Two aliens landed in the West Texas desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it. "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. There was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!" The other alien shouted to his comrade "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 1200 feet into the desert, where they landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?" The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy ... any guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, is someone you shouldn't mess with."
A man gets his new prescription for Viagra, and starts home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and she says, "I'll be home in an hour." "Perfect," he thinks. The Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before, so he takes the Viagra and waits. Well, an hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife... She calls him on the cell phone and says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour." The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "I'm ready and my wife won't be home for another hour! What should I do?" he asks. The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?" "Yes" the man replied. "Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor. The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper!!
A man takes his wife out for the evening. They stop in a pub for a nightcap. He gets up and heads for the loo. A few minutes later, he comes back and finds his wife crying. So he asks her what happened. She says "See that drunk over there?...He said he wants to fill my vagina with ice cream and eat it with a spoon!". The man shrugs. She says "Well!?! Aren't you going to do anything about it?" He says "Nahhh. Anybody who can eat that much ice cream is alright in my book.". :badabump:
Our housekeeper asked for a pay increase. My wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her About the raise. She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a Pay increase?' Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.' The first is that I iron better than you.' Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?' Maria: 'Your husband said so.' Wife: 'Oh.' Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.' Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?' Maria: 'Your husband did.' Wife: 'Oh.' Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..' Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?' Maria: 'No Señora...the gardener did.' Wife: 'So how much do you want?'
Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park. Johnny asked, "Grandpa are you going to take that new Viagra?" Grandpa looks at him and says, "No Johnny, I will not." "But Grandpa, why?" asks little Johnny. Grandpa replies, "Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one to write to.
In a recent online survey, 90% of men admitted to masturbating regularly..... The other 10% admitted they hit the wrong button with their left hand!