Little Boy And The Doorbell A man is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the man moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder, leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the man smiles at the boy then ask, "And now what, my little man?" The boy replies, "Now we run!"
A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little boy next door. The little boy is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. He is wearing a fireman’s hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says “Hey little boy. What are you doing?” The little boy says “I’m pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!” The fireman walks over to take a closer look. “Little boy that sure is a nice fire truck!” the fireman says. “Thanks mister”, says the little boy. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little boy has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles. “Little boy”, says the fireman, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog’s neck I think you could go faster.” The little boy says, “You’re probably right mister, but then I wouldn’t have a siren!”
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?" "Yes, I do." said Bob "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?" "She just died and left me everything."
One afternoon, a successful lawyer was being driven into his limousine for his siege when he observed two ragged men with a comendogram on the side of the road. He immediately ordered the driver to stop, got out of the vehicle and asked, "Why are you eating grass?" "Because we do not have the money to buy food," answered one of the men. "Well, you can come with me to the place," said the lawyer. "Sir, I have a wife and three children here. "Bring them, too," said the lawyer. - What about my friend ?! The lawyer turned to the other man and said, "You can come with us too." "But, sir, I also have a wife and six children," said the second man. "They can go with us, too," the lawyer said as he headed back to the limo. Everyone settled down as best they could in the limo, and as they were on their way, one of the attendants said, "You're very kind." Thank you for taking us all with you. The lawyer replied: - You're welcome! You will love my site. The grass is almost a foot high !!!!!
I pulled up next to a Porche at the traffic lights and saw his window was down, "Nice car mate, " I said. "Must've set you back a fair bit." "£119,500." He replied with a smug grin on his face. "Wow, just think," I said. "Another 500 and you could have got some fukking indicators fitted as well."
At the hospital this morning I stared at my wife through the glass in disbelief.She kept drifting in then out, in then out, in then out.People were screaming and shouting and running frantically all over the place. Then a doctor screamed "she's crashing"!But thankfully, she noticed a bigger parking space in the next lane and pulled in there. No wonder I'm in here for a fuking nervous breakdown.
The Film Boxes champion among the computer: And all the Virus took ... Fasten the Belts, the System Fell. Desire to Format 4. Rosemary's PC. Delete Never, Never Format. Jonathan's First Connection. Hard to Delete. Honey, I've formatted Winchester ... C. Unbearable Lightness to enter, pray to leave. If my Windows worked ... The Hand that Rocks the Mouse ... Life is Screen ...
A guy is leaving his apartment with a MALA and crosses with the neighbor, who asks:> Where are you going with this MALA Alberto? Alberto: I got tired of my mother-in-law, for you to have an idea, only today she cursed me as a tramp, of useless, of lazy, of insensitive and of failure ... I tired !! WHAT!! What an old bag! Neighbor: I go crazy with these things! The will to kill, cut into small pieces and play in the river. Alberto: What do you think I'm taking in MALA ??
At another hearing, the judge asks the defendant: 'Did not you bring your lawyer?' "No, your honor! I do not have a lawyer. I decided to speak the truth! '
The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner. The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach. Locking his steely grey eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance. He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guided her through this tender, new territory, boldly taking her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need. Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long. And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big! - it will never fit!" Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again and again and again... Don't you just love shopping for shoes?
My mother-in-law fell from the sky! "Is she 'way' anyway? The broom broke when it flew over my house.
The change was all put in the truck. One of those open-bodied, crammed with furniture and all over the cage with the parrot. The change must have been badly tidy and the streets were very bumpy. With the swing, the cage fell with the parrot. Everyone went down, they came to the parrot and put the cage on it. Presently the poor fellow falls again. And again. And another, a thousand tumbles. Then the parrot, already irritated, at the last fall turned to the owner and said: - Do the following: give me the address that I will walk on...
I've never understood why Women like Cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, come home and expect to be fed and stroked, then left alone to sleep. In other words, every quality that they hate in a Man, they love in a Cat.
A man goes to his doctor. A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past six months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is. The following day, the wife goes to the doctor's office. The doctor asks her what's wrong, why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband? "Oh, that's easily explained. For the past six months," the wife says, "I've been taking a cab to work every morning. I don't have any money. The cab driver asks me, 'Are you going to pay today, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'." "Then, when I get to work," she continues, "I'm late, so the boss asks me, 'Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'. I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, 'So, are you going to pay this time, or what?' Again, I take an 'or what’. So you see, doc, by the time I get home I'm all tired out and don't want it anymore." "Yes, I see," replies the doctor. "So, are we going to tell your husband, or what...?"
When leaving the bar, all drunk, can get home at a great cost. He opens the door and runs to the bathroom. Frightened, he runs to the bedroom and wakes up the woman: - Ooh, this house is haunted! I opened the bathroom door and the light went on by itself. Then I closed the door and the light went out on my own .... The woman, through life, shouts: "Son of a bitch!" You peed in the fridge again !!!!
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well." OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
Couple making love in the back seat of a car, when there was a knock on the car window. The man lowered the window and a policeman appeared and said "You are committing a public order offence". "But I am prepared to forget this if I can be next". The fellow agreed, and a few minutes later got out of the car shaking like a leaf in a gale. The policeman asked him "What was wrong", replying he said "I have never made love to a policeman before".
The blonde could not pass the test for any job. He decided to take an extreme attitude to make money: - I will kidnap a child! - thought! With the money of the ransom I solve my life ... She went to a playground, in a neighborhood of luxury, saw a well-dressed boy, pulled him behind the bush and was soon writing the ticket: 'Dear mother This is a kidnapping. I'm with your son. Please leave the ransom of $ 10,000.00, tomorrow, at noon, behind the tree of the playground. Then she took the note, folded it, and put it in the pocket of the boy's jacket, saying, "Now go and give that note to your mother." The next day, the blonde goes to the place combined. Find a bag. She opens, finds $ 10,000.00 in cash and a note along, saying: 'There is the ransom you have given. I just do not feel like a blonde could do this with another
In the hospice, the madman was playing with patience, when another came in and said, "Hey, are you stealing?" - Yes, but it does not spread. "And you never find out?" - No, I'm very smart.
Did you know the longest nerve in the human body conects the eyeball to the anus..its called the 'Anal Optic Nerve' & its responsible for giving people a s**tty outlook on life. if you dont believe me, pull a hair from your arse and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye!