Paddy was on his death bed and knew the end was near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast . He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes. When all is ready he begins to speak: "My son Seamus, I want you to take the houses in Cultra Estate." "My daughter Geraldine , you take the apartments over in Malone Road." "My son Patrick Junior, I want you to take the offices in the City centre." "Bridget, my dear wife, please take all the residential properties on the Upper Lisburn Road ." The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realize the extent of Paddy's wealth. As he slips away, the nurse says to his wife, "Mrs. O'Shaughnessy, my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property".. "Property?”, his wife replies. “The f**ker was a window cleaner."
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked,"Are you okay?" As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for.. "I'm okay, I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said, Get in and I'll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head. "That's nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife will like me doing that! "Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this." We arrived at her place which was just few miles away, and after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said,"I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset, so I'd better go now. "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of breasts I've ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."
As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?" One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray." "Good," said the captain, "you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short."
Psychiatrist vs. Bartender Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him: “I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy. “Just put yourself in my hands for one year" said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.” “How much do you charge?” “Eighty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor. “I'll sleep on it,” I said. Six months later the doctor met me on the street. “Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” he asked. “Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00 I was so happy to have saved all that money, so I went and bought me a new pickup truck “Is that so?” With a bit of an attitude he said, “And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?” “He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now.” It's always better to get a second opinion!
Are YOU the manager… A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does she begins to gently caress his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replied." "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him" she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say. "Tell him," she whispers: "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
On his return home from the pub he told his wife he had overheard their postman bragging he had sex with every women in our Cul-de-sac bar one. I bet it was that stuck up snob at number four she replied.
Frank the farmer Frank the farmer had a nagging wife She made his life miserable. The only real peace he got was when he was out in the field ploughing. One day while in the field, Frank's wife brought him his lunch. Then while he quietly ate she berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Frank's old donkey kicked up his back legs, struck her in the head killing her instantly. At the funeral, the Priest noticed that when the women offered their sympathy, Frank would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side. After the mourners left, the Priest approached Frank and asked, "Why did you nod your head up and down to all the women and shook from side to side to all the men?" Well, Frank replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. And all the men asked, "Is that donkey for sale?”
Whats the difference between Clint Eastwood and anal sex? One will make your day and the other will make your whole week.
Lion Tamer A circus owner ran an ad for a lion tamer and two young people showed up. One was a good-looking lad in his mid-twenties and the other was a gorgeous blonde about the same age. The circus owner told them, "I'm not going to sugarcoat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" The girl said, "I'll go first." She walked past the chair, the whip, and the gun and stepped right into the lion's cage. The lion started to snarl and pant and began to charge her. About half way there, she threw open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stopped dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawled up to her and started licking her ankles. He continued to lick her calves, kissed them and then rested his head at her feet. The circus owner’s mouth was on the floor. He said, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turned to the young man and asked, "Can you top that?" The young man replied, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."
The Terminator "i'll be back." Terminator 6 "oh my back" I'll be back, just after Wheel Of Fortune. Your wheelchair....give it to me. I need your clothes cos i pissed in mine. Who is Sarah Connor?
Reunion My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I Kept staring at a woman swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think that a person could go on Celebrating that long!!!'
Grandpa In Hospital A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in hospital. "How are you grandpa?" he asks. "Feeling fine," says the old man. "What's the food like?" he asked. "Terrific, wonderful menus." says the old man. "And the nursing?" inquired the young man. "Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you." "What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?" "No problem at all - nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock, they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light." The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the nurse in charge. "What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving my 85-year-old grandfather Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?" "Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The hot chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..." As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, Afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse). Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. “He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again." “Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark; the enemy and I'll not be tricked. " Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed."...(Wait for it) . . . ....."I've found Cod - I'm a prawn again Christian".
A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa." The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?"... The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do" The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died. "Holy ****" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side." Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy." He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?" He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life." She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"
One morning Dan told his wife that he was going to play golf. She told him that it was fine, but he needed to fix the leak in the kitchen sink first. Dan pointed to his forehead and said, “Do I have plumber written on my forehead?” He went on to play golf. The next day Dan told his wife he was going to play golf and she told him that it was fine, but first he needed to fix the ceiling fan. Dan pointed to his forehead and said, ” Do I have electrician written on my forehead?” He went on to play golf. When he returned, the leak was fixed and the fan was working. Dan asked his wife who did the repairs and she told him the next-door neighbor came over and fixed both. Dan asked how much he charged and the wife said, “He told me I could sleep with him or bake him a cake.” Dan asked, “Did he like the cake?” His wife responded, “Do I have Betty Crocker written on my forehead?”