A farmer who's been involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim. "I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered?" Stated the counsel for the insurance company. "Yes, that's right," replied the farmer, nodding his head. "You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police statement that says that when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied, 'I've never felt better in my life.' Is that the case?" "Yeah, but" stammered the farmer. "A simple yes or no will suffice," counsel interrupted quickly. "Yes," Replied the farmer. Then it was the turn of the farmer's counsel to ask him questions. "Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident when you made your statement of health," his lawyer said. "Certainly," replied the farmer. "After the accident my horse was thrashing around with a broken leg and my poor old dog was howling in pain. This cop comes along, takes one look at my horse and shoots him dead. "Then he goes over to my dog, looks at him and shoots him dead too. Then he come straight over to me and asked me how I was feeling. "Now, mate, what the hell would you have said to him?"
Life in the Australian Army Dear Mum & Dad, I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all yagotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing! At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!! This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload! Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster. Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet,but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer. I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is. Your loving daughter, Sheila
Bloke fishing in a boat on the Mississippi gets abducted by aliens. They remove 25 % of his brain and beam him back down into the boat. He starts singing Old Man River. They beam him back up again and remove more of his brain the beam him back down again. He still sings Old Man River. Finally they beam him up and remove the rest of his brain. He is returned to his boat and immediately starts singing “You'll never walk alone”
I am truly perplexed that so many people are against another mosque being built. I think it should be the goal of every Englishman to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs. Thus the mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance. That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy ", and the other a topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot." Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called "Iraq o' Ribs." Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret ", with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods. Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop, "Koranal Knowledge ", its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side an off-licence called "Morehammered." All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us, so their mosque issue would not be a problem for others."
A man walks into a drug store A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton-balls and a ball of string on the counter. The sales girl says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?" He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's so much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she."
DOG PET PEEVES ABOUT HUMANS 1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping. 2. Blaming your farts on me...not funny...not funny at all. 3. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!! 4. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?) 5. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly who's walk is this anyway? 6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it. 7. Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet? 8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet...idiot. 9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous. 10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur? Imbecile. 11. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your s**t up when you're not home. 12. When you pick up the crap piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me? 13. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out everytime we go back. 14. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit. 15. Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us? To my knowledge, dogdom hasn't yet solved the visible fence problem!!
An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman were passing a farmyard. A sow had her arse jammed up against the gate of her pen. "Oh" said the Englishman, "If only that was Megan Markle" "No" said the Scot, "if only it was Miley Cyrus" "If only it was dark" said the Irishman.