I went to a really trendy nightclub last night. The doorman said to me "Sorry mate, I can’t let you in, you've had too many!" I said "What, drinks?" He said "No, birthdays".
In a London Nursing home an old priest lay dying. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near. "Yes, Father?", said the nurse. "I would really like to see Theresa May and Jeremy Corbyn before I die" whispered the priest. "I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the nurse. The nurse sent the request to No 10 and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived; Theresa and Jeremy would be delighted to visit the priest. As they went to the hospital, Theresa commented to Jeremy, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it certainly will help our images". Jeremy agreed that it was the right thing to do at this time. When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Theresa's hand in his right hand and then Jeremy's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face. The old priest slowly said: "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ". "Amen", said Theresa. "Amen", said Jeremy. The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieving bastards; and I would like to do the same !!!.
Dear Wife: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone. Your EX-Husband P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! ___________________________________________________________________ Dear Ex-Husband Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And cooking my favorite meal, you must have me confused with MY SISTER, cuz I stopped eating pork seven years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away cuz the $49.99 tag was still on & I prayed it was a just a coincidence that my sister borrowed fifty dollars that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million $, I quit my job & bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free! P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem!
And the lord said to unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life." But John came fifth, and received a toaster.
Australian Football Grand Final A man with tickets to the AFL GRAND FINAL finds his seat and relaxes. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No", he says. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," says the stranger. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the AFL GRAND FINAL and not use it?" "Well, actually, the seat belongs to my wife. I was supposed to come with her, but she passed away. This is the first GRAND FINAL we haven't been to together since we got married in 1957." The stranger replies, "Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. Couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head, "No. They're all at her funeral."
Being 6 Again A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, and the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, soda, and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six years old again?" With one eye opened she replied. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."
The Bullfight A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bullfight this morning. A delicacy!" The cowboy said, "What the heck bring me an order." The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bullfight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy." The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday." The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins!"
Please be careful about what you buy online. And if you do buy stuff on line please check out the seller very carefully. One of our well-known senior members at the golf club just lost $3,800 plus tax and shipping on a penis enlarger. When he opened the box all he found was large Magnifying Glass and a note! The note that came along with it was titled 'Instructions': "Do NOT use in direct sunlight.”
A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.” The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”
An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches. Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the Africa String-and-Weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis. A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little Tribal experiment coming along?" Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied. Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?" "No, it's turned black."
A philosopher says to a linguist “What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?” The linguist replied, “They’d be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.”
The world went mad yesterday as Meghan Markle managed to close a car door all by herself. A spokesman for the royal household commented, "Although this is a momentous step for a member of the royal family, we still doubt that they will ever be able to wipe their own arseholes. "
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Irishman answered his door to find two grim-faced constables. “We’re sorry, Mr. O’Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen,” said one of the officers. “Tell me! Did you find her?” O’Flynn asked. The constables looked at each other and one said, “We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?” Fearing the worst, Patrick said, “Give me the bad news first.” The constable said, “I’m really sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we found your poor wife’s body in the bay.” “Lord sufferin’ Jesus and Holy Mother of God!” exclaimed O’Flynn. Swallowing hard, he then asked, “What could possibly be the good news The constable continued, “When we pulled the late, departed poor Maureen up, she had 12 of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven’t seen lobsters like that since the 1960’s, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch.” Stunned, O’ Flynn demanded, “Glory be to God, if that’s the good news, then what’s the really great news?” The constable replied, “We’re gonna pull her up again tomorrow.”
Paddy went into work and said to his fellow workers, "My brother dropped dead yesterday, he was only 29, in perfect health, never smoked or drank, worked out every day, he just dropped dead." His workmate said, "Bloody hell, what happened?" Paddy said, "His parachute didn't open...!!!
"What's your new girlfriend called?" i asked my mate. "It's Clare" he replied, "but everyone calls her Barbie.""Wow! Is that because she's got blonde hair and big tits?" he smiled....I said, "no, it's 'cos she smells of burgers."
Little Johnny comes home from school with a blackeye. His father see's it and says "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?" But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me! "Johnny", the father said. You don't do those kind of things to women. Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!" "But Dad" Johnny said. "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"
I have always thought I was telepathic so I went to have my self tested, Anyway this chap greeted me and asked me to follow him to a car park, "Am I not going into a lab?" I asked, "y'know wires and sensors and s**t. " "Oh no, we don't do that any more, " he said, "we have a far more accurate way of testing. Now then I want you to get into the car and follow the first BMW you see. "
Joke #1 Last night I was dreaming of a beautiful walk on a sandy beach. At least that explains the footprints I found in the cat litter box this morning. Joke #2 "I wasn't that drunk yesterday." "Oh boy, you took the shower head in your arms and told it to stop crying." Joke #3 How can you tell you have a really bad case of acne? It’s when the blind try to read your face. Joke #4 Two elephants meet a totally naked guy. After a while one elephant says to the other: “I really don’t get how he can feed himself with that thing!”
I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations? The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too