This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters. Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers;they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go. Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity. At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper. The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk. Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.
There was a drunk on the bus, talking on his own, loudly, "If my dad was a duck and my mother was a duck, I'd be a duckling ..." "If my father was a dog and my mother a bitch, I'd be a puppy "If my father was a cat and my mother a cat, I would be a kitten ..." "If my father were a ..." "Listen, my chap," the driver interrupted in a loud cry, and walking towards you. "And if your father was a fag and your mother a f**k?" - I would be a driver!
The wedding ceremony came to the point where the minister asked if anyone had any objections to the union of the bride and groom. The moment of utter silence was broken when a beautiful young woman carrying a child stood up. She starts walking slowly up the aisle. The congregation was aghast - you could almost hear a pin drop. The groom stared in disbelief at the approaching young woman and child. Chaos ensued. The bride threw the bouquet into the air and burst out crying. The groom's mother fainted. The best men started giving each other looks and wondering how to save the situation. The minister asked the woman, "Can you tell us, why you came forward? What do you have to say?" There was absolute silence in the church. The woman replied, "We can't hear you in the back."
In the interval of a lecture on computer science they are in the bathroom Mr. Linus, Bill Gates and Steve Jobs. After a quick walk through the urinal, Mr. Linus washes his hands carefully, turns to Bill Gates, and says, "We, of Linux, are perfectionists. Bill Gates also meticulously washes his hands, being careful to rub well between his fingers and under the nail. He takes a defiant look at Mr. Linus and exclaims, "We at Microsoft are perfectionists and detail makers! At that moment, Steve Jobs, who was turning his back on the ridiculous scene, heads out of the bathroom. In unison, Linus and Gates ask him, "Steve, are not you going to wash your hands?" And Steve Jobs replied dryly, "We, Apple, do not piss!"
It's not difficult.... To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be: 1. a friend 2. a companion 3. a lover 4. a brother 5. a father 6. a master 7. a chef 8. an electrician 9. a carpenter 10. a plumber 11. a mechanic 12. a decorator 13. a stylist 14. a sexologist 15. a gynaecologist 16. a psychologist 17. a pest exterminator 18. a psychiatrist 19. a healer 20. a good listener 21. an organiser 22. a good father 23. very clean 24. sympathetic 25. athletic 26. warm 27. attentive 28. gallant 29. intelligent 30. funny 31. creative 32. tender 33. strong 34. understanding 35. tolerant 36. prudent 37. ambitious 38. capable 39. courageous 40. determined 41. true 42. dependable 43. passionate WITHOUT FORGETTING TO: 44. Give her compliments regularly. 45. Love shopping. 46. Be honest. 47. Be very rich. 48. Not stress her out. 49. Not look at other girls. AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO: 50. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself. 51. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself. 52. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes. 53. IT IS VERY IMPORTANT to never forget: * birthdays * anniversaries * arrangements she makes ========================================= HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY 1. Feed him. 2. f**k him. 3. Shut Up.
Caipira confessed with the priest, and the priest, after hearing all the sins, said to the hired man, "My son, you now repent of sins and make a sign. You know how to do the signal, do not you know, my son? "Your father, you know the word I know.
The shocking Panorama programe about old age pensioners in care homes being beaten and abused had me in tears. Especially after I speeded it up and added the Benny Hill theme
Reflections and phrases on INTERNET and computers... Keep your CPU virgin: Don't take himen. sys Goofy uses keyboards. Mickey, Mouse! I'd like to create homepages, but I don't know what they eat. The first phone bill after the modem we never forget. Where did we come from? Where are we going? Does it have Internet there? 2400k Modems, please move to the right lane. Buy a modem: Win Friends and lose your wife. Do not confuse sanitary napkin with modems, the slot is different. Access time is like toilet paper: always ends when you need it most.
Women's Lib International Conference The first speaker, a lady from Germany stood and said,"During last year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Herman, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb." (The crowd cheered). The second speaker, a lady from Russia, stood up and said, "After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well. (The crowd again cheered). The third speaker, a Geordie lass , stood up and said, "Afta last year's conference, I went herm and telt that lazy ba*tard of mine, Geordie, that I was nae longa pickin up his beer cans, cookin his bait and washin his kecks and that he was gonna haf to de them hisell. (The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes). She continued....................................... "Afta the first day, I nevah saw nowt. Afta the second day I nevah saw nowt, but afta the thord day, I could see a little bit out of me left
Job Opening A manager at a grocery store had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes, he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four women in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, “What is the fastest thing you can think of?” The first woman replied, “A thought! It just pops into your head. There’s no warning.” “That’s very good!” replied the interviewer. “And, now you, what’s the fastest thing you can think of?” he asked the second woman. “Hmmm, let’s see… A blink! It comes and goes and you don’t know that it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of.” “Excellent!” said the interviewer. “The blink of an eye, that’s a very popular cliché for speed.” He then turned to the third woman, who was contemplating her reply. “Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of.” The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found the person for the job. “True, it’s hard to beat the speed of light,” he said. The interviewer then turned to the fourth candidate, who was a 19 year old blonde, and posed the same question. She replied, “After hearing the previous three answers, it’s obvious to me that the fastest thing is diarrhea.” “WHAT!?” said the interviewer, stunned by the response. “Oh sure,” said the blonde, “you see, the other day I wasn’t feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I had already crapped my pants.”
