A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children... "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."
This may be a repost, can't remember A young punker gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multicolored hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of colorful leather rags. His legs are bare and he is without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry, and his earrings are big, bright feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just stares at him for the next 10 miles. Finally, the punker gets a little miffed and barks at the old man: "What is with you? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?" Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "I remember back when I was young and in the Navy I got really drunk one night in Singapore. Couldn't control myself. Had sex with a parrot. I was just sitting here wondering if you were my son."
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me? "There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune ..... Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULLOVER!" "NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
The biology teacher at the all-girl academy was handing back a test on male anatomy on which the girls did poorly. "I don't understand why you girls can't understand the male sex organ. You've had it pounded into you all semester." ----------- Kid: dad, I got a role in the school play, I play a man whos been married for twenty years. Father: Thats great son. One day youll get a speaking part.
One of the teachers had a kindergartener come up to her and say that he had found a frog. The teacher asked if the frog was alive or dead. The student said it was dead. The teacher asked how he knew. The boy said, "I pissed in its ear." The teacher said, "You what?" He said, "You know, I went to his ear and said, 'PSST!' and it didn't move. So it must be dead.
A woman set off one morning on a round of golf, but it wasn't long into her round that she got attacked and stung by a bee. It was very painful, and she was a bit shocked, so she decided to abandon the game and head back to the club house. When she got there, the club pro approached her and asked, 'You're back early, something the matter?' She replied, ' I've just been stung by a bee, and it really hurts. I don't want to play any more'. 'Where did you get stung?' the pro enquired. 'Between the first and the second hole,' she answered. The pro shook his head in a knowing way and said, ' Well that will be because you spread your legs far too wide'....
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.” Passenger: “Who?” Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Frank Feldman every single time.” Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.” Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.” Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.” Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.” Passenger: “Wow. Some guy then.” Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.” Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?” Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Frank. He died. I’m married to his fu**ing’ widow.”
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology when he turned to his wife and said, “Honey, I bet you can’t tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.” She said, “You have the biggest p*nis of all your friends.”
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday & the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?" Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat & I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine & I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass & figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion & steal McGlynn's hat." The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?" Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all." With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile & said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?" Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
One winter morning during breakfast a husband and wife in northern Minnesota were listening to the radio. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today". "You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today". "You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again. The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today". You must park........" Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?" With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone’s got to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?' They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. 'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.' Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.' 'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife. 'Right, I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.
ALL PUNS INTENDED.... 1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. 2. A set of jumper cables walk into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.' 3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. 4. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you?'
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had GREAT seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked Her how she liked the experience. 'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and All the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were KILLING each other over 25 cents.' Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?' 'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of The game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the Quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!
A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her “Stammerers Action Group”. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success. No-one was improving. Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me, without stuttering, the name of the town where you were born I will have wild and passionate s*x with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first?" The Englishman piped up. "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham." "That's no use, Trevor," said the speech therapist. "Who's next?" The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley". “That's no better. There'll be no s*x for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.” “How about you, Paddy?” The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out "London." “Brilliant, Paddy!” said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise. After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy s*x, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said "-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".
The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage. He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on." The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers." He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!" The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!" He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!" "And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"