. 'Well you see, Father, it was like this. I got into very bad company after winning a bottle of whiskey at a raffle.' 'But you were with Mick McGahey, Ryan O'Toole, and Patrick McCann and they don't drink.' 'Dat's what I mean, Father...'
Donncha Cleary walked into a bar in Dublin and asked the barman if he had heard the latest Kerryman joke. 'I'm warning you,' said the barman, 'That I come from Tralee in Kerry meself.' 'Dat's alright,' said Donncha, 'I'll tell it slowly.'
A Jewish man, a Catholic man, and a Mormon man, were having drinks at the bar following a business meeting. The Jewish man, bragging about his virility, said, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team!" The Catholic man pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons. One more and I'll have a football team." To which the Mormon man replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!"
At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day. The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?" All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat. When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years. They fished for a while and continued on down the river when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady, "Up or down?" There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day. She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in the river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down?" The woman replied, "Down." A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up or down?" She replied, "Up." This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "what's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!" She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were, 'F**k or Drown'."
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turned to the other and said: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?' Slim said, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.''Really!? Like a newborn baby?' 'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
Two senior citizens are pushing their carts around Walmart, looking left and right, when they collidehead-on. The first guy says to the second guy,"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The second old guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?" "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?" "She can wait. Let's look for yours."
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
The Blonde and the Bodybuilder A 21 year old blonde girl met a large, powerfully built bodybuilder at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. The body builder takes off his shirt, and while doing so, he exclaims, “Boom!” The blonde says, “What a great chest you have!” He tells her, “That’s 100 lbs of dynamite, baby!” He then rips off his pants, once again yelling, “Boom!” The blonde is impressed and says, “My, what massive calves you have!” The body builder tells her, “That’s 100 lbs of dynamite, baby.” He then rips off his underwear, and exclaims “Boom!” The blonde goes running out of the apartment, screaming in fear. The bodybuilder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that. The blonde replies, “I didn’t want to be around all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was!”
Kids in a class just come back from summer holidays. Teacher had asked them all to write an essay about what they got up to. She goes around the class. Jenny says" Mummy and Daddy took me to a horse riding school for a week" Rupert says" Mama and Papa took me to the south of France on our yacht" Little Johnny at the back" I went down the park and shoved bangers up frogs arses" Teacher corrects Johnny " Rectum Johnny" Johnny says " Recked em? it blew the little buggers to kingdom come!!"