I know this is a joke page, but I am asking everyone to wish me luck!! I am on my way to speak to the bank manager, and if things work out for me my life will be drastically changed....I'm talking millions here!!! I am so excited I can barely get the stocking over my head!
Three mental patients A psychiatrist approaches three patients. He asks the first patient: ''How much is 1+1?'' ''1,000'' The patient replies. ''Don't concern yourself with this any further, you have not been cured.'' Says the psychiatrist. Then he asks the second patient: ''How much is 1+1?'' ''Blue'' Replies the patient. ''Forget about it, you have made no progress.'' Says the psychiatrist. Then he asks the third patient: ''How much is 1+1?'' ''2'' Replies the patient. ''Well done'' Says the psychiatrist. ''You treatment was highly successful and you are cured but tell me, how did you arrive at this result?'' ''It is easy'' Replies the patient. ''I divided 1,000 into blue!!!''
The Mrs has just come into the living room wearing a little pvc number, fishnets and high heels. She handed me a cold beer and told me to sit down, relax, and when she comes back she'll give me 'what she does best'. I can't wait. I love Shepherd's Pie.
A BOOB , A VAGINA and AN ASSHOLE... are debating on who is the greatest of all..! BOOB - "I give milk to new born babies and I'm attractive to the opposite sex, that's why I am the greatest!" VAGINA - "That's nothing, I give birth to new born and can accommodate the opposite sex, that's why I am the greatest!" .... ... ... ... ... ... Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to speak!!.
At A Mental Hospital : Doctor: - "What is this?" Mad Man: - "This is a book I wrote. Total 500 pages." Doctor- "You wrote 500 pages?!... woooooow, What did you write?" Madman: "On the first page I wrote One King rode on a Horse and went towards the Jungle. And on the last page, I wrote The King reached the Jungle." Doctor:- "So what did you write in the remaining 498 pages?" Mad Man:- "I wrote; Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik ti tigdik tigdik... Tigdiki tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik ti tigdik tigdik... Doctor:- (stunned) "AND what's that????!!!!!" Mad Man:- "That's the sound of the Horse running...The hooves digging the terrain." Doctor- "AND Who will read your story?" Mad Man: "I will put it on Facebook, My mad friends will definitely read it... One of them is reading it as we speak!"
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn’t find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win. Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM! He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY! Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE! “I’ve got to get this guy!” Coach said to himself. “He has the perfect arm!” So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl. The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother. “Mom,” he says into the phone, “I just won the Super Bowl!” “I don’t want to talk to you, the old woman says.”You are no longer my son!” “I don’t think you understand, Mother,” the young man pleads. “I’ve won the greatest sporting event in the world. I’m here among thousands of my adoring fans.” “No! Let me tell you!” his mother retorts. “At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn’t get raped!” The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, “I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!”
An 85-year-old man had to take a sperm count for his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said: Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.” The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. Well, doc, it’s like this-first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.” The doctor was shocked! You asked your neighbor?” The old man replied: Yep, none of us could get the jar open.
One day, little Johnny, bored out of his mind, went to his father for suggestions on what to do to pass the time. "I'll tell you what," said the father, "take this dollar and run into town and get me a dollars worth of what's what." Johnny grabbed the dollar, hopped on his bike and rode into town. Once there, he had to decide what store would have the what's what. He stopped in front of the pharmacy and went in. He went to the pharmacist's desk, held up the dollar and said, "I'd like a dollar's worth of what's what, please." The pharmacist knew immediately that the boy was on a wild goose chase and said, "If you go across the street, to the house with the red light on the front porch, they can get you some what's what." Johnny ran across the street and knocked on the front door. A tall, stunning blonde, completely naked, opened the door. Her pussy was right in little Johnny's face. Pointing to it he said, "what's that?" "What's what?" the whore replied. "Good, I'll take a dollar's worth.”
A woman was enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends. "Oh, no!" she suddenly exclaimed. "Look at the time! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband. He'll be so annoyed if it's not ready on time." When she got home, she discovered all she had in the fridge was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg and a can of cat food. With no time to go to the supermarket, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg and garnished it with the lettuce leaf. She greeted her husband warmly when he came home, and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it. "Darling, this is the best dinner you've made me in 40 years of marriage! You can make this for me any day." Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her golf partners about it and they were all horrified. "You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed. Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the clubhouse, and one of them said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?" The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the window sill while he was licking his arse!"
A woman asks a man - "do you drink beer?" Man: Yeah. Woman: How many beers a day? Man: Usually about 3. Woman: How much do you pay per beer? Man: $5.00, including the tip. Woman: And how long have you been drinking? Man: About 20 years, I suppose. Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct? Man: Correct. Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct? Man: Correct. Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari? Man: Do you drink beer? Woman: No. Man: What color is your Ferrari?
Genie A genie appears and offers a golfer three wishes. “The only catch,” says the genie, “is that whatever you wish for, your wife will receive 10 times over.” “OK,” the guy says. “I want to be the best golfer in the world.” The genie blinks and suddenly the guy can feel a new golf swing — the grip, the takeaway, the power. “You can now crush every golfer in the world,” the genie says, “except your wife, who’s gonna beat you like a drum.” The guy is a little bummed about that, so for his second wish he asks to be the world’s richest man. “It’s done,” says the genie. “But don’t forget that your wife can now buy and sell you 10 times over. One wish left.” “OK,” the guy says. “For my last wish, I’d like to have a mild heart attack.”
How many of you forgave your enemies? During Sunday mass, the priest asked the crowd: -"How many of you forgave your enemies?" Around 80% of them raised their hands. The priest then asked: "And how many of you intend to forgive your enemies?", and almost everyone's hand was now in the air. Everyone except a feeble, old lady in the front row. -"Ms. Rogers, don't you intend on forgiving your enemies?" -"I don't have any!", she replied through a chuckle. -"Ms. Rogers, that's very unusual, how old are you?" -"98", she proclaimed. -"Oh, ms. Rogers, why don't you come up and share the secret with everyone? How does someone live to be 98 and no enemies?" She walked up and gave everyone a polite smile before answering: -"I outlived the bitches."
I bumped into my mate in town and asked: "Why are you looking so happy?" "The wife has had one of those procedures done at the hospital today that puts a smile on most men's faces" he replied. "Ah" I said "Breast enlargement or a fanny tuck?" "Neither" he said "Post mortem!!..
I went for a job interview, "Can you tell me two positive things about yourself?" Asked the interviewer. "Yes, " I replied."I'm an optimist and a positive thinker." "Can you give me an example?" said the interviewer. "Of course, " I answered, "when do I start?"
A farmer is sitting in the neighbourhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?" Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So what happened that's so horrible? Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket. Man: OK, but that's not so bad, So what happened then? Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left. Man: and then? Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket. Man: Again? Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So, what did you do then? Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right. Man: and then? Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail. Man: Hmmm... Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So, what did you do? Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in...
A officer had finished addressing his troops on parade, he told his Sargent to dismiss the men "Right you horrible lot, before you go Smith, your father died, Dismiss" The officer was horrified at what he had heard and called the Sargent to him. "Sargent, you just told Smith his father had died" That's right Sir, dropped dead yesterday" " A death of a parent is a very dramatic event, next time Sargent please break it to them more gently" " Sorry sir, it won't happen again" The death of her dear husband was to much to bare, so soon after Smith's mother died. On the parade ground the same officer had finished addressing his troops, he told the Sargent to dismiss the men. " Right you horrible lot, thoes with a living mother take one step forward, WHERE THE f**k ARE YOU GOING SMITH"