I overheard my wife on the phone to her friend last night. "I can't wait for next weekend"... She whispered, "We're gonna try all sorts of new positions, and I'm gonna do everything he asks.... "It would have been a lovely surprise, but she needs to start checking the calendar, because I'm working away that weekend"....!!!
CALLER: Is this Gordon’s Pizza? GOOGLE: No sir, it’s Google Pizza. CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry. GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month. CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza. GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir? CALLER: My usual? You know me? GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust. CALLER: OK! That’s what I want … GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust? CALLER: What? I detest vegetables!. GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir. CALLER: How the Bleep do you know? GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years. CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol. GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago. CALLER: I bought more from another drugstore. GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement. CALLER: I paid in cash. GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement. CALLER: I have other sources of cash. GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law. CALLER: WHAT THE Bleep!!! GOOGLE: I’m sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you. CALLER: Enough already! I’m sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I’m going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me. GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago…
This girl walked up to a fat guy in a night club last night and said "you must be the best looking bloke in this place!" "Why thank you… what makes you say that?" he asked with a gleaming smile. "12 bottles of Corona, 7 sambucca shots and 3 lines of coke," She replied!
Jack and Joe were in London. It was Joe's first visit and Jack had a bit of business to do so he said he would meet Joe in the hotel bar. The barman being a clever sod asked Joe what he would like to drink. Joe said he would have a Gin. The barman said they had three types of Gin. Oxygin, Hydrogin or Sanatogin.Joe was shocked. When Jack returned Joe told him what the barman had said. Jack went to the bar and the barman asked what he would like to drink. Joe replied " I will have a turd" The barman said he had never heard of that drink. Jack said "There are three types of turd, Custurd, Musturd and you you big s**t"
A teacher in class was doing a lecture on morals. She asked the class do anyone know a tale with a moral. It went very quite until little Jonny at the back of the class shot his arm up Miss, I do. She was very apprehensive, please tell.us about your tale with a moral. In WW1 my Grandad was in the trenches waiting for the order to go over the top for a massive offensive. My Grandma had sent him a bottle of whisky prior, but he didn't know what to do, drink half and save half for his return, or drink the bottle in case he didn't return, After much thought he drank the lot. He went over the top, single handed he knocked out three machine gun nests, killed twenty Germans and captured fifty prisoners. Well said the teacher a fantastic tale, but where is the moral? Don't fuk with Grandad when he is pissed.
As a court clerk, I am well-versed in the jury-selection process. First a computer randomly selects a few hundred citizens from the entire county to report for jury duty on a particular day. Then another computer assigns 40 of those present to a courtroom. Then the 40 names are placed in a drum, and a dozen names are pulled. During jury selection for one trial, the judge asked potential Juror No. 12 if there was any reason he could not be a fair and impartial juror. "There may be," he replied. "Juror No. 1 is my ex-wife, and if we were on the same jury, I guarantee we would not be able to agree on anything." Both were excused.
I have two conditions in my will... 1) I want my remains spread around Disney World 2) I do not want to be cremated
An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is couple sex? The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities that go along with it. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey? The little girl replied, "Well, Grandma says to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.
Dear Tech Support... Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend. In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programmes, such as Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs such as Rugby, Football, Sailing and Continuous TV. Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? Signed, Desperate .................................................. ................................................. Dear Desperate, First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband is an Operating System. Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears. Don't forget to install the Guilt update. If that application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewelry and Flowers, but remember - overuse of the above application can cause Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer. Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband. In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. It also tends to work better running one task at a time. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie. Good Luck, Tech Support
A little girl goes to a pet shop and asks "Excuthe me do you have any widdle wabbits?" The shop keepers heart melts. He gets down on his knees so that he is on her level and says, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy, bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown one over there..?" The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers . . . "I dont wealy fink my pyfon gives a phuc!!.
Paddy and Seamus,in a boarding house in London. Writing letters home. Paddy stops writing and says.... "Hey, Seamus, how do you spell "dattle"? "Jaysus, sure I've never even heard that word before, how would ya use it in a sentence?" "I said...dear Ma, please send a wooly jumper dattle fit me" Seamus just about pisses himself laughing and when he finally calms down he says... "it's eejits like you that get the Irish a bad name....there's no such word as dattle, ya feckin gobs**te...the word ye want is ...wattle."
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?" "Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?" "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble." "I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went. Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. "What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!" "Yes, I know you did," said the blonde. "But we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World." You know you're going to forward this.
A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf. The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said "s**t, I missed." The good Sister told him to watch his language. On his next swing, he missed again. "s**t, I missed." "Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the nun said tartly. The priest promised to do better and the round continued. On the 4th tee, he missed again. The usual comment followed. Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that!" On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. "s**t, I missed." A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks. And from the sky comes a booming voice . "s**t, I missed."
For years I have been living the life of Riley. Sadly for me Riley has just discovered his credit cards are missing..