There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big fella comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big fella says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "Fuk me," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big fella knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big fella and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big fella off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from B&Q.
English humour, what can I say! Besides not their fault they are different! Born in isolation on a tiny Island will do it! Camila, Duchess of Cornwall wore a pair of new shoes for her wedding. That night, when the celebration was over and they retired to their room, She flopped on the bed and said, "Charles darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me." Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales tried the right shoe but the shoe would not budge. "Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder". Charles yelled back: "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!" "Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried. Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, "There! Oh God, that feels so good!" In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See! I told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!" Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh God, darling! This one's even tighter!" At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy! He served in the Navy. Once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral.
A Blondes Year in Review January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight. February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels Helllloooo!!! bottles won't fit in typewriter!!! March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!" April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!! May - Tried to make coffee.....wrong instructions.... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!! June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope. July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!! August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because soft-top was open. September - The capital of London is "L".....isn't it??? October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel. November - Baked Chicken for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!! Oh and what will December bring? Oh my what a year so far!!
A weeping woman burst into her hypnotherapist’s office and declared, “Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!” The hypnotherapist shook his head. “Not again …”
Sister Bernadette lived in a convent a few hundred yards from Wayne's liquor store. One day she went in and asked Wayne for a bottle of brandy. He said, "I'm sorry, Sister Bernadette, I can't sell brandy to a nun." "But it's for the Mother Superior," she explained. "It helps with her constipation." Hearing this, Wayne relented and sold her the brandy. On his way home that night, he saw Sister Bernadette staggering drunkenly along the road. "Sister Bernadette!" he exclaimed. "Shame on you! You told me the brandy was for the Mother Superior constipation." "And so it is," said Sister Bernadette. "When she sees the state I'm in, she's going to s**t herself!"
Guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex. "I think my p*n*s is too small" he says. The doctor asks him which drink he prefers. "Well, Lager" he replies quite bemused. "Aaaahhh. There's your problem, It shrinks things those Lagers. You should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow." Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face. He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him. "I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doc. "No", replies the man "but I've got the wife on Lager!
The blonde and the Jaguar XKR Carolyn, a rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won't move at all... After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a technician to her. The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it. So he turns to the blonde and asks, "Ma'am, are you sure you are using the right gears?" Full of anger, the blonde replies, "How on earth you could ask such a question!? I'm not stupid you know! Of course I am using the right gears; I use D during the day and N at night."
I've got bad news and worse news" The doctor says to me, "I've got bad news and worse news" Me: What's the bad news? Doctor: You've got 24 hours to live. Me: Then what's the worse news!? Doctor: I forgot to call you yesterday
The US Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of President Trump, but the new stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President who demanded a full investigation. After weeks of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings: ü The stamp is in perfect order. ü There is nothing wrong with the adhesive. ü People are spitting on the wrong side.
The pope goes to America and gets picked up at the airport by a Cadillac Limo with the windows blacked out. After a while, the driver hears a rapping on the glass partition and winds it down. 'You know, since I was a little boy I've always dreamed of driving a Caddy,' says the pope. Not wanting to refuse a request by God's representative on Earth, the driver pulls over and they swap places. The pope has a wonderful time screaming down the freeway at 100mph, but it's not long before blue lights pull the car over. The policeman has words, then returns to his vehicle and gets on the radio. 'Dispatch - you better get me the chief' he whispers. 'Roger that.' A pause. 'Chief here. What's up?' 'I've just pulled somebody over and I think they're quite important and I don't know what to do,' whispers the policeman. 'You haven't pulled over the mayor again have you?' 'No, I think they're more important than the mayor.' 'The governor?' 'No, I think they're more important than the governor.' 'Oh my god! You haven't pulled over the president have you?' 'No, I think they're more important than the president.' 'WHAT? How can anyone possibly be more important than the president of the United States?' 'I dunno, but he's got the Pope as his fukin chauffeur...'
I walked into my 12 year old son's room and caught him browsing porn sites. "What the hell are you doing you stupid boy!" I shouted, "Use Google Chrome not Internet Explorer!"
