A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam. After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, the doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find no problems. I did notice one anomaly, however. " "Oh, what is that, Doctor? " "Well, you have no nipples. " "None of the people in my tribe have nipples, " she replied. "That is amazing, " said the doctor. "I'd like to write this up for The South Carolina Journal of Medicine, if you don't mind. " She said, "OK. " "First of all" asked the doctor, "how many people are in your tribe? " She answered, "approximately 500. " "And what is the name of your tribe?" asked the doctor. Running Doe replied, "We're called, 'The Indiannippleless Five Hundred'"
Birthday Present for Wife A Man was asking his friend for some advice, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped." His friend have an idea, “You should give your wife a certificate that says—she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll undoubtedly be thrilled!" The men and his friend made and printed the certificate. The next day his friend asked: “How’d it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling—I'll see you in about two hours!"
Tax Time A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc., and then asks, "What is your occupation?" The woman replies, "I'm a high-priced whore." The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl." "No, that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm an elite chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a call girl?" "Well, I raised over 700 little Cocks last year."
Advice for Women If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports section. Buy a dog. If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of seeing you. Buy a dog. If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says its not quite as good as his mother made it. Buy a dog. If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want. Buy a dog. If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies. Buy a dog. If you want someone, who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores. Buy a dog. If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually. Buy a dog. But, on the other hand, If you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness... Then…Buy a cat!
A man buttons up his shirt and a button falls off after that he picks up his briefcase and the handle falls off then he opens the front door and the door knob falls off finally he goes to get into his car and the handle falls off why do you look so nervous his friend asks as they sit down with a pint later that day we'll now I'm afraid to pee he replies
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?" "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day and also enjoy the occassional cigar," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise." "That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?" "Twenty-six," he said!!.
Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their sex lives. Karen said, “I call my husband the dentist because nobody can drill like he does.” Joanne giggled and confessed, “I call my husband the miner, because of his incredible shaft.” Kathy quietly sipped her whiskey until Joanne finally asked, “Well, what do you call your boyfriend?” Kathy frowned and said, “The postman.” Looking puzzeled Joanne asked, ”Why the postman?” “Because… he always delivers late and half the time it’s in the wrong box.
A woman got pulled over for speeding by a Highway Patrol officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book she said, “I bet you’re going to sell me tickets to the Highway Patrol Ball.” He replied, “No, Ma’am, highway patrolmen don’t have balls.” There followed a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he had said. Without saying another word, he closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.
A cannibal visited the witch doctor with a serious skin rash. The doctor gave him a small pot of grease to rub on. He returned next week completely cured. " Wonderful stuff what is it" he said "My best friend died . I boiled him in a pot for six days then skimmed the grease off" he replied. " What do you call it?" Said the cannibal. " Pal o' mine lotion" replied the witch doctor.
A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned 5 male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived 60 miles apart, so they decided to drive 30 miles each morning and find a field in which to let the pigs mate. The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon (the only vehicle he had) and drove the 30 miles. While the pigs were in the field mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they'll be pregnant. If they're lying in the mud, they're not." The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week and the farmers were worn out. The next morning, one was too tired to even get out of bed. So he called out to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass." "Neither," yelled his wife, "They're in the station wagon. And one of them is honking the horn."
@ rayleigh_otter; this video you posted is not in the remotest degree funny.. save us the sales patter of paid vpn`s, please it does not belong in this thread, imo.
Driving test exam Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road? A: What for? He cannot see my license plate. Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time? A: The pick-up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do." Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car? A: Always wear a condom. Q: When driving through fog, what should you use? A: Your car. Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident? A: Be too sh*t-faced to find your keys. Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving? A: I would probably lose my buzz a lot faster. Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully? A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully. Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed? A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute. Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light? A: The colour. Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic? A: Heavy psychedelics. Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem? A: Carry loaded weapons. Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer? A: It would hard to be a dickhead all day long.
Yesterday, I gave up my seat on the bus for a blind person... Today, I lost my job as a bus driver... This world is too cruel for the kind hearted...
After my recent Prostate Exam at the General Hospital , which was one of the most thorough examinations I've ever had, the Doctor left and the nurse came in. As she shut the door, she asked me a question I didn't want to hear.... She said...."Who Was That guy?"