A man was so paranoid about the size of his 'Willy' that he could never work up the courage to have Sex. Then one day he fell in love with a Nurse. One fine evening, they went back to her place. She put on some soft music and led him into the bedroom. Totally mortified, he told her of his problem. “Don't worry," She said. "I'm a Nurse. I won't laugh.” Blushing the man drops his trousers. "It's OK," she said. "I've seen lots smaller than that One".. "Really??" the relieved man asked. She nodded. "Yes, I used to work in the Maternity Ward," she chuckled.
Where you From An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats at a symphony concert. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The old man didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager." Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Bob," the old man moaned. "Where you from, Bob?", asked the police officer. With a terrible strain in his voice, and without moving, Bob replied; "The balcony."
My mates Mrs said she was going out for a pint of milk over a week ago and has not come back !! I asked him how he was coping and he said not bad he was using the powdered stuff
A trucker stops at a red light and a blonde catches up to him. She knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker just ignores her, the light changes, and he proceeds down the street. At the next light, the blonde again catches up and says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load." He ignores her again and continues down the street. At the next red light the blonde catches up, all out of breath, knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker looks at her and finally, he says, "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's snowing, and I'm driving a salt truck."
Started a new job as a delivery man today. When i got to my first address there was a little sticky note left on the door saying "Dear Mr Delivery Man, we are out, please hide in garage". That was eight hours ago and still nobody has found me.
A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150. His parents look at the truck and ask, "Where did you get that truck?!" "I bought it today," he says. "With what money?" says his mother. They knew what a new F150 cost. "Well," he says, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars." The father looks at him like he's crazy. "Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" he says. "It was the lady up the street," says the boy. "I don't know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy her F150 for fifteen dollars." "Oh my Goodness!" says the mother. "Maybe she's mentally ill or has Alzheimer's something. John, you better go see what's going on." So the boy's father walks up the street to the house where the lady lives and finds her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduces himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Ford F150 truck for fifteen dollars and asks to know why she did it. "Well," she says, "two days ago my husband left on a business trip. Yesterday I got a phone call from his boss and found out that he really ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back." "Oh, my goodness, I'm so sorry," the father says. "But what does that have to do with my son and your truck?" "Well, this morning he called and told me he was stranded because he got robbed of his wallet with all his credit cards and cash. He told me to sell his new F150 and send him the money. So I did."
I know this is a joke site, but I am asking people on every possible forum to wish me luck!! I am on my way to speak to the bank manager, and if things work out for me my life will be drastically changed....I'm talking millions here!!! I am so excited I can barely get the stocking over my head!!
The teacher says, "Okay, class, we're going to play a game today. I want everyone to give me a sentence with the word 'perhaps' in it." Claude says, "Perhaps if we are good, the teacher won't give us any homework." The teacher says, "Very good, Claude." Mary says, "The sky is very dark... perhaps it's going to rain." The teacher says, "Very good, Mary." She calls on little Johnny in the back. "Johnny?" Johnny says, "Yesterday, when I got home from school, my sister and her music teacher both had their pants down to their ankles. Perhaps they were gonna s**t on the piano."
Following his near-fatal car crash, Prince Philip is reportedly being lined up as the new face of Viagra. He has become a role model for 97-year-olds who can still smash a woman’s back doors in!!..
Our neighbour's dog s**t in our garden so my mum told to me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence. I don't see what that solved, now we've got dog s**t in our garden and the neighbours have our shovel.
50 years of marriage... After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said to her, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl." "Now... We have an $800,000 home, a $65,000 car, a nice big bed and a large-screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of the bargain." My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a 10-inch black and white TV. Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems!
There once was an Indian whose given name was “Onestone”, so named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone! After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, “If anyone calls me onestone again I will kill them!” The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, “Good morning, Onestone…” He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird’s cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, “Good to see you, Onestone.” Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night but, Yellow Bird wouldn’t die! moral of this story? ”…You can’t kill two birds with one stone.
An old man was just fitted with hearing aids and hearing better than he had in a decade. He came back into the clinic a week after being fit, and the audiologist asked him, “How are your hearing aids working?” old man: “Good, I’ve changed my will three times already!”