Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, 'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?' She glanced at him casually and replied: 'You're never home!'
A Suspicious Dad A little girl picks up the phone. “Hello?” “Hi, honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?” Daddy asks. “No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.” After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But, honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.” “Oh, yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.” Dad takes a second to process this, then speaks. “Uh, OK, then this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.” A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. “I did it, Daddy!” “And what happened, honey?” he asked. “Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!” “Oh my God! What about your Uncle Paul?” “He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.” A long, silent pause. Then Daddy says, “Swimming pool? … Is this 486-5731?”
Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up? "No" said her husband. She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar Bill. He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly. She then asked "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?" "No I haven't" he said with an anxious tone in his voice. She gave him another sexy little smile pulled up her skirt, seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill. He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation. "Now" she said "Have you ever seen 50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?" "No way" he said, becoming even more aroused and excited to which she replied: "Go look in the garage."
"I was sitting on a bus behind a mother and her young son. Her boy kept looking around and pulling funny faces at me.After a few minutes, I got tired of his antics, so I said, "When I was young, my mother told me that if I made a ugly face and the wind changed, I'd stay that way." The little s**t replied,"Well, you can't say you weren't warned."
Joke #1 Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?” Because every play has a cast. Joke #2 Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. “Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type.” Joke #3 Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”
Alien couple came down to earth and went to a swingers party. They swap partners and go to respective bedrooms. the alien man takes his clothes off revealing a one inch penis. The woman says, "I'm not impressed"... The alien then twists his right ear and his penis grows to ten inches. "Now i'm impressed" says the woman... The alien then twists his left ear and his penis becomes two inches thick and he gives the woman the best seeing too she has ever had. She meets up with her husband later and asks how was it for you...? Her hubby said, "s**te all she did was keep twisting my frigging ears
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.” Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.” The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.” Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him. Johnny said, “My aunt Cindy has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!” The teacher sat down and cried.
After a severe earthquake in Dublin, Ireland. Rescuers were searching the rubble of a collapsed city centre hotel, when they heard a faint Irish voice shout "Help....! Fecking help me...!!!" The rescuers shouted "Where are you..? " Paddy shouts "I'm in room 236" ..
Headache A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water. His wife asks, "What's that for?" "It's for your headache." "I don't have a headache." "Gotcha!"
I bumped into an old mate yesterday. He said, "I haven't seen you for 14 years . What happened?" I said, "I've been locked up." He said, "What did you do, commit murder?" I said, "No, I got married."
Making Amends Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." "In bed this early, doing what?" "Getting a second opinion!"
Squirrels In Church The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer & consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there, & they should not interfere with God's divine will. At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week. The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide. But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrel's & made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter. Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.
The wife's off on holiday to Tenerife with her mates and has taken a load of condoms with her... Stupid cow, she hasn't even got a penis!
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt waited for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she realized her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to reach the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to again take the step, only to discover that she couldn’t. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her embarrassment, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. As this was happening, a large guy who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. The woman went ballistic, turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!" The guy smiled and drawled, "Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind’a figured we were friends."
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand , and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser". To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap. Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells... "Holy Mary, Mother of God, HAND LOTION TOO!"
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.) The burglar stopped in his tracks and raised his hands slowly. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you." "Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an ax and two 38's!"
Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his mum and dad in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mummy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is where me and the milkman usually get thrown off!"
The wife's just been checking to see if she has everything ready for her first solo parachute jump tomorrow. I said, "do you have an extra pair of panties with you?" "What, in case I s**t myself?" She replied. "No." I said, "In case your main chute doesn't open.