My mates have nicknamed me 'Johnny Rotten'. Not because I look like the former Sex Pistol, but because I keep using the same condom
GOTTA LOVE THIS DOCTOR! GOTTA LOVE THIS DOCTOR! Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap. Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up! Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good! Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!? Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach. Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around! Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me.. Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! 'Round' is shape! Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!" AND..... For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies. 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.. 5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Golden Rat A man walked into an old antiques store in San Francisco, and after browsing for a few minutes, saw a small, golden statue of a rat. He took it to the old man at the register and asked how much it cost. The old man told him it was $1,000 for the statue, and another $1,000 for the story that went with it. The man said he didn't want the story, but bought the rat, took it to his car, and started to drive home. After only a few blocks, he noticed that the street in his rear view mirror looked strange - like it was moving. After a few more blocks, he realized the strange movement was thousands upon thousands of rats following his car. He sped up and tried to lose them, but they were pouring in from all the sides streets as well. In a desperate panic, he headed for the Golden Gate bridge, hoping to bottle-neck the flood of rats, but half way across, he was stopped by just as many rats coming from the other side. He jumped out of the car, grabbed the statue, and threw it off the bridge. All the rats coming from both sides followed the statue into the water and drowned. The man went back to the antiques shop. When the old man at the register looked up and saw him, he said, "I knew you'd be back for the story." But the man replied, "I'm not here for the story, I came back to see if you have a golden statue of a lawyer."
The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings. “Hallo, Mr.Macron!” a heavily accented voice said. “This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!” “Well, Paddy,” Macronreplied, “This is indeed important news! How big is your army?” “Right now,” says Paddy, after a moment’s calculation, “there is meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!” Macron paused. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.” “Begoora!” says Paddy. “I’ll have to ring you back.” Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. “Mr.Macron, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!” “And what equipment would that be Paddy?” Macron asks. “Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy’s farm tractor.” Macron sighs amused. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.” “Saints preserve us!” says Paddy. “I’ll have to get back to you.” Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. “Mr.Macron, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!” Macron was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!” “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!” says Paddy, “I will have to ring you back.” Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. “Top o’ the mornin’, Mr.Macron! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.” “Really? I am sorry to hear that,” says Macron. “Why the sudden change of heart?” “Well,” says Paddy, “we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and we decided there is no feckin’ way we can feed 200,000 prisoners…..
Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?" The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." He knocks on wood for good luck. He then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
I answered an advert, 'Wanted, someone to stroke my long golden hair and to enjoy long walks on the beaches or through the woods. I want to have dinners with you and spend all night cuddled up to you. I want to gaze at you as you sleep, I will be there for you to help guide you through your life.' Any way, I'm picking up my golden retriever puppy next week.
Two Italian men sit down on the bus and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." "You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
Two Italians, Emilio and Latzio decide to by a truck to sell watermelons. They get 100 watermelons for $1 dollar a piece. Then they sell them for a dollar each. Emilio turns to Latzio and says: "We no maka any money" Latzio says: "Maybe we gotta' geta bigger truck".
Two whales, a male and female, were swimming side by side in the ocean. Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance. He recognizes it as the whaling ship that killed his father. Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, "That's the ship that killed my father! Let's swim closer!" When they were close enough, the male said, "Why don't we swim under the ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into many pieces? That will be sweet revenge," the female agreed. So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship, and blew enormous amounts of air under the ship. The ship flew into the air and crashed back to the sea and broke into hundreds of pieces. The pair of whales started to swim off when they realized that the sailors were not dead, but clinging to pieces of wood and floating in the ocean. The male whale was furious and said to the female whale, "They're still alive, but I've got another idea. Let's swim around and gulp up all the sailors!" That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and said, "Oh HELL NO!!!... I agreed to the blow job, but I NEVER agreed to swallow any seamen."
"Lord, I have a problem." "What's the problem, Eve?" "I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals as well as that hilarious comedian of a snake, but I'm just not happy." "And why is that, Eve?" "Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "A man? What is that, Lord?" "A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vain. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be as smart as you so he will also need your advice to think properly." "Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's the catch, Lord?" "Well, you can have him on one condition." "And what's that, Lord? " "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring...so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first, and it will have to be our little secret...you know, woman to woman!"
Once my friend asked me if I could write a paragraph without using the letter 'e'. My response was — I doubt I can. It’s a major part of many, many words. Omitting it is as hard as making muffins without flour. It’s as hard as spitting without saliva, napping without a pillow, driving a train without tracks, sailing to Russia without a boat, washing your hands without soap. And, anyway, what would I gain? An award? A cash bonus? Bragging rights? Why should I strain my brain? It’s not worth doing.”``
Not very much is known about Mahatma Ghandi. A frail man, he sometimes went for days without proper food, living off berries and anything else he could find to keep himself alive and, because of this, he suffered from bad breath. Also, not having proper footwear whilst walking over very hard and rough ground, his feet suffered horribly from cuts and bruises. Basically, he was a super-calloused fragile mystic wracked with halitosis...
On a televised University Challenge the two adversaries were posed the following question. What were the Christian names of the following famous people. Nixon, Wilson, and Ghandi. The first team to reply stated they did not know the first two named, but believed the last one was Goosey Goosey.
An Irishman was killed today when a pallet of frozen chips fell on his head. Well that's a first, too many potatoes killing an Irishman.
The poor gardener There was this poor gardener working in a ship-owners villa. One day his employer decided to further reward him for his excellent work, by inviting him to a formal dinner alongside his ship-owner cronies. During the evening in question, all guests were conversing with one another while the gardener sat in the corner, listening. The employer announces to the others, "this year I sent my wife to Hawaii for a couple of months so she could relax, while I stayed behind working" The ship-owner cronies also joins in. "Ah, I sent mine to Monte Carlo for a full month" Said one. "And I sent mine to Copacabana for 20 days” Said the other. At that point, the gardener’s employer decides to tease him a bit, "do tell us George, where did you send your wife on vacation this year?” "Ah," Replies the gardener. "We sir are poor people, so we have to screw our wives ourselves"
I was telling a girl in the pub that just by feeling her breasts i could tell on what day she was born, She said go on then,after about a minute she said come on what day was i born ? I said Yesterday,,,