Jokes Jokes Jokes

Discussion in 'Forum Games' started by pedagogy, Jun 2, 2010.

  1. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

    Aug 5, 2015
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    A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

    The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

    The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
    The young man replied, Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, “The Double Mint Twins are coming” and I grinned.

    Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, “Logan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling”, and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, “William’s Big Stick Did the Trick”, and I could hardly contain myself.

    BUT, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, “Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident”, I just lost it.

    “CASE DISMISSED!!”
     
  2. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    Ageing and Erections

    Two old friends are sitting at the bar drinking when the first one says,

    "Ya know when I was thirty and got an erection, I couldn't bend it, even using both hands. By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees, if I tried really hard. By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about forty-five degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be sixty next week, and now I can bend it in half with just one hand."

    "So," says the friend, "what's your point?"

    "Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get."
     
  3. zen45

    zen45 MDL Addicted

    Feb 25, 2010
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    A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
    Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you?You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
     
  4. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    As I started to unload my seriously full trolley at the till, I noticed a little old lady behind me holding only a pint of milk...

    "Is that all you've got?" I asked."Yes," she smiled."Well," I replied. "You'd better find another till, I'm going to be f**king ages!"
     
  5. RideTheLightning

    RideTheLightning MDL Member

    Sep 20, 2018
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    JOKE #1

    Where does the General keep his armies?

    In his sleevies.

    JOKE #2

    How does a squid go into battle?

    Well-armed.

    JOKE #3

    What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

    I don’t know, but their flag is a huge plus.

    JOKE #4

    Why aren’t koalas actual bears?

    They don’t meet the koalafications.

    JOKE #5

    What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

    One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
     
  6. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start talking and come to realize that they’re both doctors.

    After about an hour, the man says to the woman, “Hey.
    How about if we go back to your place for the night, no strings attached. It’ll just be one night of fun.” The woman doctor agrees to it.

    So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she’s about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and they go at it for an hour or so.

    Afterwards, the man says to the woman, “You’re a surgeon, aren’t you?”

    “Yeah, how did you know?”

    The man says, “I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started.”

    “Oh, that makes sense”, says the woman. ” You’re an anesthesiologist, aren’t you?”

    “Yeah”, says the man , a bit surprised. “How did you know?”

    The woman answers, “Because I didn’t feel a thing.”
     
  7. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    Why can’t dyslexics tell jokes?
    They always punch up the f**kline
     
  8. Michaela Joy

    Michaela Joy MDL Crazy Lady

    Jul 26, 2012
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    "DYSLEXICS OF THE WORLD UNTIE!"

    :D
     
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  9. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    Hunting Flies

    A woman entered her kitchen and found her boyfriend waving a fly swatter. “What in heaven's name are you up to?" she asked.

    "Killing flies," he said.

    "Oh. Get any?"

    "Yep, two males, three females," he answered.

    "Oh come on! How do you tell them apart?"

    "Two were on a beer can, three were on the phone."
     
  10. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.

    A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam.? I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

    "Yes, I know," said the lady.

    "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."

    "But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

    The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
     
  11. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    A heartfelt plea from my friend in America....................
    Will someone please give Trump a blow job, so we can impeach him.
     
  12. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    A little country boy was sitting on the curb with a quart of turpentine and just shaking it all up; just watching all the bubbles.
    A priest came along and asked the little boy what he was doing. The little boy replied "Well, I'm a just shakin' the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."
    The Priest said, "No, son, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water." If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby boy."
    The little boy replied, "Shoot, that ain't nothin'. You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's a$$, he'll pass a motorcycle.."
     
  13. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    Twin sisters in an Irish Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old.
    The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100 year old twins.
    One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well..
    Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.
    The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
    "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.
    "Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.
    Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
    "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE.." So they wiggled up close to each other.
    "Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.
    Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
    "HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS! "
    With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH LARD JESUS! BOTH OF US?..
     
  14. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    I have a stalker named Bill! You know who you are! I absolutely hate YOU! He keeps hanging around my house despite my best efforts to be rid of him. I think he likes me! And when I finally get rid of him, he keeps coming back. I think he loves me! He comes in many forms...telephone bill, cable bill, electric bill & telephone bill, heating bill, and so on... If you drive by my house an see him feel free to shoot his arse on site!
     
  15. Myrrh

    Myrrh MDL Expert

    Nov 26, 2008
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    Because impeachment accomplished so much when they tried it on Slick Willie.
     
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  16. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked. Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in thirty minutes.Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his seeing eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs. Would you take him for me please?"Now picture this. All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a seeing eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses that day. People scattered not only trying to change planes but also trying to change airlines!
     
  17. jadinolf

    jadinolf MDL Member

    Jun 1, 2016
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    LOVE IT!! :D:D
     
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  18. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    Me : I want to divorce my wife.
    Lawyer : On what grounds?
    Me : She's out all night, every night, going from bar to bar.
    Lawyer : Are you saying she's an alcoholic or do you think she's cheating?
    Me : No, she's looking for me.
     
  19. RideTheLightning

    RideTheLightning MDL Member

    Sep 20, 2018
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    These jokes is well suited and well fitted now in a time when Microsoft have messed up badly with the 1809 release and all.

    JOKE #1

    Q: Why are PCs like air conditioners?
    A: They stop working properly if you open Windows!

    JOKE #2

    Q: What do you call Windows Multitasking?
    A: Screwing up several things at once!

    JOKE #3

    Q: What do houses and Microsoft Windows have in common?
    A: Bugs come in through open Windows

    JOKE #4

    Q. How many Microsoft vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
    A. Eight. One to work the bulb, and seven to make sure that Microsoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.

    JOKE #5

    Q: What does WINDOWS stand for?
    A: "Work is never done on Windows systems"
     
  20. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

    Aug 5, 2015
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    Old blokes

    An old man is walking in Amsterdam and passes a hooker standing at her door

    She asks him: "Granddad, why don't we give it a try?”

    He says: "no girl, that is no longer possible for me.”

    Says the hooker: "Come on, what have we got to lose, we can give it a try!?”

    They both go inside. They undress and then he acts like a young man and is giving it to her 5 times in a row.

    "Oh my goodness", says the hooker, breathless "and you said that it was no longer possible for you?!”

    Says the old man: “Oh, screwing is still going well, it's the paying for it that is no longer possible..”