A farmer has three sons. One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car. His father says, "Son, come with me." He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "That tractor is needed here on the farm and I promise that as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car." The boy was not too happy but he did understand that situation and said, "Okay, Dad."A week later, his second son (10 years old) approaches him wanting a new two-wheel bicycle. Well, he gets the same excuse. "as soon as that tractor is paid for."Shortly, a few days later, son no. 3, his youngest, comes bugging him for a tricycle. Again, 'ole Dad gives him the lecture about the tractor being paid for first.While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little disgusted with the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of the hens and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster off the hens back,mumbling to himself the whole time. His dad says, "Son, why on earth would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to you to deserve that!" The little boy looks Dad right square in the eye and says,"Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that damn tractor is paid for.
After a severe earthquake in Dublin, Ireland. Rescuers were searching the rubble of a collapsed city centre hotel, when they heard a faint Irish voice shout "Help! Fecking help me!" The rescuers shouted "Where are you?" Paddy shouts "I'm in room 236."
A motorcyclist was going to 140 km / h by a road and, suddenly, he came across a bird and could not dodge: PÁ !!! In the rearview mirror, the guy still saw the little buggering the tarmac until it was extended. Not containing the ecological remorse, he stopped the bike and came back to rescue the animal. The bird was there, unconscious, almost dead. Such was the distress of the motorcyclist that he picked up the small bird, took it to the vet, was treated and medicated, bought a wagon and took it home, taking care to leave a little bread and water for the accident. The next day, the bird regains consciousness. When he wakes up, seeing himself trapped, surrounded by bars, with the piece of bread and the bowl of water in the corner, the animal puts its wings on his head and shouts: - PU * TO WHAT I STOPPED IT, I KILLED THE MOTORCYCLE !!!
A drunk enters a bar reeling a lot, comes to the owner of the bar and challenges him; Do you want to bet fifty reais that I piss in the glass without dropping a drop on the floor? The bar owner laughs and accepts the bet. The drunk pisses, more out of the glass than inside and the owner of the bar stops laughing exclaims: you see that you can not, pass me the fifty to here! The happy drunk of life paid with satisfaction. The owner of the bar is intrigued by his attitude and asks: you lost fifty reals and still happy? The drunkard responds: I bet a hundred and fifty reais with my comrades on the other side of the street that I would piss your bar all over and you would still laugh !!!!
Two drunks were on top of one building and one spoke to the other: - Ce doubts I jump from here, make an eight in the air and land? hic .. - I doubt it! hic .. and go and stay! Then the drunk 1 jumped, made an eight in the air and landed, and the drunk 2 said: - If he can .. hic .. I can too !! hic .. -and he jumped: -Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh ........ -was up, and a doorman from a building said: -Then the superman when he's drunk only makes mer!
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another. Finally on the fourth day, the parrot couldn't hold back any longer and said, "OK, I give up. Where's the fukking ship?"
The guard orders the guy to stop the car. "Your papers, please." You were 130km / h and the maximum speed on this road is 100. - No, your guard, I was 100, for sure. His mother-in-law corrects: "Ah, Chico, that's it! You were at 130 or more! The guy looks at his mother-in-law, his face seething. "And your flashlight is not working ..." "My flashlight?" I did not know that. He must have broken down on the road ... His mother-in-law insists, "Ah, Chico, what a lie! You've been talking for weeks that you need to fix the flashlight! The guy is pissed and signals his mother-in-law to be quiet. "And you're without a seat belt." "But I was with him. I just took it to get the documents! "Ah, Chico, stop that!" You never wear your belt! The guy does not hold back and shouts to his mother-in-law: "SHUT THE MOUTH!" The guard bends and asks the lady, "Does he always yell at you like that?" She replies, "No, your guard. Only when he drinks.
A guy went to the police station and said, "I came to complain, because my mother-in-law disappeared. The deputy said, "How long has she been gone?" "Two weeks," said the son-in-law. "And it's only now that you tell me?" "I just could not believe I was so lucky!"
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
Every Friday at 8pm a guy came in a bar and ordered 3 beers at the same time. He took one, the other, the third, paid the bill, got up and left. One fine Friday the waiter, already intrigued by it, asked the man, 'Excuse my curiosity, but why do you drink 3 beers every Friday at the same time?' And the man said, 'Because I have two brothers, and each of us lives far away. So, every Friday at 8:00 p.m., each of us goes into a bar and asks for 3 beers. We take one for each of us. And our way of keeping in touch and thinking about each other ... 'On another Friday, the man enters the bar and the waiter asks:' 3 beers, as always? ' And the man says, 'No. Only 2. ' The waiter froze. One of his brothers died, he thinks. It's a little awkward, he brings 2 beers and asks the man: 'Excuse me, my friend, but ... it's always 3 beers ... something happened to your brother, some ...' And the drunk: 'No , they're all well ... I just stopped drinking! '