The doctor and the Ferrari GTO… It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?” The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!” “That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?” “Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly. The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?” “No problem,” replies the doctor. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right, but I’ll stick with my moped!” Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror – what it could be…and suddenly… WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster! “What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped! Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph. WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH! He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do! Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and , unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?” The old man whispers, “Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.”
Wee Stump inn Two executives were deep in a Highland forest, on an adventure weekend arranged by their firm. Neither had any real map-reading skills and they became separated from the other members of their team. All they knew was that the final rendezvous point was a remote pub called, 'The Wee Stump Inn.' They trudged through the woods for hours, hopelessly lost until they came to what looked like a fork in the forestry trail. They couldn't agree on which path to take. Eventually, they decided to take one path each. They shook hands and resolved that the last man back to the pub would pay for the drinks. Four hours later, the man that chose the correct fork was sitting at the pub fireside, enjoying his pint, when his friend staggered in. He was cut, bleeding, battered and bruised as if he had been mugged by a rugby team. Once the men in the pub got the man settled, he explained, "I must have gone around in circles for hours, until I heard the sound of an idling car engine. I headed toward the sound and found a car in a clearing at the end of what looked like a 'lovers lane'. The car was all steamed up and I couldn't see who was inside, but I could hear more than one voice. So, I thought that I could ask for directions and I knocked on the driver's window. Now, the man in the car must have been a complete psychopath, because as soon as I asked him, 'How far is the Wee Stump Inn?' he jumped out of the car and beat the s**t out of me!"
A bloke sees his ex-wife with her new lover and decides to wind him up so he shouts over "How"s the second-hand pussy? "Quick as a flash, her lover replies "Great! After the first three inches, its like brand new.
I went to a fortune teller last week. She studied my hand and said "You have been masturbating". I said "Hey you are good''. "Can you tell me anything about my future?". She looked at my face and said, "You'll be doing it for a bloody long time
If I live to be a hundred I'll never understand women. The wife isn't speaking to me because I agreed with her. We were watching tv...This woman was on there in a bikini stunning looking etc etc, She said, "I wished I looked like that." I said, "Yeah me too"...
Latex Gloves A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves... "Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?" She said, "No?" "Well," he bluffed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walk up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands’’ ‘’Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again." And she didn't laugh a bit!!! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing. The old woman blushed and screamed: "I just suddenly thought about how they must make Latex Condoms.’’
The computers and Wi-Fi went down at work on Friday so everything had to be done manually... Took me three f**king hours to show the office what I was having for lunch!
What organ can expand to 10 times it's size... The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?" No one answered so the teacher picked on a random student Little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
The driver from a Hit and Run was arrested Detective : okay buddy, walk me through the whole thing, from the top Driver : it was snowing, the ground was slippery, I was, I was.. Detective : those are just excuses buddy.. Tell me, was this on purpose? Driver : NO! I swear, I just lost control of the car and I was gonna hit either that one guy to the left of the road or plow into that open picnic party full of kids that was on the other side of the road. What would you have done sir? Detective : well I would have gone for the one guy Driver : Exactly what I thought as well. But then the guy ran into the picnic party and I had to go after him.
A guy is approached by a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I've got a special for you. I'll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy pulls his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three one hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint...my...house."
Now That's Stressful... You pick up a hitchhiker, a beautiful girl. Suddenly she faints inside your car and you take her to a hospital. Now that’s stressful. But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant and congratulate you as a father to be. You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are. This is getting very stressful. So then…… you request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father. After the tests are completed, the doctor says that you are infertile, and probably have been since birth. You are extremely stressed but relieved. On your way back home, you ponder about your 3 kids at home.
The boy picked up the neighbor, and the angry mother went to take satisfaction: Why did you hit my son? He was rude, and called me fat. And you think you're going to lose weight by beating him?
Once there were twin brothers by the name of Jones. John Jones was married, and Joe Jones was single. The single brother Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated row boat. It happened that John Jone's wife died the same day that Joe's rowboat filled with water and sank. A few days later, a kindly old lady met Joe and mistaken him for John said; "Oh Mr. Jones, I am sorry to hear of your great loss, you must feel terrible". Joe smiled and said, "Well I am not a bit sorry, she was rather old from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up and she smelled of dead fish. Even the first time I got into her, she made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a bad crack and a pretty big hole in her front, and that hole got bigger every time I used her. It got so I could barely handle her, but if anyone else used her she leaked like anything. The thing that finished her was four guys from the other side of town. They came down looking for a good time and asked if I could lend her to them. I warned them she wasn't so hot, but they could take a crack at her if they liked. Well, the result was the crazy fools tried to get inside her all at once and it was too much for her. She cracked right up the middle". Before he could finish the old lady fainted!
The Affair A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. 'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.' She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. 'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.' 'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room. 'Oh, it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.' No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. 'Here, have this' he gives the sandwich and beer to the statue. Then he said to the statue: 'I stood like that for two days at the Smiths house and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
His son-in-law came to his mother-in-law and spoke; Son-in-law: our sister-in-law, I wish you were a star! Mother-in-law: Is that it? Because? - Answer all happy. Son-in-law: Because the nearest star is millions and millions of kms from the earth ...
The girl comes to her mother, complaining about her boyfriend's skepticism. - Mom, Mario says he does not believe in hell! "Marry him and leave the rest to me!"
How can they call it Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say 'Hi my name is Mick and I'm an alcoholic'
A great lover of glasses (full, of course) goes to the doctor, accompanied by his wife. "And, doctor, I feel nauseous, aches in the body, dry mouth, and so on ..." "You smoke?" "About fifty cigarettes a day ..." "That's the problem," the doctor interrupted. Stop smoking immediately and get back to health iron. Can go. Outside his office, his wife asks: "You never smoked a single cigar. Why the lie? "If I said I did not smoke, he would ask me if I drank ... and good-bye wines, beers ..."