My girlfriend found out that I'm married. "I can't believe this!" she screamed, "We've been together for five years and you didn't think to tell me?" "I knew it would upset you, So I just didn't say anything." "How long have you been married for then?" she asked. "Six months"
By previously legalizing same-sex marriage and now Marijuana, Canada has finally interpreted the bible correctly: Leviticus 20:13 "If a man lies with another man he should be stoned.
A boss interviewed 4 girls for a Secretary position. He asked the same question to each one of them. And the question was: A woman has lips in two different places on her body, what is the difference between the two lips? 1st Girl: One is hairy, the other isn't. Boss: Ok, Good! ... 2nd Girl: One can talk but the other can't. Boss: That's better 3rd Girl: One is vertical and other is horizontal. Boss: Hmmmm...Very clever 4th Girl: One is for me to use and the other is for my boss. Boss: You are hired!
A man sees a sign outside a house. 'Talking Dog For Sale'... He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden... The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there... "Do you really talk"...? He asks the dog. "Yes," the Labrador replies... After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story"... The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. "I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years... But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired"... The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog... "Ten quid," the owner says... "£10...? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply"...? "Because he's a lying bastard. He's never been out of the garden"...oldie but a goldie,,
After several years of marriage, Debbie's husband, Mike, died suddenly. According to his wishes, Debbie had his body cremated and placed the remains in a small urn. Several weeks later, Debbie came home wearing a full-length mink coat and an eight-carat diamond ring. She went into the living room, removed the urn from the mantel and carefully tapped Mike's ashes into a small dish on the coffee table. "Mike, my beloved Mike," she began, "I wish to talk to you. Mike, do you remember, for several years you promised me a mink coat? Well, here it is, Mike. Do you like it? "And, Mike," she continued, "do you remember, for several years you promised me a diamond ring? Yes? You remember? Here it is, Mike. Do you like it? "Well," Debbie exclaimed, puffing Mike's ashes into the air, "there's that blow job I was promising you."
British Humor I was invited to a British party last night and was told to dress to kill. Apparently, a turban, beard and a backpack wasn’t what they had in mind. 2. After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, John woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That’s when he realized he had made it home safely. 3. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Para-Olympics after they tested positive for WD40. 4. A teenage boy asks his granny: “Have you seen my pills? They were labelled LSD?” Granny replies: ” The hell with the pills, did you see the dragons in the kitchen?” 5. Wife gets naked and asks hubby: “What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?” Hubby looks her up and down and replies: “Your sense of humor!” (Hospital visiting hours are 5:00 to 6:00.) 6. A chap’s wife’s is back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all he did was suggest they should hold auditions for her part. (His viewing will be Saturday from 7:00 till 8:30.) 7. I’ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster. 8. I woke up this morning at 9:00 and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonalds serves breakfast until 10:30. 9. My missus packed my wand as I walked out the front door. She screamed: “I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!” I replied: “Oh, so now you want me to stay!” 10. Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. When we went to the fair last night it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel. 11. The other night, my wife asked me how many women I’d slept with. I told her: “Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!” (The doctor says I should be able to see again in about ten days. The broken arm will take about a month.)
A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife. "Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's infidelity." "Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified. "So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife." "One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were in the midst of some pretty heavy love-making when the old lady in the apartment next door, started pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'"
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drug store and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a town house, a beach front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You f*** her again."
One evening, after the honeymoon, Tom was working on his motorcycle in the garage. His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally said, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married, maybe it's time you quit spending so much of your time out here in your garage. You probably should also consider selling your Harley and all your welding equipment along with your gun collection, your fishing gear, the boat and all those stupid model airplanes, plus dump that vintage hot rod sports car and your home brewing equipment." Tom got a horrified look on his face. She said, "Darling, what's wrong?" He replied, "For a minute there, you were starting to sound like my ex-wife!" "Ex-wife!?" she screamed, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!" Tom replied, "I wasn't."
This 80 year old woman thought she had the crabs, so she goes to the doctor. "Doctor I think I have the crabs." "When was the last time you had sex?" The doctor asks. "I have never had sex. I'm still a virgin." she replied. The doctor thought this was very strange so he told her to get on the table and he would examine her. After the examination he said, "I have some good news and bad news for you. The good news is you don't have the crabs. The bad news is you've got fruit flies." "Fruit flies?" asks granny. "Yeah," says the doctor. "Your cherry rotted."
here's a short one : a couple having dinner and suddenly the guy said to his wife : "Honey, you won't see me for about 5 minutes" The wife replied : "Okay, buying cigarettes ? then the guy replied : "No, i'm going to take you from behind"
A man pinches his wife's arse and says "do you know if you firm this up you could get rid of ur Girdle". Rather annoyed she decides to bite her tongue and say nothing. Later that night in bed the husband squeezed her tits and said "do you know if you firmed these up you could get rid of ur Bra'. Absolutely fuming the wife reached over the bed, grabbed his dick and said "do you know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the milkman and your bloody brother".
Two girls were comparing boyfriends over some drinks. "Mine's the best," said the first. "I call him Seven-Up because he's 7 inches long and he's always up!" "Oh yeah," exclaimed the other. "I call my boyfriend Jack Daniel's because he's the best hard licker there is!"
Women are finally being allowed to join the SAS. About time as well, there's no way those brave lads should be cooking their own meals .
Got into bed last night and softly whispered "you look stunning in this light" to my wife. She slapped me in the face and said "The light isn't on you Bastard"
A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant "Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients". "Yes, sir!" answers Murphy. The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So,Murphy, how was your day?" Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol..." "Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor. "The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy. "Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor. "Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'" "Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor. "I put drops in her eyes."
I walked into the bakery and said to the cashier, "I've just bought a sandwich from you, I took one bite and 2 teeth fell out." "Maybe you bit down too hard?" she replied. …...."They're not my f**king teeth!!