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad." With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter. Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I have been finding real passion with Emma and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight leather clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion... Dad, she's pregnant. Emma said that we will be very happy. She owns a caravan in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children and claiming benefits for them all. Emma has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and heroin. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Emma can get better. She deserves it, as she gives a great blow-job Don't worry Dad. I'm 14 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren and great grandchildren, even tough they are Ragheads. Love Your Son Johnny PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my school report, which is on the side. I love you.......call me when it's safe to come home!!..
An Elderly Couple An old man placed an order for one burger, French fries, and a drink. After taking the tray to a table near the back of the room, he unwrapped the plain burger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of burger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously, they were thinking, "That poor old couple...all they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine, they were used to sharing everything. People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything." Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?" She answered, "My turn with the false teeth!"
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then little Johhny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."
Blind Dates Most Batchelors have been the victims of a blind date. Numerous well meaning friends and relatives are always willing to "fix up" unsuspecting fellas with girls whom they describe as "perfect for you." However, from the description given, it is difficult to imagine what these girls may be like. After considerable research, as a public service, I have attempted to translate some of these descriptive phrases into plain English: Nice little house keeper: She has been married three times and kept all the houses. Fine character: She's ugly. Knows how to handle money: She's a spendthrift [and great at spending yours]. Spotless reputation: She's ugly. Strong family ties: She's a Mafia Princess. Loves children: She's pregnant and needs a husband. Wonderful personality: She's fat. Great sense of humor: She's fat and will laugh at anything you say. The outdoor type: She hunts, fishes, chews gum, and shaves just like the guys. Ready to settle down: She's thirty-five, in a state of panic, and dying to marry. Likes to have a good time: She gets drunk a lot. Lots of fun at parties: Often makes an ass of herself. Mature woman: She's at least thirty but looks at least forty-five. Has the appearance of a young school girl: She's at least thirty-three but dresses like a teenager. Casual: She dresses like a slob. Decorated her own place: Her flat resembles a pig sty. A great dancer: She'll wear the soles right off your shoes. Not overly emotional: She cries only twenty-seven times a day. Doesn't chase men: She's more of a mousetrap or a black widow spider type. Seldom dates: She's a lesbian who needs a male escort for something. Understands men: She's been married and divorced four times. A good sport: She knows two hundred jokes and can drink you under the table. Looks and dresses like a model: She's five eleven and weighs ten stone. Been in show business: She's a former porn movie star. Travelled a lot: She's searched high and low for a husband. Knows a lot of interesting people: None of whom would marry her. Wonderful disposition: She's ugly.
Dementia Test ! (only 4 questions this year) Yep, it's that time of year again for us to take our annual senior citizen test. Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it’s important to keep mentally alert. If you don’t use it, you will lose it !!! Here is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to your last test. Some may think it is too easy, but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty. Take this test to determine if you’re losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don’t see the answers until you’ve answered. OK, RELAX, clear your mind and begin. #1. What do you put in a toaster ? Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast', just give up now and go do something else. And, try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question #2. # 2. Say 'silk' ten times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink ? Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is already over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading more appropriate literature such as Women's Weekly or Auto World. However, if you did say 'water', proceed to Question #3. # 3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from? Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks', why are you still reading this ???PLEASE, go lie down ! But, if you said 'glass,' go on to Question #4. # 4. Please do not use a calculator for this for it would be cheating: You are driving a bus from Ahmedabad to Surat. In Maninagar , 17 people got on the bus. In Kaira, 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on. In Nadiad,2 people get off and 4 get on. In Anand , 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Vadodara, 3 people get off and 5 people get on. And, in Bharuch , 6 people get off and 3 get on. You then arrive at Surat Station. Without going back to review, how old is the bus driver? Answer: Oh, for crying out loud ! Don't you remember your own age?!?! It was YOU driving the bus! If you pass this along to your friends, pray they do better than you. PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions! Sorry for all the spaces. You'd be tempted to cheat otherwise. If you had fun with this, send it on; I did.
A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face. The best man says, ''Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up - you look so excited.'' The groom replies, ''I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me.'' The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honour notices this and says, ''Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up, you look so excited.'' The bride replies ''I have just given the last blow job of my entire life.''