I Just paid for my wife and her mother to go to Paris for 2 weeks. That's how much I hate the bloody French.
Whilst in America me and my son went shopping in Walmart,I asked the cashier if they had any Kinder eggs... Oh no sir,we don't sell them in the States,they're a health hazard.. Okay i replied,I'll just take these two assault rifles then!
I got really plastered last night so before I went into work today, I brushed my teeth and ate loads of mints so nobody could smell alcohol on my breath. Despite this, my boss told me to get off the premises until I sobered up. "How did you know I was still pissed?" I asked her...She replied "You've still got a traffic cone on your head"
Cheeky little buggers round here A young lad just knocked on my door and said, "Trick or Treat?" I said, it's not even Halloween "and what have you come as?" He said, "A werewolf." I said, "but you haven't got a costume on, you're just in normal clothes." He said, "Well it's not a full moon yet is it ya dickhead."
Happily Ever After Shlomo and Ruth were celebrating their wedding anniversary. Their long lasting and happy marriage was the talk of the Edgware community. So, it was no surprise when a Jewish Chronicle reporter came to see Shlomo to ask him the secret of their successful marriage. "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained Shlomo. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon on mules. We hadn't gone very far when Ruth’s mule stumbled. She looked at the mule and quietly said 'That's once.' "We had only proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more Ruth looked him in the eyes and quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone more than a half-mile more when the mule stumbled a third time. This time, Ruth promptly removed a revolver from her rucksack and shot the mule dead. "I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when Ruth looked at me and quietly said, 'That's once.....'."
A young lad knocked on my door last night for Halloween and said, "Trick or Treat?" I said, "What have you come as?" He said, "A werewolf." I said, "But you haven't got a costume on you're just in normal clothes." He said, "Well it's not a full moon yet is it, dickhead!"
An economist went to a lingerie shop... An economist went to a lingerie shop to buy a bra for his wife. While he proudly announced to the salesgirl that he is an economist, he also confessed that only thing he knows about bra is 'how to unhook', and he really needed some expert help in making the purchase. The smart salesgirl asked, "Sir, you want a capitalistic, socialistic or democratic bra?" Of course, the economist was intrigued and he asked, "What are they?" Salesgirl: "Sir, capitalistic suppresses the masses, socialistic uplifts the downtrodden and democratic makes mountains out of molehills."...
A little boy goes up to his dad and says "Dad, where does poo come from?"Dad explains that food enters the mouth and passes down the oesophagus to the stomach.There, digestive enzymes induce a probiotic reaction in the alimentary canal to extract protein before waste products descend via the colon and rectum to emerge as "poo"."Fuk me!", says the little boy "Where does Tigger come from then?"
My doctor just told me, "I’m afraid you're going to die soon!" I think he's found out I’m sleeping with his wife!
75th Wedding Anniversary An elderly couple is sharing an intimate dinner in honour of their 75th wedding anniversary. The man says softly, "Dear, there is something I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our sixth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now, let me assure you these 75 years have been the most wonderful I could have hoped for, and your answer will not take all that away. But, please tell me, did he have a different father?" His wife lowers her eyes, pauses for a moment, and then confesses, "Yes. Yes, he did." The old man tightens, very shaken, the reality hitting him hard. "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?" he asks. Again, the woman lowers her head, trying to muster the courage to finally tell her husband the truth. She says, "You."
A ship passes by an island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly “Captain” one passenger asks, “who is that man over there?” “I have no idea” the captain says, “but he goes nuts every year when we pass him”
*STRICTLY FOR MEN ONLY* *When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. By Lee Majors *After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. _~By Al Gore_ *By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. _~By Socrates_ *Woman inspires us to great things and prevents us from achieving them. _~By Mike Tyson_ *The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want? _~By George Clooney_ *I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.* _~By Bill Clinton_ *"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays." _~By George W. Bush_ *"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." _~By Rudy Giuliani_ *"I've had bad luck with all my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.” The third gave me more children! _~By Donald Trump_ *Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming *1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,* *2. Whenever you're right, shut up.* _~By Shaquille O’Neal_ *The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. _~By Kobe Bryant_ *You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. _~By David Hasselhoff_ *My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. _~By Alec Baldwin_ *A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. _~By Barack Obama_ *Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. _~By Tommy Lee_ *A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." _~By Brad Pitt_ *First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"* *Second Guy : "You're lucky, mine's still alive." _~ By Jimmy Kimmel_ *“First there is the promise ring, then the engagement ring, then the wedding ring...soon after....comes SuffeRing! _~By Jay Leno_ *"The reason why wives live longer is because they don't have a Wife! _~By Brandon Breezy_ *Forward this to all the guys to give them a good laugh .......and to the ladies with good sense of humour who can handle it!!
A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!" She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation anyway."
A Rabbi, Hindu and The Lawyer Three friends, a Rabbi, a Hindu holy man and a lawyer, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer. The farmer said, "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn." "No problem," chimed the Rabbi, "my people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening in their memory." With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night. Moments later a knock was heard at the farmer's door. The farmer opened the door and there stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer. He replied, "I am grateful to you, good sir, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal." His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurred. There was a knock on the farmer's door. "What's wrong, now?" the farmer asked. The Hindu holy man replied, "I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country, cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground." Well, that left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmer's door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the door and there stood the pig and the cow.
When I was a kid, my dad sat me down and showed me a load of pictures about why I should always wear a condom. strangely,,,they were all pictures of me.
Husband needs Rx Pharmacist to customer: "Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription. Simply showing your marriage license and wife's picture is not enough!"
Four religious men of the cloth go on a fishing trip Four religious men of the cloth go on a fishing trip That night in the fish house they decide to confess their greatest sin to each other. The Catholic priest says, "my greatest sin is lust. I look at porn constantly online and when I can I have crazy sex with parishioners." The Rabbi says "my sin is greed. I never give to charities and sometimes steal from the Temple." The Islamic imam says, "my sin is gluttony. At least once a week I go to the liquor store for a six-pack and then head to McDonalds in the middle of the night and get a big bag of Big Macs, Bacon cheese burgers and fries and eat and drink it all while sitting in the parking lot." The Baptist minister says, "My greatest sin is gossip and I can't wait to get back to town!"