A bloke's wife is expecting, so he takes her to the hospital. She's put in the labor ward, but the doc says 'You might as well go home. Ring up every couple of hours to see if anything's happening'. The bloke has a better idea - he goes to the pub. He gets stuck in to the booze, and calls the hospital every 2 hours. Still nothing to report. Many, many drinks later he's so sozzled he can't see to dial, and accidentally calls the local cricket club by mistake. In a slurred voice 'any, hic, news'. 'Yes mate. All 10 are out, and the last one was a duck'.
She Had It Coming Two couples are playing cards. John accidentally drops some cards on the floor. When he bends down under the table to pick them up, he notices that Bill’s wife isn’t wearing any underwear. Later, John goes into the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill’s wife follows him and asks, “Did you see anything that you liked under there?” John admits that he did. She says, “You can have it, but it will cost you $100.” They decide that John should come to her house around 2 P.M. on Friday while Bill is at work. On Friday, John arrives at 2 p.m. He pays Bill’s wife $100. They go to the bedroom, have sex and then John leaves. When Bill comes home at 6 P.M., he asks his wife, “Did John come by this afternoon?” Reluctantly, she replies, “Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes.” Next Bill asks, “Did he give you $100?” “Oh hell, he knows!” she thinks to herself. Finally, she admits, “Well, yes, he did give me $100.” “Good,” Bill says. “John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back
My wife left me... and I don't understand After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses - I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends. Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day when she came home from grocery shopping, the receipt included $45 for make-up. I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!" She said, "I buy that make-up for you, so I can look pretty for you." I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!" I don't think she'll be back.
The Bus Ride Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana. The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level. The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!' One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered... 'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!?!'
On his 80th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction. The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man. The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned‘This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: ‘1-2-3.’ When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want.’ The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked: “How do I stop the medicine from working?” “Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,’ he responded, “but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”� He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: “1-2-3’. Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and asked: “What was the 1-2-3 for?’� And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up.As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. 'Wow, this is great,' he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass. "Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?" "Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. I tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?" "You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there, "he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it." Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning shagging his little heart out until, completely spent, he staggered back over to the guys. "That was fantastic," he panted. "So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here." "I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette!!..
Can Cold Water Clean Dishes A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded rural area of the state he lived in. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film -- like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather...."are these plates clean?" His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal". That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes..... so he ask again, "Are you sure these plates are clean"? Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, "I told you before; those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them! Now don't ask me about it anymore!" Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town. As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass so he said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out." Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV his grandfather shouted, "COLDWATER, Go lay down!"
Frank the farmer Frank the farmer had a nagging wife She made his life miserable. The only real peace he got was when he was out in the field ploughing. One day while in the field, Frank's wife brought him his lunch. Then while he quietly ate she berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Frank's old donkey kicked up his back legs, struck her in the head killing her instantly. At the funeral, the Priest noticed that when the women offered their sympathy, Frank would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side. After the mourners left, the Priest approached Frank and asked, "Why did you nod your head up and down to all the women and shook from side to side to all the men?" Well, Frank replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. And all the men asked, "Is that donkey for sale?”
Barry Chuckle, one half of the comedy duo the Chuckle Brothers, has died aged 73. Its the 1st time they have made me laugh
Three bodies turn up at mortuary all with smiles on their faces cop asks coroner why are they all smiling coroner says 1st guy died of heart attack after making love with his his lover hence the smile 2nd guy won the lottery and died of alcohol poisoning hence the smile 3rd guy paddy from dublin struck by lightning .cop asks why the fek is he smiling?, coroner says he thought he was having his photo taken.
Murphy and Casey are in Iraq...Murphy steps on a landmine..After the massive explosion he shouts at Casey, help me. I,ve lost my leg.....No ya havent ya fukin eejit... Its over there....
Islam, a religion of peace, theres a piece of you over there, and there, and there. Bill Maher. laie:
A Farmer drove to a neighbour's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your Dad or Mom home" ..??, said the Farmer. "Nope, they went to Town." "How about your brother, Howard..??? Is he here"..??? "No, he went with Mom and Dad." The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself. The little boy says to to farmer. "I know where all the Tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message." "Well," said the Farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my f**kin' daughter Suzy pregnant." The young boy thought for a moment... "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the Bull, $50 for the Boar Pig, $20 for the Ram but I don't know how much he Charges for Howard."