When Noah reached land, he threw open the ark doors and said, "Go forth and multiply".When all the animals cleared out, only a pair of confused looking snakes remained."Didn't you hear me? Go forth and multiply!" Said Noah, annoyed."We can't" replied one of the snakes. "We're adders".
I have a little Satnav, it sits there in my car. A Satnav is a driver's friend it tells you where you are. I have a little Satnav, i've had it all my life. It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife. It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive "It's sixty miles an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five". It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake. It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene. It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear. And taking this into account, it specifies my gear. I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device. For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice. It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught. So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort? Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed. It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed! Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff, I only wish that now and then, I could turn the f**ker off.
Yorkshire Constabulary have had all of their sat navs stolen. A spokesman said that they are searching for Leeds. Went on holiday to Oz recently, and got a hire car with a sat nav. Don’t think much of it, though, it just keeps telling me to follow the yellow brick road. Got stuck in traffic for so long the other day that even the sat nav said “Are we nearly there yet?” I spilt a jar of Vanish on my sat nav. Now I can’t find Staines anywhere. Saw someone driving with a crocodile reading a map in the passenger seat. I asked what was going on, he said “That’s my Navi Gator”. Bought a sat nav from Bono. It’s rubbish. All the streets have no name. I still haven’t found what I’m looking for. Got a sat nav from Bonnie Tyler. It just keeps telling me to turn around, and every now and then it falls apart. Got a Bon Jovi sat nav. Apparently we’re half way there. I just bought the new Fleetwood Mac GPS. It’s utter rubbish. It just says “you can go your own way”.
Fear of falling I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did... ...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...
Q: Whats the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan? A: Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke! Q: What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? A: Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game! Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a bottle of Jack Daniels? A: A guy will actually SEARCH for a bottle of Jack Daniels.
My sister died yesterday after getting hit by a bus. I called out to warn her but she just ignored me. RIP Yanny x
A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit, came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, "What would you like, sir? "He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie. " The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again. "What would you like, sir? "Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "a quickie, please." This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away. A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."
My mother in law came round my house and looked at the wall. "Urgh! What is that disgusting thing? modern art?" she cried. "No dear, it's a mirror."
The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks, -“Why in the world are you dressed like this?” The Cowboy says, -“Well, it’s like this Sheriff… I was at the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her… so I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt… so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants… so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts… so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, -‘Now go to town cowboy…’ And here I am.”
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son... "Go get your mother"
SEX IN THE DARK A couple has been married for 20 years. Every time they make love, the husband always insists on shutting off the light. After 20 years the wife feels that this is ridiculous. She figures she will break him of his crazy habit. One night, while they are in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turns on the lights. She looks down and sees her husband holding a battery-operated leisure device: A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one... She goes completely ballistic. “You impotent bastard,” she screams at him, “How could you be lying to me all these years? You better explain yourself!” The husband looks her straight in the eyes and states calmly, “I'll explain the toy. You explain the kids.”
An Irishman's wife calls the doctor, stating that her husband has taken ill. The doctor asks if she had taken his temperature; she replied that she hadn't but would and then call back. When she hadn't called within a half hour, the doctor called and asked her what had happened. She said, "Well, I didn't have a thermometer, so I put a barometer on his chest and it said dry, so I gave him a pint and he went off to work!"
I picked up a hitchhiker yesterday. He said “thanks for picking me up but how do you know I’m not a serial killer?” I replied “the odds of two serial killer’s being in the same car are statistically astronomical”.
A foursome of guys was waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women was hitting off from the women's tee. The ladies were not rushing and definitely were taking their time. When the final lady was ready to hit her ball, she hacked it ten feet. Then she went over and whiffed it completely. She then whacked it another ten feet and finally hacked it ahead another few feet. She looked back at the patiently waiting men and said apologetically, "I guess all those fuking lessons I took over the winter really didn't help." One of the men responded, "Well, there you have it. You should probably have taken golf lessons instead!"