A guy walks into a bar looking real down in the dumps. The bartender notices this and asks the guy what is wrong. "My wife told me if I ever come home drunk again, she was going to divorce me." The bartender tells the guy he has nothing to worry about, it was probably just a threat. The guy agrees with the bartender and proceeds to get drunk. After more shots of rum and tequila than he can count, the man is sitting with his face down at the bar and pukes all over his shirt. after realizing what he had done, the man starts to panic. "What am I going to do? My wife is going to kick me out of the house and take everything I've got." The bartender calms him down and tells him to stick a $20 bill in his shirt pocket and tell his wife it was some other drunk who puked all over him and he gave him the twenty to cover the shirt. After a couple cups of coffee the guy drives home to find his wife packing her bags. He starts to explain what happened to his shirt and he pulls out two $20 bills to show his wife. Wondering why the man gave her husband $40, the wife asks, "What's the other $20 bill for?" the husband replies, "he s**t in my pants too."
The Pope is having some work done in the vatican. As he is passing one of the carpenters hits his thumb with a hammer "f**king Hell!" he cries. The pope is horrified and tells the carpenter "My son, this is the house of God, such profanities are not appropriate here. If you have hurt yourself in some way you should offer your prayer to our lord Jesus and he will give you relief from your suffering" Next day as the Pope is passing the same carpenter chops off his fingers with a saw. "Oh my God! Sweet Jesus help me now!" says the carpenter. With that the fingers levitate themselves and re-attach themselves to the poor carpenter's hand, all the blood disappears and the carpenter wiggles his fingers,... . . . . "f**king Hell" says the pope.
A man came up to me in a bar yesterday and showed me a photograph of his wife. "Isn't she just stunning?" the man said to me. I told him that if he thought she was stunning, he ought see my wife. The man said "I she a stunner too?" I said " no ........she's an optician"
A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before". So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the f**k is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago!!..
Mr. Dickson, the science teacher, asked his 4th graders one day if anyone knew how to put 2 holes into 1 hole. Since no one was able to answer the question, he told the kids to go home and ask their fathers.They came back the next day and still no one knew the answer. "Look," said Mr. Dickson while holding his index finger against his thumb, forming a little "zero." "This is one hole, my nose has 2 holes, and I can put my hand over my nose and make my nose holes appear inside this other hole.""Aaaaaaahhhhhh," said the children. The next day, Little Johnny stood up and said, "Mr. Dickson,my daddy wants to know if you know how to put 7 holes in 1 hole. "Hmmmm," he thought, "How can you put 7 holes in 1? Well, I'll be darned; I don't know how to do that. Um, did your father tell you how to?" Yes," said Little Johnny, "You take a flute and shove it up your ass!"
As the doctor went through my notes, he said, "The surgery has risks. You will almost certainly regain the sight in your eyes but there is a chance it will affect your ability to maintain an erection." I said, "How come?" He said, "Well ... your wife is very ugly."
A guy asks his neighbour on the landing of his tenement building: “Mr Smith, you live directly above me and you have the same 2-room flat as I do. How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy when you moved in? “We got 18 rolls,” answers the neighbor. Two werks later the guy meets his neighbour again and says, “It’s really funny – I put the wallpaper on everywhere and I still had 10 rolls left over.” Neighbor smiles, “Yeah, so did I !!"
They say that the average man ejaculates at 20mph. I'm clearly not average then... My new girlfriend has been with a lot of guys and according to her, I definitely cum much quicker than all of them!
Fore! A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! "Help me, dear," she groans to her husband. The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt. His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying here and you're putting?" "Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you. "Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly. "No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through." ______________________________ A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular; your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?" Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered." ___________________________ A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3, the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?" The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?" The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray." The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards. The young man says, "I don't know about you, father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down." ___________________________ Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 3-iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?" "Yes" says the woman. "Did you hit him with that golf club?" "Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face. "How many times did you hit him?" "I don't know -- put me down for five." ___________________________ A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between 2 trees he thought he could hit through Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him. As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?" The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I? ___________________________ The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side. She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?" He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?
Paddy said to Mick, "Do you know Mick, my son's teacher had the cheek to tell me that my son isn't very bright?" Mick replied, "So what did you do then, Paddy?" Paddy said, "I bought him a UV fluro vest."
An African, an Arab and Nigel Farage are in the same bar. When the African finishes his beer he throws his glass in the air pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Africa our glasses are given to us by the Red Cross Aid so we don't need to drink with the same one twice.' The Arab, obviously impressed by this drinks non-alcohol beer (cuz he's a Muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.' Nigel, cool as a cucumber picks up his beer downs it in one gulp throws the glass into the air whips out a 45, and shoots the African and the Arab. Catching his glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill he says, 'In England, we have so many illegal immigrants that we don't have to drink with the same f**kers twice.'