Women are crazy and men are stupid and the reason women are crazy is because men are stupid. George Carlin.
Mary, a shy virgin was discussing her worries about her up-coming marriage to Paddy, with the parish priest. “He dropped his trousers last night Father, he has a thing between his legs that I never saw the likes of before.” “Sure that’s only his penis Mary.” “But father there’s a purple knob on it.” “That’s just the head of the penis Mary.” “Yeah, but then Father, about 16 inches back from the purple knob there’s two big round things. What are they Father?” “Well for your sake Mary, I hope they’re the cheeks of his arse.”
Daughter to Dad TEXTING Communication in Today's Generation Daddy, I am coming home to get married, soon. Get out your check book. LOL I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in Australia , and he lives in Scotland . We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Skype, and now we've had two months of relationship through Viber. My beloved and favorite Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding." Lots of love and thanks, Your favorite daughter, Lilly Dad's reply ....also texting My Dear Lilly: Like Wow! Really? Cool! Whatever....., I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through Paypal. And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on Ebay.
A priest calls the police because a dead pig lies in front of the church. The police arrive and one of the officers sarcastically remarks “I thought that priests took care of the dead?” The priest answers “You’re right about that, but we always notify the family first.”
It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one: Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.
2 old ladies on the beach, a streaker went past, 1 had a stroke and the other couldnt reach. Bernard Manning.
A farmer walks up to an outhouse and finds a man fishing around in the hole with a long stick. The farmer asks what the man is doing and the man replies, "I dropped my jacket down there and I;m trying to get it back." The farmer says, "Are you crazy? Are you really gonna wear the jacket after it's been down there?" The Man says, "Oh, no way! But there's a sandwich in one of the pockets."
The Romantic Husband An older couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their phones. The wife, being a romantic, decided one day that she would send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend. She texted: If you are sleeping, send me your dreams, If you are laughing, send me your smile, If you are eating, send me a bite, If you are drinking, send me a sip, If you are crying, send me your tears, I love you. The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back: I'm on the toilet. Please advise
A young woman walks into a prestige car sales room. Looks around at all the Porsches, Lamborghini's, Jags etc., and says to the salesman. "Can I have the red one?" - a top of the range Porsche. "I'll pay cash!" and starts taking handfuls of cash out of a carrier bag until she gets to the right price. The deal is finalised very quickly and the girl drives it away. She is back 2 days later, "I want my money back... it smell awfully bad when I use the brakes," she states emphatically. Not wanting to lose the sale (having taken cash and fiddled the books) the manager decides to ride in the car with her... in case she is not driving it properly. He gets in and she roars out of the dealership, drops it into second gear at 55 mph, floors the pedal again and slips into 3rd at 80mph does a handbrake turn into a country lane and then really starts to accelerate. 120mph into 4th gear; 5th at 145mph. The engine is screaming, trying to leap out of the bonnet when it reaches 170mph. The scenery is a green blur the G-force has him pinned in the seat. In the distance, to his relief, the barriers of a level crossing are beginning to come down and she will have to slow down (he thinks!) instead the pitch of the engine increases. 100 yards from the crossing she slams on the brakes and the car stops inches from the barrier. "Can you smell it?" she says. "SMELL IT? I'M SITTING IN IT!"
Baseball: Two ninety year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives. It seems that Sam is dying of cancer, and Moe comes to visit him every day. "Sam," says Moe, “You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives, and how we played minor league ball together for so many years. Sam, you have to do me one favor. When you get to Heaven, and I know you will go to Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if there's baseball in Heaven." Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed, and says, "Moe, you've been my best friend many years. This favor, if it is at all possible, I'll do for you." And shortly after that, Sam passes on. It is midnight a couple of nights later. Moe is sound asleep when he is awakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calls out to him, "Moe.... Moe...." "Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Moe, it's me, Sam." "Come on. You're not Sam. Sam just died." "I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!" "Sam? Is that you? Where are you?" "I'm in heaven," says Sam, “and I've got to tell you, I've got really good news and a little bad news." "So, tell me the good news first," says Moe. "The good news," says Sam “is that there is baseball in heaven. Better yet, all our old buddies who've gone before us are there. Better yet, we're all young men again. Better yet, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired!" "Really?" says Moe, “That is fantastic, wonderful beyond my wildest dreams! But, what's the bad news?" "You're pitching next Tuesday."
BLONDES A young ventriloquist is touring the country and, one night, he’s doing a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his customary dumb-blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. It's people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only Blondes, but women in general . . . pathetically, all in the name of humor!" When the embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, the blonde shouts . . . "You stay out of this. I'm talking to that little s*** on your lap."
A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out..... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house. The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half and hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all. The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid-air flips, and leaped high in the air. She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!" The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. 'HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"