Dear Diedre, When I was 18 and had an erection I couldn't hold it down with two hands. Now I am 64 I can hold it down with two fingers. Does this mean that I am getting stronger?
A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns round and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk answers, "Yes, I am". So, the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks him, "Brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus". The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?" The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus". By this time the preacher is at his wit's end and dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds. When he begins kicking his feet and waving his hands the preacher pulls him up and again asks, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?" The drunk wipes his eyes, catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where He fell in?"
Paddy says to Murphy "My mate came off his motorbike today." "Oh really?" Says Murphy. "Yes" Paddy answers. "He has brain damage, 2 broken arms and is blind in one eye!" Murphy says, "Bloody hell, no wonder he came off!"
No exit An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess; the route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up, wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
After 3 years, the wife starts to think... ...that their child looks different, so she decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the child is actually from completely different parents. Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you Husband: What’s up? Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our child. Husband: Well don’t you remember? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had a wet diaper and you said, “Honey, go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here.”
A woman walks into a tattoo parlour and asks, "Do you do custom work?" "Why of course!" "Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh." "No problem," says the artist. "Strip from the waist down and get up on the table." After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes. The woman sits up and examines the tattoos. "That doesn't look like them!" she complains loudly. "Oh yes it does," the artist says indignantly, "and I can prove it." With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find; it happens to be the town drunk. "Well, what do you think?" the woman asks, spreading her legs. "Do you know who these men are?" The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says. "I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson!"
A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the Fourth time. "How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?" "He ate poisonous mushrooms and died." "Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?" "He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died." "Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband." "He died of a broken neck." "A broken neck?" "He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."
So God and Jesus are chilling in Heaven and God says to Jesus, "Why don't you take a vacation on earth?" So Jesus goes to earth next to a Highway. a trucker sees him walking and gives him a lift. about a mile down the road the trucker, not knowing who is riding with him says, "Would you like a bottle of water?" Jesus says yes and they both enjoy the bottled water. Few more miles down the road the trucker ask "Want some fish on rye? My wife made it and its delicious." Jesus says sure they both eat the fish and Jesus says "That's some real good fish" Few more miles down the road the trucker turns to Jesus and says "You want to smoke a joint?" Jesus says "Sure I'm on vacation" So they both light up the joint. Jesus turns to the trucker and says "You don't know who I am do you?" the trucker of course says no. Which Jesus Replied, "I'm Jesus Christ, The only son of God" the trucker chuckled and said "That's some good s**t ain't it?"
On their first date, Joe took Rose to the carnival. When he asked her what she wanted to do first, Rose replied, "Get weighed." So Joe took her to the man with the scale who guesses people's weight. He looked at Rose and said, "One hundred and twenty pounds." Since Rose weighed in at one seventeen, she collected a prize. Next they went on the roller coaster. When the ride was finished, Joe asked Rose what she wanted to do next. "Get weighed," she said. So they went back to the man with the scale, who of course guessed Rose's weight correctly. Leaving without a prize, they went for a ride on the merry-go-round. After they got off, Joe asked Rose what she wanted to do next. "I want to get weighed!" she said again. Joe began to think this girl was quite strange, and decided to end the evening quickly. He left her at the door with a quick handshake. Rose's roommate was waiting up for her to return and asked how the evening went. "Wousy!" Rose replied
After a six-hour conference, an executive checked back into his hotel. He said to the receptionist, “I'm going to my room to shower and rest up for a while. If one of your female staff would be interested in keeping me company tonight, I'd make it well worth her while.” He was quite a good-looking bloke so, after about an hour, the receptionist - being off-duty by this time - went up to his room. His door was open slightly and he was lying on the bed, naked. She peeked through the crack and had a look at him. He was well-built but his lad seemed to be a bit on the small side...in fact, it even had the word “Little” tattooed on it. She went back downstairs and had a word with one of the chambermaids, who was definitely up for a bit of extra money. The following morning the receptionist was on duty again when the chambermaid came down the stairs. She looked absolutely wrecked – her hair was all over the place, her mascara was a mess, her skirt was on back-to-front and her lipstick was non-existent. “Well, Linda, how did your night go?” The chambermaid replied, “Oh, my God, I've just had the most incredible night of sex in my entire life!...and you should have seen his tattoo – it said, “Little Rock Junior Chamber of Commerce Executive Vice-President.”
A little girl complained to her father, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister!" Trying to be funny, her father joked, "But honey, you already have a sister!" Confused, the toddler asked, "I do?" "Sure," her dad said, pulling the kid's chain. "You don't see her because every time you come in the front door, she scoots out the back door!" The confused toddler thought for a moment and then beamed... "You mean just like my other daddy!"
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu... Tourist: $ 5.00 Broiled Missionary: $10.00 Fried Explorer: $15.00 Baked LIBERAL, Grilled CONSERVATIVE or Sauteed NDP: $100.00 The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a high price for the Politicians?" The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of s**t, it takes all morning
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed. He had been counting the years off on his calender, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow." "I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face." When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!"
Mother in law says to her daughter in law "I dont mean to offend you but my grandson looks nothing like my son" daughter in law replies "I've a fanny between my legs not a f**kin photocopier!!!!!!!!!!!
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" And God saw that it was good. On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?" And God, again saw that it was good. On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed that it was good. On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay? " "Okay," said God, "You asked for it . " So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me, I will be on the front porch!
The Russian maid asked for a pay rise. The wife was inclined to refuse but decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked, "Now Anna; why do you want more pay?" Anna: "Well, Ma'am, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze. The first reason is that I am cleaning better than you." Wife: "Who said you are cleaning better than me?" Anna: "Your husband he say so." Wife: "Really?" Anna: "The second reason is that I am better cook than you." Wife: "Don't talk nonsense !, Who said you were a better cook than me?" Anna: "Your husband said." Wife increasingly angered: "Oh he did, did he?" Anna: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed." Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, "And did my husband say that as well?" Anna: "No Ma'am, the gardener did." Wife: "So how much do you want?"
Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy", I call my dog "Sex". Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to get his license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said, "Id like to have one too." Then I said, "But you don't understand this is a dog." He said I didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was 9 years old." He said I must have been quite a kid. When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The Clerk said "Me too." One day I entered Sex in a contest but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold tickets. "But you don't understand", I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on television." He called me a show-off. When my wife and I separated, we went to court to file for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I got married." The judge said "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex had left me. He said, "Me too." Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked "What are you doing in this alley at 4 in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex..." My court date has been set for next Friday....
When my neighbours lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, his wife kept hinting to him that he should get it fixed. But, somehow he always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to him! Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When he arrived home one day, he found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. he watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. He was gone only a minute, and when he came out again He handed her a toothbrush. He said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say he will walk again, but he will always have a limp.
due to a power outage, the house was very dark so the paramedic asked kathleen, a 5 year old girl to hold a flashlight high over mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby .. little connor was born. the paramedic lifted by his feet and spanked him on his bottom and he began crying. the paramedic then asked the wide eyed 5 year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed . she quickley responded "he shouldnt have crawled in there in the first place" spank him again !