A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do?" "In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush." The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush." "So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped. "The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"
Its horrible being an egg. You only get laid once and the only woman to sit on your face is your mother.
A man is poaching turtles to sell to the local restaurants, when a police man catches him . The cop says "it's illegal to poach turtles out of this river, they’re an endangered species”? The man says to the officer, “no this is my pet turtle. I bring him down here everyday and let him go for a swim. He swims across the river and back”. “Bulls**t” the officer replies. So the man places the turtle in the water and says “watch this”. The turtle swims out and the two men are standing there waiting. Ten minutes goes past and the officer says “well where’s the turtle?”. The man replies ...“what turtle”?
At a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace. The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child. She started walking toward the pastor slowly. Everything quickly turned to chaos. The bride slapped the groom. The groom's mother fainted. The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation. The pastor asked the woman, "Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?" The woman replied, "We can't hear in the back."
Tv licensing guys came to my door and asked to see my license. I told them I didn't have a tv, Guy said to me, "You have an aerial on your roof though," I said, "f**k sake mate, I've got milk in my fridge, but it doesn't mean I have a cow out back!"
It's good that the wind did not blow from the west when the German national team returned so the laugh from Holland was not that loud. Kroosartig... What does a Dutchman do after his country has won the football World Cup? He turns off the PS4 and goes to bed! The devil goes to Petrus and asks: "I'm so bored, do we want to organize a football game, heaven against hell?" "Okay," says Petrus, "but you know, hopefully: We have all the good football players in heaven!" There grins the devil: "Never mind, we all have referees!" "What's your dog's name?", The footballer asks the referee. "But why, I do not have a dog!" "Oh, that's unfortunate, blind and no dog!"
Usain Bolt walks into a sperm donor bank in London... "I'd like to donate some sperm" he says to the receptionist. "Certainly Sir" replies the receptionist, "Have you donated before?". "Yes" replies Usain "You should have my details on your computer". "Oh yes, I've found your details" says the receptionist "But I see you're going to need help. Shall I call your girlfriend for you?" "Why do I need help?" asks Usain . The receptionist replies "Well, it says on your record that you're a useless wanker...."
The scene is set, the night is cold, the campfire is burning and the stars twinkle in the dark night sky... Three hang-glider pilots, one from Australia, one from South Africa and the other from New Zealand, are sitting round a campfire near Ayers Rock, each embroiled with the bravado for which they are famous. A night of tall tales begins.... Kiven, the kiwi says, "I must be the meanest, toughest heng glider dude there us. Why, just the other day, I linded in a field and scared a crocodile thet got loose from the swamp. Et ate sux men before I wrestled ut to the ground weth my bare hends end beat ut's bliddy 'ed un. Jerry from South Africa typically can't stand to be bettered. "Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight on a tiny treck, ind a fifteen foot Namibian desert snike slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grebbed thet borsted with my bare hinds and tore it's head orf ind sucked the poison down in one gulp. Ind I'm still here today". Barry the Aussie remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.
My son asked me what a dilemma was. "Imagine you're naked and in a big bed" I explained, "A beautiful woman on one side and a gay man on the other... Who you going to turn your back on?"
Bill was finally a groom and was very excited about his upcoming marriage. He was on his way out of the office when his boss came over to him with an outstretched hand "congratulations Bill, I just wanted to tell you I've been married for 22 years, and I am sure that you will always remember this day with the fondest of memories, as the happiest day of your life". "But sir", said Bill, a little confused, I'm not getting married until tomorrow. "Yeah I know" said the boss
Little Johnny jumps on a bus & sits behind the driver. Johnny starts chanting at the top of his voice ''If my Mum was a cow & my Dad was a bull then I'd be a calf...if my Mum was a ewe & my Dad was a ram, then I'd be a lamb...if my Mum was a mare & my Dad was a stallion then I'd be a foal The driver was getting pissed off and said to Johnny ''And if your Mum was a whore and your Dad was a wanker then what would you be?" Johnny replied , ''A bus driver''