What happens when you text I saw a young lady texting and driving yesterday. Her disregard for the other drivers really pissed me off, so I opened my window and threw my beer at her.
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation - "I now pronounce you man and wife."
The woman is in the bed dying, giving the last sighs, and the husband is beside him talking to him and caressing hands affectionately: - My love, when you leave, I will be so alone! -Aaaaii .... No, I do not want this for you! Oh, look for a good woman and marry again! -But how? I will not find someone like you, my love! -Aaaii ... oh, what a pain! You will, and you can even give her my golf clubs so she can play with you! "No, my love, I can not because your cleats are for the right-hand person, and she's left-handed!"
A girl and her boyfriend go to a Bar. When it was her turn to ask for a round, she tells her boyfriend that she had heard of an excellent drink and that he should try. The girl asks her for a beer, boyfriend asks for a glass of Baileys and another with lemon juice. Then he says to his boyfriend, "Drink the Baileys and put them in your mouth, then drink the lemon juice and try to keep the mixture in your mouth for as long as possible. The boy does what his girlfriend says. First the BAILEYs, causing a pleasant sensation of warmth, sweetness, creamy texture and a good impression. Then take the lemon juice: After 3 seconds: the boyfriend's face is the color of lemon juice. The taste is simply awful! After 6 seconds: the boy hesitates between vomiting or swallowing the drink. Decide to swallow. Why, he asks what the name of this drink is. She says in his ear: "It's called 'blowjob revenge!'
Every Friday at 8pm a guy came in a bar and ordered 3 beers at the same time. He took one, the other, the third, paid the bill, got up and left. One fine Friday the waiter, already intrigued by it, asked the man, 'Excuse my curiosity, but why do you drink 3 beers every Friday at the same time?' And the man said, 'Because I have two brothers, and each of us lives far away. So, every Friday at 8:00 p.m., each of us goes into a bar and asks for 3 beers. We take one for each of us. And our way of keeping in touch and thinking about each other ... 'On another Friday, the man enters the bar and the waiter asks:' 3 beers, as always? ' And the man says, 'No. Only 2. ' The waiter froze. One of his brothers died, he thinks. It's a little awkward, he brings 2 beers and asks the man: 'Excuse me, my friend, but ... it's always 3 beers ... something happened to your brother, some ...' And the drunk: 'No , they're all well ... I just stopped drinking! '
Murphy is walking home from the pub in Belfast when suddenly a flying saucer lands in the middle of the road. He watches in amazement as a trap door hisses open and a humanoid figure in a silver spacesuit begins to walk down a ramp. "Are… are… you… from… space?" stammers Murphy. "Yes," comes the reply. "I'm Martian." Murphy raises a finger at the alien and says: "Not down this fukin' street, you're not!"
Once upon a time, a Mexican ox was in love with a cow that lived on the other side of the fence. One day, tired of waiting for the cow's love, the ox jumped the fence and decided to introduce himself. - Hi, beautiful kitty, what's your name? Then the cow replied mournfully, "My name is Florisbela, but you can call me beautiful only because the flowers are on the field floor. And your name, how is it? Then the ox sadly answered, "My name is Sacobelo, but you can call me Belo, because my bag was there on the fence ..."
The change was all put in the truck. One of those open-bodied, crammed with furniture and all over the cage with the parrot. The change must have been badly tidy and the streets were very bumpy. With the swing, the cage fell with the parrot. Everyone went down, they came to the parrot and put the cage on it. Presently the poor fellow falls again. And again. And another, a thousand tumbles. Then the parrot, already irritated, at the last fall turned to the owner and said: - Do the following: give me the address that I will walk on.
Wife says to husband Wife : Come help in the garden. Husband:Who do u think I am? a gardener? Wife : Come fix the toilet . Husband :Who do u think I am? a plumber? Wife :Come fix the door handle. Husband :Who do u think I am? a carpenter? The husband went out....but when he came back,he saw that everything is fixed...the garden...toilet ..& the door handle. He asked his wife who had done it? The wife said its the neighbour's son,but he gave me 2 options... Either to make him a hamburger or to sleep with him... Husband: I'm sure,you gave him a hamburger!! Wife:What do u think I am?? Mc Donalds?
Benefits of breast milk Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard put to think of seven advantages He wrote: 1) It is perfect formula for the child. 2) It provides immunity against several diseases. 3) It is always the right temperature. 4) It is inexpensive. 5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa. 6) It is always available as needed And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote: 7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it. He got an A+.
A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this." After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in. A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said: "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan..."
When I met my wife her breasts were small and in perfect proportion to her body. Now, after twenty five years of marriage her breasts are massive,...and still in perfect proportion to her body.
After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years. But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it ! Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 32, looking for some action!" I've sent her my ironing. That'll keep her busy! The wife's been hinting she wants something black and lacy for her birthday. So I've got her a pair of football boots! Growing up with a dyslexic father had its advantages. Whenever he caught me swearing, he used to wash my mouth out with soup! My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked the dinner, so I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm! Anyone got an owner's manual for a wife? Mine's giving off a terrible whining noise! My wife apologised for the first time ever today. She said she's sorry she ever married me! Does anyone know how long you cook these "boil in the bag fish" that you win at the fun fair? My wife said I needed to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car, burnt the dinner and ignored her all day for no reason! Scientists have discovered a certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent. It's called wedding cake! Things turned really ugly at my house last night. The wife removed her makeup! My wife shouted at me this morning for not opening the car door for her. I would have, but I was too busy swimming to the surface!
The sky was dark the moon was high all alone just her and I Her hair so soft her eyes so blue I knew just what she wanted to do Her skin so soft her legs so fine I ran my fingers down her spine I didn't know how but I tried my best to place my hand on her breast I remember my fear my fast beating heart but slowly she spread her legs apart And when she did I felt no shame as all at once the white stuff came At last it was finished it's all over now, my first time ever ...milking a cow
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?" a lawyer married a woman that had married 10 times before "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed."
This woman gets knocked over by a car. The driver gets out and runs over to the woman and says "Are you alright love". The woman says "Everything is blurred, I must be going blind". The driver leans over the woman in order to check her eyesight and says "How many fingers have I got up". The woman screams " MY GOD! I MUST BE PARALYZED FROM THE WAIST DOWN".
Fishing A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of red roses. "Tsk Tsk!" said the passer-by to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help." So, the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?" "Fishin', sir." "Fishin', eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?" The old man stood, put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of vodka and a fine cigar. His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch today?" The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You are the sixth today, sir!"